beautiful contradictions
by drowning goldfish
Summary: COMPLETED - Looking for an in-character, realistic, original, canon, post-OotP LilyJames fic from 6-7th year with attention to character development and interaction? With no mary sues, set in 1970's Britain, with correct spelling and grammar? Well this is it!
1. He's not good for you

"Are you seeing Gideon Prewitt?" he asked. She looked up from her essay into the furious eyes of James Potter.

"_Really _Potter, I don't think it's any of your business, but if you must know, then yes, I've agreed to go to Hogsmeade with him next weekend." She had no idea that he would be so upset, not that he had any right to be.

"I don't think you should see him," he said, and she looked at him incredulously.

She scoffed. "That's terribly _fascinating_, I'm sure, but as you or your thoughts have no influence over my life, I really don't see why I would listen to you."

Believing that to be the end of the conversation, she looked back down at her parchment.

"He's not…" She looked back up at him, as he seemed to struggle for the words. In the six years she had known him, she had never seen James Potter unable to spew forth a grandiloquent phrase completely at the drop of a hat. "…_good_ for you."

She raised an eyebrow, and her voice was like ice. "Simply because he isn't you, doesn't mean he isn't good for me," she bit out.

He glared. "I'm serious," he said.

"Oh I don't doubt that you are, but you must admit there is a bit of a conflict of interest when _you_ give me relationship advice," she said scathingly.

"Listen, I know you think I'm doing this because I just don't want to see you with somebody else, but I'm not," he said hotly. Her face clearly said she didn't believe him.

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"He's not good for you," he repeated.

"You've already explained that," she said frustrated.

"He doesn't make you laugh and he doesn't tell you how beautiful you are and he doesn't make you angry!" he said, his hard voice getting louder and louder with each word.

"He _does_ make me laugh, and he doesn't _have_ to tell me I'm beautiful and I was rather sure that not making me angry _was_ a good thing!" she said, her voice climbing in volume to meet his.

The voices from the other people in the common room began to drop as theirs rose. Those in the lower years who had not been as exposed to their spats looked on in fear, while those in the upper years pulled out bags of popcorn and began taking bets. Sirius leaned over to Remus and Peter.

"I'll give you two to one odds that Evans is the one who storms out," he whispered.

"I'll take it," Remus said, after a second of debating.

"And I'll give you three to one odds she breaks up with Prewitt at the end of the date secretly," he whispered. Remus shook his head.

"I'll give you six to one odds that she dates Prewitt to the end of the year and breaks up with him on the train ride home, just to spite James," Remus whispered back.

Sirius took a moment to consider. There was a little more than a month and a half left before the end of the year, and only one Hogsmeade weekend left. "I'll take it," Sirius whispered.

"Me too," said Peter.

Sirius grinned. "Bet you anything you want James puts his foot in his mouth in the next five seconds."

Peter opened his mouth, but Remus laughed over him. "No idiot would take that bet," Remus said. Peter quickly shut his mouth.

"Potter! I can't believe you! You have no right to tell me who or who I cannot date!" She stood up, letting her essay drop.

"I'm just concerned, all right?"

"No! It's not all right! Any concern you have for me is completely self-serving. I didn't ask for your advice or your opinion, and you just come along like a few words from you is going to be some kind of decree that I have to obey! Well I'm not one of your little fan club and I don't find it remotely amusing that you think you can just command people to do what you want!"

"What is that suppose to mean?" he said, taken completely off-guard.

"Are you not listening, or are you really that stupid? Simply because you think you can lord over everyone, doesn't mean that—"

"I _don't_ think I lord over everyone! Unlike you, I have friends that enjoy my company and don't hang around me simply because I'm domineering!" Both Lily and James were struck speechless for a moment.

The boys winced. "Told you," Remus whispered.

"You insufferable prat!" Heads that had been fixedly flying between the pair suddenly shifted to a third voice. "It's because you make idiotic comments like _that,_ that show you obviously know nothing about Lily, that makes her repulsed by you!"

James looked away from Lily's friend Marlene McKinnon and back to Lily. "I'm sorry, that was out of line. I shouldn't have said that."

"You shouldn't have said anything. This whole conversation was inappropriate," she said, her voice low, her tone hard.

"I'm just _concerned_," he said, his voice just as low and just as hard.

"You needn't be," she said. They continued glaring at each other for a moment, before James let out a frustrated growl, turned on his heel, and left the room, the portrait hole slamming shut behind him. Sirius handed Remus his money.

Lily let out a frustrated groan herself, before flopping back down into her seat and picking up her paper. Her friends walked over, slinging themselves around her in seats and the normal common room noise returned. "You know, the thing that bothers me the most isn't that he always has to say something completely out of line, but that he always has to make a big _scene_."

"Exactly," Marlene agreed, tossing Lily a chocolate frog out of her bag to help calm her down. She passed the others ones as well.

"You know he doesn't mean for it to get like that, it's just that he _cares_ about you. He always has. I'm sure it's just as frustrating for him," Alice reasoned.

"I don't understand why he supposedly likes me if he thinks I'm so overbearing and domineering. Honestly, I could understand if he said I was stubborn or that I have strong opinions, but domineering? You all don't think I'm domineering, do you?"

"Of course we don't," Marlene said immediately.

"Well, you are a little head-strong, but you're a Gryffindor, not to mention our fearless leader," Dorcas said reasonably, causing Lily to smile. "You like things your way, but that doesn't mean you're inflexible. We're your friends because we like you, just as you are."

"Right," Marlene said, as though deciding that was the end of the conversation. She looked over at Lily, about to ask her a question on the essay she was writing, when she saw the look on her face. "What is it?"

Lily looked up, and her face was pensive. "It's only…I know that he was only saying that because he thinks he fancies me, but do you think he may have been right? About Gideon not being good for me? I mean, I don't really know him all that well, do I?"

"But what you do know about him you like," Marlene said.

Lily nodded. "He's very bright. I know that I can always have an intelligent conversation with him, and that he'll always have a perspective I never thought of before. He's very engaging and witty, and he is rather attractive…"

"But?" Alice prompted. Lily wasn't sure what she was trying to say, precisely because it was the same thing James was trying to say, but couldn't. They just didn't have…a spark. Sparks weren't everything, she told herself sternly. They were often times the cause of fires and not fireworks.

He was a great guy and she liked him. That was why she had said yes. She winced. And because she knew that if James tried to intimidate him, he probably wouldn't back down out of fear. She shook the thoughts from her head.

"I guess I won't know if he's good for me until I try, will I?" she said, causing Marlene and Dorcas to grin. Alice still looked perturbed. "Anyway, have you all started the Charms essay yet?"

Alice let the subject drop, telling herself she'd talk to Lily about it in private later.

Next weekend came with slight apprehension for Lily. She and James had not spoken since their last argument, and she had tried hard to push it out of her mind. Gideon smiled as he met her in front of the Great Hall, and she smiled as well, though not quite as brightly.

"Hullo love," he greeted.

"Hello," she replied, not sure what to say. He frowned.

"You aren't having second thoughts, are you? I would understand – I don't want you to think that I'm pressuring you –" he said, his face slightly worried.

"No! I'm not. Why are you?" she said quickly. He grinned and his hand slid in hers.

"Lily, you're too incredible for _any_ boy to have second thoughts." She blushed.

"Why did you ask then?" she said, as they turned to stand in the check-in line.

"I heard about the argument that you and James had, and I just wanted to be sure," he said.

"What he thinks doesn't affect what I do. Potter was just acting immature," she reassured him. "Like he always does."

"That's what I told him." Gideon said. She nodded, and then stopped.

"What?"

"Well, he came to see me about it. He wanted to see what my intentions were with you and all that," Gideon said in a rather amused tone.

"I'm really sorry," she said. He shrugged, smiling.

"Don't worry about it," he said. "I can understand why he did it. He's James Potter, and you're Lily Evans."

They were walking towards Hogsmeade now. "What is that suppose to mean?" she asked, completely unsure how that was a reason.

"You know that James is taken with you Lily. You're a bright girl," Gideon said.

"Potter has unfortunately always made that abundantly clear, regardless of my level of intelligence," she said rather bitterly. Gideon grinned.

"Why does it bother you so much? I'd be flattered if it was me." She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'll be sure to inform him," she said.

"You know what I mean." Gideon persevered. "He's James Potter. He's the top of our class, he's the Quidditch Captain and responsible for your winning the cup every year since he's been playing (not that I'm at _all_ bitter about that), he comes from a respectable family, he's well off—"

"He'll take any opportunity he can to make sure everyone knows all of this," she cut in dryly. Gideon smiled.

"You think he's arrogant then? That's why you always turn him down when he asks you out?" Gideon asked.

"Why I turn him down is based on more than just one reason," she replied diplomatically. She didn't like talking about how she felt about James Potter with most people because they just didn't understand. "Is that what this is about?"

"Kind of. I guess I was surprised when you said yes to me. At first I thought, if she's been turning down James for years, what chance do I have?" They strolled into the Three Broomsticks to have a drink and sat at a table for two against the wall. They ordered drinks before turning back to the conversation.

"So why did you ask then?" she asked. He winced as though he had hoped she had forgotten.

"Lost a bet with Fabian. Please don't be mad," he said. She shook her head.

"How _is_ your brother?" she asked, knowing how close the two were.

Gideon smiled. "Going crazy with studying for his OWLS. He's been pretty unbearable, but I figure I was probably just as bad last year."

Lily nodded. They talked for a long time, about classes, books they had read or were reading, about it almost being seventh year and who would likely be head boy and girl, about what they saw themselves doing in the future, and all manner of things.

After a time, they got up to go to the bookshop, both now interested in finding some that the other had mentioned, when she saw him.

Potter and his friends were sitting at a booth a few tables away, laughing uproariously with Madam Rosmerta. Only James wasn't. He had been staring at her. When he caught her eye, he quickly looked towards the group and laughed, as though he had been paying attention the entire time.

She frowned as they walked out. She remembered what Potter had said about Gideon not making her laugh. She thought about their day so far, about all they had talked about, about how nice it was to have an intelligent debate about her thoughts on things. She couldn't really call it a conversation as they did not agree on most things, but they were trivial anyway, and she liked the way they engaged one another. But she hadn't laughed. His humor wasn't a laugh out loud kind. It was sharp and subtle and very amusing. It made her smile, but it did not make her laugh.

She thought back to what Gideon had said about how no boy could have second thoughts about wanting to date her. He hadn't called her beautiful, but he had implied something to that affect, hadn't he? She shook her head, clearing the thoughts away. It didn't matter what Potter thought. He didn't know her well. He just didn't want to see her with someone else because he thought that he had some kind of claim on her. It was totally barbaric the way he acted.

"Knut for your thoughts?" Gideon asked. She looked up at him.

"Nothing important," she said.

**AN**: I have taken careful pains to make sure that all of the characters were real and the happenings are completely plausible based on all of the books, with special reference to OoPT, though the plotline is completely fabricated (since that is the point of fanfiction).

I hope you enjoyed, and I **greatly appreciate reviews**! It helps me to update faster!

(And the third HP movie is completely faboo! Check it out!)


	2. We don't have rows

"Lily," Alice said. Lily was just finishing up packing the last of her things. She had left it to the last minute, as she always did.

"Go ahead down to dinner with the others, I'll be down just as soon as I finish!" she called out from beneath her bed, attempting to gather the books that had been collecting themselves there over the year.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. I've wanted to for awhile, but things have been so busy with exams." Lily came out from under her bed, and seeing the serious look on Alice's face, she got up and sat down with her.

"What is it?" Lily asked when they were situated.

"Why do you not like James?" she asked. Lily blinked.

"Well that was much more straight forward than I expected," Lily said, but seeing that Alice was unwavering, she sighed.

"It's not that I can't see his good qualities, it's just that those good qualities don't stand for much when I see all of his bad ones as well. Does that answer your question?"

"I suppose. I just wonder sometimes, if you see his side of it," Alice said cautiously.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"Well he likes you obviously, and every time you turn him down, it really hurts him. He's never himself for a few days afterward. For as much as you don't like him, he is serious about you, and I just wonder if you know that. Ever since you started dating Gideon, he hasn't really been… the same," Alice said tentatively.

"Potter and his friends got into an argument a month ago – everyone knows that," said Lily reasonably.

"I know, but I think…" Alice looked away.

"What?" Lily prodded.

"I think that it had something to do with you," Alice said quickly. There was a moment of silence.

"Don't be ridiculous," Lily scoffed.

"I'm serious Lily." She gave Alice an incredulous look. "Listen, Frank told me something. He said he heard the boys yelling that night. Somehow Serveus Snape was involved. I guess they were pulling some kind of prank on him, to cheer James up because he was so down about you and Gideon, only James didn't know about it, and when they told him, he…"

"He what?" Lily asked, as though almost afraid of the answer.

"He got upset. He said that it had gone too far. He and Sirius said some really mean things to each other, and then Sirius said James was starting to sound like you. James said that he thought maybe you had been right. Sirius brushed it off, saying that it was only because you were dating Gideon that James was talking like that, but James protested. James said that they weren't any better than the Slytherins. Sirius got really furious at that, but Frank didn't hear any more because they finally put a silencing charm on the room."

There was a long silence before Lily spoke. "Why are you telling me this?" she asked.

Alice took a minute in answering. "I just want to know why you don't like him. I respect James because at the very least, he's always been honest about his feelings for you, but I can never really tell your feelings about him."

Lily sighed. "For Potter, everything comes easy — money, talent, friends, grades, a good family, a great future. He's attractive, he's brilliant, and he's passionate, but he doesn't have any integrity. He doesn't place any value in the things he does have.

I look at him and I see all the things that I strive for; and then I see him acting like he did something to deserve it, like it was so easy to do, so passé. It makes me feel like it isn't worth the effort I put into it when I know it **_is_**, like I'm somehow stupid or pitiable because it's so easy and I still have to work so hard for it.

Generally, I could handle all of that. I'm sure that he was raised to act like he does, and he's not imperious all of the time. I don't think he's consciously aware of how arrogant he sounds when he opens his mouth, but the thing about Potter that I can't forgive is that he has all this potential to do and be whatever he wants, and what does he do with it? Stupid party tricks and bullying Slytherins just because he can. He cheapens and disrespects everything I try so hard to achieve."

"Oh Lily," Alice said. "Have you ever _told_ him that?"

"I can just imagine how great of a conversation _that_ would be," she said sarcastically. Before Alice could figure out what to say, Lily sighed and stood. "It's alright Alice, really. Let's head down to the feast. I'm starving, and I can finish packing later tonight."

And because Lily had already left, Alice sighed and followed.

"_There_ you are," Marlene said as the two walked over. "I though you'd _never_ finish!"

"I _still_ haven't," Lily said wryly. She smiled as Marlene muttered about too many books. "No such thing," she replied, filling her plate. Alice spotted Frank a little further down the table and went to sit with him.

Sirius and Peter were sitting at the table a few seats down as well, and Lily watched as Remus and James walked into the hall. Ever since their argument last month, tensions between the four had caused the strange split that had everyone –even the teachers—speculating about. The lack of pranks and general mayhem had made the end of the year seem uneventful, and other students, who were not otherwise predisposed to causing chaos, had taken to disrupting class just to break the awkwardness.

James and Remus sat down across from Sirius and Peter, but it was obvious that things were still awkward between them. Lily, because she had been thinking about what Alice had said, glanced over at James. The four mostly just sat there eating and didn't really talk.

Marlene and Dorcus had gotten into another one of their spats about Quidditch so she did not feel ashamed or worried about the fact she was staring. What startled her was when James glanced in her direction, almost as though out of habit, looked away, and then did a double take. He looked at her surprised, and strangely enough, she did not blush at being caught or look away.

She was thinking about what Alice had said –about James saying he thought maybe she was right. After a moment, he smiled at her. It wasn't his normal cocky grin, but a soft upturn of the corner of his lips. "Hi," he mouthed. She suddenly wanted to talk to him, to ask him about that night.

"What's with the staring contest?" a voice behind her said as she felt two arms slide over her shoulders. If the voice and embrace had not tipped her off as to whom it was, the look on James's face did. "You two aren't having another row, are you?"

"We don't _have_ rows," she said, turning to look at Gideon.

"Right Lily. Who do you think you're fooling? Your fights are legendary, even outside of your own house," he said teasingly. She was not amused.

"We don't _fight_," Lily said sternly, but simply. "We argue."

"I don't see the difference," he said.

She was suddenly reminded of that day when James had told her Gideon wasn't good for her because he didn't make her angry, but nobody made her angry the way James did. She didn't know how to explain it. Most things only made her frustrated. Few things actually made her angry, and James was just one of them.

They were stubborn when they fought, each just as passionately sure their opinion was right, though it was never malicious. They took it seriously, but James _liked_ her and she didn't really hate him, as some believed, so when they fought, he was honest and brilliant, and in that way it almost made it _fun_. It was a game, in a strange sense; one with vague rules and boundaries, but one that made sparks nonetheless.

She sighed. "Never mind," she said, because she always did when the subject was James and because she never knew how to classify that awkward feeling she always had in her stomach, that only ever seemed to go away when they argued and he made her angry.

Gideon dropped the subject and changed the topic to what her summer plans were. It was strange, she thought. Gideon was her boyfriend and yet the idea of not seeing him over holidays did not bother her. She thought it was suppose to, if the actions of other couples had been any indication, but they had not made plans to write, much less see one another, and he had seemed fine with this too, for which she was grateful. The idea of introducing him to her family –and that they might _like_ him— seemed almost paralyzing, though she could not think of why. She glanced over at James, but the four had left, as had Dorcus and Marlene. Most everyone had.

"Lily, this is really hard for me to say, so I want to say it and then leave so you have time to think it over, and we can talk tomorrow on the train, alright?" Gideon asked. She nodded.

He took a deep breath. "I really like you Lily. I love spending time with you and I don't ever feel like I have to work at our relationship. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with you, like we're really good friends who are also going steady. I just want to be sure you're happy, that this is what you want. I don't want you to be with me because it's easy, I want you to be with me because this is really what you want."

He stood up then and walked away, leaving a very stunned Lily in his wake.

The train ride had felt much shorter than it normally did, Lily thought. She had barely been able to sleep after talking with Gideon last night, completely unsure as to what her response should be, but knowing she should have one.

"It'll be all right, Lily, don't look so sad," Marlene said. Dorcus leaned over to embrace her in a one-armed hug, her head resting one Lily's shoulder.

Lily smiled. "I'm going to miss you both," she said. "And Alice."

Dorcus giggled. "I miss Alice _already_."

Marlene snorted. "Bet Frank doesn't."

They all laughed, knowing the couple was off snogging somewhere. "Come on," Lily said seriously. "Frank's not going to be there next year. That has to be really hard on both of them. They're used to seeing each other every day, and now they'll only get to see each other on Hogsmeade weekends."

"That's true," Dorcus said. "It will be so strange next year without Frank around."

"If by 'around' you mean showing up for five seconds to steal Alice away to go snog," Marlene said, biting back a smile.

"At least they don't try to make excuses for it anymore. Remember when they first started going out? They spent more time 'studying in the library' than the library is actually open," Lily said.

"It's just that Frank's a bad liar and Alice's face would always turn beet red!" Dorcus said. The girls giggled.

"Talking about us, are you?" Alice said, and the three girls looked up to see the couple standing in the door.

"And _how_!" Marlene said, giggling at being caught.

"Affectionately reminiscing only," Lily said. Frank shook his head and Alice smiled.

"Probably deserved it," Frank said. "Oh, by the way Lily, I think Gideon was looking for you."

"Oh, she said, her earlier worries and anxieties slipping back into her mind. "Thanks."

Just then, several large objects flew by the compartment door.

"Was that…?" Frank said.

"Slytherins in pink tutus?" Lily asked.

Everyone looked at each other, as though confirming what they saw.

"**Sirius Black!**" a loud voice boomed, and laughter was heard throughout the train as they pulled into the station. They all stood and began to file out.

"Lily!" Gideon said, and she turned to him, still smiling at the joke, though he seemed to read something else by it, because he did not ask her what she had thought about last night or anything like it.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked, and she was surprised, but suddenly thought that it would be a good test, to see if this was really what she wanted. She had kissed him several times before on the cheek in the past, but this, she thought, would be a definitive answer that could put in order all of the uncertain feelings she had.

"Yes," she said, and he smiled, leaned in, and kissed her. She closed her eyes, because he had, and waited a few seconds before he pulled away. It was nice, she supposed, but he smiled, smiled in a way that seemed to say he had felt something she hadn't.

She realized that suddenly and clearly that she would have to break up with him and was amazed at how relieved she felt, but he had just kissed her upon her consent and she rather thought it would be tactless just then. So she smiled back and they said goodbye, and she went off to say a final farewell to her friends, before finding her parents and going home.

**AN:** Everyone who **reviews** gets a cookie!

_Jellyman_- I agree that James is probably more arrogant about his skills than his background, but the point Gideon was trying to make is that James is a good catch, and Lily is tired of hearing about it. I do think that James's background helps to shape how he acts, if only by giving him confidence in who he is. Lily also, over the course of the story, will get to know James better, and realize that she may (does) have misconceptions about what he's really like. I hope this chapter helps to clear up some of that, though it may take a few more chapters. Also, the first chapter occurs after Snape's Worst Memory, but before the event with James saving Snape's life. I think that that period is crucial in altering James, and so use that as a starting point. Thanks for the compliments! I really appreciate it!

_Fallen Flower_- This is the end of sixth year. Sorry that wasn't clear and thanks for your review!

_Amandinka_- I think the book form is always better too, but I think the third movie has been the best so far!

_Cherry Chalk_- eek! And thanks.

_Lady Riddle_- Thanks! And I'll be sure to look into your J/L fic. I've been keeping up with your "Wish Upon a Star" (generally I'm horrible about reviewing—sorry!), and it's really intriguing so far!

_Katherine, StormAngel13, Aimz, wats up?_ – Thank you so much for your reviews! I read each one a couple times and I want you to know how much I appreciate it! Hope you like this chapter too!


	3. Why are you sorry?

Lily was nervous. She had barely gotten any sleep the night before and her stomach felt like a rock. Her mother dished up a plate of bacon, eggs and pancakes in front of her, but none of it looked appetizing. She remembered how the Quidditch team rarely ate before a game, and thought angrily about James Potter, who always seemed to be able to eat something, regardless of nerves.

He was never flustered, never anxious, never anything other than perfectly relaxed (something everyone else wished they were, or could at least passably pretend to be). He would probably pass his apparating test with ease, she thought bitterly. She picked up her fork and stabbed her pancake.

"You'll do brilliant, pumpkin," her dad said from over the top of his newspaper. She smiled up at him miserably.

"If I don't splice myself in two," she said dismally. Her mother made a disgruntled noise.

"Thank you for that reassuring comment dear," her mother said, and Lily grinned.

"Don't worry, mum. They can put me back together if I do. I just won't pass the test," she said, trying to assuage her mother's fears.

"I'm sure you'll do just fine," her mother said, giving her daughter a hug from behind.

"Thanks mum," she said.

"Isn't that right, Petunia? Aren't you going to wish your sister luck?" her mother asked pointedly. Petunia looked like she had swallowed something sour, but turned to Lily.

"Luck," she said, and though the term usually referred to _good_ luck, Lily got the distinct impression that was not the type of luck her sister was wishing her. Lily would not be at all surprised if it would please Petunia to find her returned home in pieces.

"Thanks," Lily said, and went back to moving the food around on her plate.

Before long, the grandfather clock in the living room chimed, and Lily knew it was time to go. Her father took her to the train station, from where she was to go to her Great Aunt Grania's home in Richmond, where she would Floo to the Ministry. Her Great Aunt Grania, named after Gráinne Ni Mháille (the pirate queen of Irish legend) had always been a bit strange, even for the wizarding world. Still, she was the only real connection that Lily had to the magical part of her life, and so she equally loved and feared the old woman.

Stepping into the Ministry was daunting to say the least. She blinked several times, trying to get her bearings, but someone coming through the fireplace bumped in behind her, and she stumbled forward into a line.

"Next," the deep voice in front of her said, and she stepped forward to meet a man in a uniform. "Name?" he asked.

"Lily Evans," she replied.

"Business?" he said, in a clearly disinterested voice.

"I'm here to take my apparating test," she said.

"Wand?" he stretched out his hand without looking up. She passed it to him and he placed it on a scale that emitted several strange noises, which he listened to intently, taking a note, Lily supposed, of what it said. "Willow, 10 ¼ "s, containing one unicorn tail. Is that correct?"

"Yes," she said. She was handed back her wand.

"You want Level Six. Take the lift there. Next!"

Lily shuffled her way into the elevator, completely sure she was doomed.

She had passed! She had passed! Though she had tried to play it off as casually as she could, she had been nervous almost to the point of nausea when it had began. The wizard who had been testing was about as friendly and solid as ice, but she cleared her head, focused on where she wanted to be, and had apparated on the precise point she was suppose to. The wizard had been impressed – many passed but few were as exact in their calculations on their first try. She was ecstatic.

The plan had been to Floo back to her aunt's and take the train, whether or not she passed, but she was too excited, and as soon as she had her license, she apparated into her kitchen at home.

_Crack!_

A scream erupted next to her ear, and she winced, bringing her hands up to cover her head. When the sound finally stopped, she glared over at her sister, who was clutching her chest like she was having a heart attack, and heaving.

"_What_ is _wrong _with you?!" Petunia cried. She huffed and glared. "_Besides_ the obvious fact that you're a freak who lives to torment me?"

"I was just excited! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you! You don't have to attack me for it! I didn't do it on _purpose_," Lily said exasperatingly.

"Oh, so you didn't _mean_ to suddenly appear like that?" Petunia bit out. Lily sighed.

"Okay, so I _meant_ to, but I didn't mean to _scare_ you. Besides, you knew I was going for the exam today," Lily said.

"But you were _suppose_ to take the train home today, like a _normal person_! But you can't even do _that right! _You have to go and be _special_, because you can't get the attention from doing things _right_. You're such a spaz, Lily. I can't believe I'm related to you," Petunia said, and Lily's hands began to shake.

"Believe me, the feeling is mutual," Lily bit back. "And you're just jealous because the only way _you_ can get any attention is by _pretending _to be a perfect daughter, when you're really more of a _witch_ than I am!"

Petunia glared, her face reddening, and her anger boiling over. "I wish you had never come along, then this family would have been perfect, without you screwing everything up all of the time! The only reason Mum and Dad give you more attention is because you're a freak and they _pity_ you and the fact you can't be _normal_!"

Rage boiled in Lily's stomach and now her whole body was shaking. "Shut up!" she said, closing her eyes, half wishing it wasn't true and half knowing it was. But Petunia wasn't done.

"Before you came along, they didn't have to worry about _lying_ to people about their children, and they didn't have to cover up all of your little_ accidents_ to the neighbors, and they were _happier without you!_"

Lily tried to push her emotions deep down inside of her, but she knew it was too late. She didn't want to do something stupid again. She didn't want another accident that her parents would have to try and excuse to the neighbors. She was angry, so _angry_, that she just wanted to scream. She closed her eyes, and felt the familiar tingle of apparating flood her veins.

_Crack!_

For the second time that day, someone yelled in her ear. This voice, however, was much more masculine, and much more surprised than terrified. She suddenly felt herself falling, before a body seemed to embrace her. She opened her eyes into the curious eyes of James Potter, his arms holding her on his broomstick fifty yards above the backyard of his home.

"So your fat head _doesn't_ stop you from getting off of the ground. _Amazing_. What charm have you put on this broom then? Or do you have to charm your own head?" she said scathingly, and for a moment he seemed surprised, before his eyes glimmered, as though relishing the fight he knew was coming, and knowing that she wasn't _really_ mad at him.

"Didn't your mother ever teach you people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? Did you even _pass_ your apparating test, or is this it, and instead of moving three feet, you moved your big bum across Britain?" he said bitingly.

"Big bum?!" She cried. "How dare you?! You think you're some great catch yourself, Potter, with your atrocious hair and your arrogant little smirk?"

Before she could continue, he cut in with said grin. "Yes, actually, I rather _do_," he said calmly, which only served to wind her up further.

"That's because the _only_ person who could possibly be even slightly as impressed with yourself as you are is your reflection! You disgust me, and I simply don't understand how someone as arrogant and frustrating could be so incredibly blind to the fact that no one else thinks you're half as charming as you believe. I mean, you're completely irresponsible, you have the worst sense of humor imaginable, you have no sense of propriety or manners, you always say the wrong things at the wrong time, you have no discipline or respect for others, and you always always always think that your stupid little grin of yours is going to get you out of whatever trouble you've knowingly gotten yourself into! You're a complete disgrace!"

She took several deep breaths after finishing.

"Are you quite done?" he asked softly, as though he had missed her, a warm grin on his face as he pushed aside the hair that had fallen loose during her tirade. She glared, which he took for a yes. "Would you like to stay for supper? I'm sure all that ranting about how I'm such a horrible human being has made you hungry by now."

She looked at him to see that he was completely serious. Whatever anger was left in her fizzled away. She nodded. He steered the broomstick to the ground and they dismounted.

"Tell the truth, Evans," he said with a confident smirk, though she knew it was only in place to tease her, "you had to have been thinking about me this summer if you had all of that stored up inside you."

"In your dreams Potter," she said, her lips twitching into a small smile. "I know this is pretty hard for your tiny brain to conceive of, but this had nothing to do with you."

He grinned. "So what was it about then?"

Lily at first seemed hesitant to explain, but thought that she rather owed it to him after literally coming out of nowhere to harass him. Not that she didn't believe every word she had said. "My sister Petunia and I got into an argument," she said.

"I didn't know you had a sister. Is she a witch too?" he asked.

"No. She's older, and she doesn't like the fact that I'm a witch. She can't understand magic, and she's jealous because I get more attention from my parents for, well, being different. Most of the time when we're together my parents are there, and we're forced to get along, but my parents own a flower shop, and during the summers when they're working, Petunia and I get into a lot of spats when we're left alone together."

"Oh," he said. "I always wanted a sibling, a brother, but I never thought what it would be like if he weren't a wizard. When Sirius moved in with us last year, it was great. He has a little brother, and they used to get along fine, but Sirius didn't get along with his parents, so he came here. I loved it. I didn't want the summer to end. I didn't want to go back to school, and that was the first time I had ever thought that. I thought, I can't wait until we get out. Sirius and I will move in together and this is what it will be like all the time." James's face dropped some. "But Sirius got a place in London for summer this year. I guess it's for the best, but it's still kind of strange. I wish he hadn't, or he had told me first what he was planning before he did it, but he never did give anybody warning about what he's planning, so I don't know why I expected it. He should be here later tonight though. Mum still makes him come over once a week for dinner at least."

She rather thought it should have been obvious James was an only child, but it was strange listening to him speak about it. He sounded almost lonely, and Lily suddenly wondered if the reason why James acted the way he did sometimes was because he wanted people to like him, because he didn't want to be alone. James was popular, but Lily realized maybe she had acted like that sometimes too: like she was something worthwhile, if it meant that she had friends, if it meant that she wasn't alone.

"Mum!" James bellowed as they stepped in through the backdoor. "We've got another for dinner!"

Lily suddenly questioned whether or not this was a good idea, but before she could voice anything, a woman bustled into the room with fierce black hair and ferocious red lipstick, clipping an earring in her ear.

"Everything is ready, dear, and there's plenty to go around. Sirius is supposed to be a little late, he fired in to tell me. Something about wanting to test out how long it takes to get from Stratford to Brixton on that new motorcycle of his. Your father and I have a charity function tonight so we won't be in until late. Be sure to—"

"Mother, this is Lily Evans—" James tried to get in, but the woman continued to ramble off a list of duties he had for the evening, and his schedule tomorrow, filled with several important organized social encounters with people from the ministry to rub elbows with. She stressed how important it was for him to make a good impression, especially with the Auror administrators and officials. By the time she was through, James had stopped trying to interrupt her and stood there nodding.

"Good. Don't stay up too late. I'll see you in the morning," she said, and with a swish of her elegant black robes, she was gone.

He turned back to her, an ironic smile on his face. "Lily Evans," he said belatedly, "my mother."

There was an awkward moment where she didn't know what to say. "An Auror? I thought you were going to be a professional Quidditch player. You've had scouts watching you since third year."

He grinned. "And how would you know that? Unless of course you actually attended a Gryffindor game?"

She scowled. "Of course I do. I've been to them all. Simply because _you're_ there, doesn't mean I let it ruin my time. If I did, then my whole Hogwarts career would have been ruined by now."

"You wound me, Evans," he said, throwing his hands over his heart in defeat. They sat down at a long cherry wood table with high-backed chairs. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was not the type of arrangement that allowed for anything other than perfect posture and grace.

"You're evading my question," she said. Food presented itself, and they dished up. He used this as a preoccupation so he didn't have to look at her.

"Don't be ridiculous. Me? A Potter? Become a Quidditch player professionally? It would be disgraceful," he said, and she could hear the anger tinge his voice.

"But I thought you loved flying," she said, as though if he just explained this to his parents they would understand that it wasn't a silly waste of time.

"I do," he said, but shrugged. "Being an Auror isn't exactly settling though. I mean, I _do_ want to become one. It will be challenging, and a change of scene, so at least I won't get bored."

"Yes," she said sarcastically. "Because playing hero and inflating your ego from the size of Britain that it already is to the size of the entire European continent sounds like a smashing idea."

"Well what is it _you_ want to do then? Take over your parent's flower shop?" he asked. She blushed, and muttered something. "What?"

"I want to be an Auror, but before you laugh, I'm not doing it for the glory of it, I'm doing it because I want to _help_ people. I wanted to be a medi-witch, but I'm no good at it really, but I _am_ good at DADA and Charms, so I thought it would be the next best thing," she said. She stared at her food again.

"Do you know how many women Aurors there are?" he said. She glared up at him.

"Listen Potter, if you're going to spout off about why I shouldn't do it, simply because I'm a female—"

"I'm just saying that it's going to be hard. For me, I'll get in because of who my father is and it won't matter how good I am, but you're a girl and a muggleborn, and that's going to count against you. It's really brave of you, and really stupid," he said.

"At least I'm serious about the reasons I'm doing it and at least I know that I'm going to _earn_ what I have," she said.

He glared at her. "Well good for you," he said. "I'm happy you feel that way."

Before the argument could escalate further, a loud bang and crashing noise sounded out back. Startled, they both stood and started for the door. He looked surprised at her.

"It's just Sirius," he said. "Probably ended up next door again by mistake. He always overshoots the landing. I'll be right back."

He left her standing in the hallway, and she stood there for a few moments, before taking a look around at the portraits hung on the walls of James and his family and ancestors.

"It's really cruel of you, you know, showing up like this." The drawl of Sirius's voice froze her in her tracks. He stood, his arms crossed, leaning against the wall as though he had every right to be there, glaring at her darkly.

"What?" she asked, completely taken aback.

"I said you're _cruel_. Heartless. Perverse. Wicked. Whichever you prefer," he said scathingly and slowly, as though speaking to a small child.

She was surprised and somewhat intimidated. She knew that James would never really hurt her, but Sirius…he had always been a loose cannon with a short fuse and a devastating destructive power.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, proud that her voice sounded stronger than she felt.

"Everyone says you're a bright girl, Evans, and yet test time comes, and I must say, you rather disappoint. Have you broken up with Gideon yet?" he asked.

She was extremely hurt by his words, and yet had been surprised to hear him ask about Gideon. "No," she had said, happy to have some definitive knowledge to present after his accusation.

"Then why are you _here_?" Sirius bit out.

"What?" she asked, and felt just as stupid as he had implied. His glare only intensified as he shoved off the wall and came towards her.

"I asked why you're _here_, Evans, when you could have gone to your _boyfriend's_ for comfort." His form towered over her, and she thought about all the rumors about him at that moment – about how he had grown up with dark wizards and he knew more curses and hexes in his first year than most seventh years did. At that moment, with the dark glare in his eye and the overwhelming stance he took, forcing her to step back until she reached the wall, she had never been so afraid of anything in her life and was sure that he was in fact capable of all she had heard.

"Do you know _why_ you're cruel Evans? Since you seem to be ignorant of the answer, I'll explain it to you, shall I?" He said, his dark voice quiet, but scarcely covering the anger she could feel radiating from him. "There are only three kinds of people in James's world: those who like or use the Dark Arts, friends and family he would die for, and _you_."

This statement seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks. Her stomach suddenly felt like it had been filled with lead. She knew that James _cared_, of course, but what Sirius was implying… She thought about the argument Alice had told her about, how Sirius and James had fought over what she thought. She looked into his eyes, and knew without a doubt that he believed she was more important to James than he was.

"But you're dating _Gideon_," Sirius continued. "Now, granted, Gideon's a nice fellow, but he's nothing like James, and you know that. So this cover you have with Gideon to defend yourself against James may in fact also carry with it some well-intentioned amorous affection, but I highly doubt it, because if it did, then why in the bloody hell did you have to come _here_, to James's _home_, to see _him_, when you've made it blatantly clear in the past that you want nothing to do with him. It's _cruel_ of you to come here and pretend like it means something to you. It's _cruel_ of you to give him hope, even for a single second, that you actually want to be with him. It's _cruel_ because you _don't know_ him.

You may think he's an arrogant twit, and he may well be, but he's also the best friend any mate could ask for. You have _no idea_ all that he is! How noble and brave and passionate! How much he would risk and lose, just for the happiness of those he cares about, even if it's only fleeting or temporary! How deeply you hurt him every time you look at him and don't see him as enough!

You think it's just some school romance, but James isn't the kind of person who just flits around between girls. There's only _one_ for him. There has only _ever_ been one, and there only ever will be one! For as much as he tries to casually pass it off, it kills a bit of him every time you look at him like he's the dirt beneath your feet. I curse the day you came into his life. I curse the day you were born. Because you don't have any idea how fucking incredible he is and you don't deserve him! You're just a _tease_, a _cruel_ tease."

A tear slipped down her cheek as her body trembled, from fear or anger or hurt she did not know. She wished that he would just pull out his wand and curse her, so that at least her outsides could feel as painful as her insides, and she could somehow know what to do or say.

"What's going on here?" James's sharp tone startled them both. Sirius pulled away and entered into a staring contest with James. Sirius's face was blank, and James's demanded answers. Lily looked at him, at the powerful look on James's face, and every cold feeling that had been careening around her slipped away, leaving her numb.

"Nothing," Lily heard herself saying. James's startled face came to meet her eyes. "I should go. My parents will be worried."

James looked at her, as though wanting to say something, but after a moment of silence, and ignoring Sirius to the best of her ability, she closed her eyes and apparated home.

"Lily! Oh thank God! Are you alright?" Her mother's arms were suddenly tight around her, and she both detested and appreciated the comforting touch. The familiar smells and warmth of her home filled her, and helped to clear some of the numbness, but by no means lifted the shroud.

"I'm fine, mum. I just went to a friend's. I've already eaten. I'm rather tired now, and I'd like to head to bed if that's alright," Lily said. She could see the glaring form of Petunia sitting at the table, who had without a doubt been blamed for Lily's absence and probably punished, but she could not summon up a wisp of feeling in response.

"Of course," her father said with a relieved smile, and Lily trudged up the stairs.

"Did you _see_ the way she looked?" she heard her mother say angrily to her sister.

"It's hardly my fault she went off and _disappeared_!" Petunia said.

"She could have been laying in a ditch somewhere! She could have been hurt! She could have been _dead_! All because you had to tease her about what she is! It's not _her_ fault she's different! Why can't you _see_ that? You're her _older sister_! You're supposed to be responsible and you're supposed to _look after her_! There are so many people in this world that will be against her for what she is, but you're her family! What's going to happen when one day you'll be the only family each other has? It would tear me apart to know that you two couldn't get along like the reasonable adults you're suppose to be becoming!"

Lily shut her door behind her, the anger of her mother's words muffled by the walls. She walked over to her desk, took out a piece of parchment and a quill, and began to write.

_Dear Gideon,_

_I know that this may come as a surprise, and I apologize if I have lead you on, but I feel that you and I should end our romantic relationship.  I simply feel as though our friendship is too valuable to jeopardize with the dramatic entanglements required for a deeper relationship. I understand if you are upset, and I ask only that you please do not doubt that I continue to care for you._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Lily_

Sending off the letter and without even changing out of her clothes, Lily slipped into bed and fell asleep.

She stood outside of the Head compartment. It was so strange to finally be there. She was so happy, she had worked so hard, and her parents had been so proud. She took a deep breath, telling herself that whoever made Head Boy, she would be gracious and fair. She would work hard, and try her best to compromise, even if he was a Slytherin who hated her for being a Muggleborn. Her resolve hardened, she slid open the compartment door.

James Potter was sitting there leaning over the clasped hands he had resting on his knees. His face looked troubled, and for a moment, she thought that Remus had made Head Boy, but was somehow injured or ill, and Potter had come to tell her. She stepped in the compartment, and he looked up at her entrance. They stared at each other for a long moment, before James stood up straight, and looking more serious than she had ever thought possible, spoke.

"I know you didn't expect me to be in here, and trust me when I say you're not the only one it came as a shock to. I wanted to tell you that no matter what anyone says, or even based on what my past may indicate, I do take this appointment seriously, and I don't plan on abusing any power or any personal prejudices I may have because of it. I know that you and I…" for a moment, he seemed at a loss for words, "have a past that may make difficult our joint efforts, but I want you to know that I'm willing to do my part, and that I don't expect you to completely forgive any past indiscretions. I understand if you're upset, and I want you to know that I don't plan on taking advantage of our new living arrangements in any way that would be ungentlemanly."

She was speechless. Utterly. Speechless. Seeing this, he continued in his calm straightforward manner.

"I've drawn up a proposed schedule for bathroom times and a list of possible passwords I know for a fact no one, including my friends, could guess. We can discuss these now, or after the prefects meeting, which we should commence in about fifteen minutes. Having never been a prefect, I was hoping you could either give me some idea as to what I should do at the meeting, or direct the majority of it. I have spoken to Remus about having to address certain start of the term notices with the prefects, and their duties, of which I am aware. Beyond that, I really would appreciate any guidance you may have."

Lily's mouth opened, as though she had something to say, but her mind knew for a fact that she didn't. The look on his face was one that was expecting a large explosion of some kind.

Lily walked over to her seat and sat down. She took a deep breath and looked at him. She wished, perhaps for the first time in her life, that he would grin that annoying grin of his, so she would know that it was all some joke. If she had walked in and seen him luxuriating in the room like he belonged there, if he had paraded the sparkling badge on his robes to her like it was some heroic medal, if he had made some lewd jokes about their sharing of the Head's tower, then she would have known that it was all a joke. But he looked awkward, like he knew he didn't belong there, and he was serious, like he was apologizing for the fact it was true.

She almost felt like crying. He hadn't been a prefect because he had spent too much time in detention! He only passed his classes because he spent the lunch before class doing his homework! He was once again handed something that he didn't do anything to deserve!

She was being overly critical, she knew, but she didn't care. The one person who could cheapen how hard she had worked to have the position bestowed upon her had to be chosen as well. She clenched her jaw to bite back the tears that burned in her eyes. Why did it have to be _him_? 

"I'm sorry," he said. She looked up at him, trying to gain some composure.

"Why are _you_ sorry?" she asked.

He looked away, and she noticed for the first time the white fists clenched tight that hung uselessly at his sides. "Because I know how much this means to you," he said. He did not look at her, and so completely missed the surprised look on her face. She looked down in her lap. For as much as she wanted to be upset, for as much as she wanted to hear _one_ good reason as to why _he_ had been picked, she knew he had honestly meant what he had said.

"James?" she said. He looked at her, surprise flooding his features. She had never called him 'James' before.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Thanks," she said.

**AN:** I have three jobs right now, so I am hoping to have an update once a week, but I may have to make it once every two weeks. Sorry about that, but hopefully this longer chapter will tide you over for a bit.

A special thanks to **everyone** who reviewed! They are much appreciated! (hinthint).


	4. It isn't a phase

Both Lily and James had followed their classmates up to the Gryffindor common room after the feast, not realizing that they were no longer housed with the rest of their year. When the rest of the younger years had cleared out there was an awkward moment of silence, where everyone seemed to realize the sudden shift that had taken place. Both stood in their small circle away from the other, catching up with their friends, and half-wishing they didn't have to leave.

They promised that things wouldn't change, but everyone knew that it would. They wouldn't be around for midnight secret confessions or amusing wake-up calls, for common room study sessions or spontaneous adventures, for remembering past and making future memories. They were moving away, and they were doing it together.

Lily eyed James, and he looked at her, an unspoken agreement coming between them. They said goodbye to their respective groups and watched as they all went up the stairs to the rooms that no longer held a place for them. Lily was suddenly overwhelmingly glad that it was James that had been picked as Head Boy, and not someone from another house. For as much as she was upset it was him, she was equally glad it was someone steady and familiar to her. It would be an adjustment, but he would be just as alone, and though it was selfish, she was glad that at the very least she wasn't the only one who would be left out.

He looked at the fire, at the carpet, at his hands, at anything but her.

"I don't know where the Head Room is," she realized suddenly.

"I do," he said. She frowned, knowing that Dumbledore had not mentioned it, and thus he must know from his late night wanderings. She bit her tongue. She was too tired to start an argument. He led the way out of the portrait hole. The silence between them was painful. Lily couldn't think of an appropriate thing to say.

"How was your summer?" he asked to break the awkwardness, but it didn't really help.

"All right. Yours?" She didn't really feel comfortable elaborating on the fact that her sister had gotten engaged to her school sweetheart, making her life pure torture as she had to be a human pincushion for ugly pink taffeta gowns that her sister had chosen as bridesmaid dresses and her mother had sewn.

"Not bad," he said, and, struggling to lighten the mood, added, "Sirius accidentally crashed his motorcycle into my bedroom, I was on probation for the last month with the ministry, and a beautiful girl fell out of the sky into my arms, so it was generally pretty normal."

She glanced at him, clearly unimpressed. "Probation?" she said. He seemed to grimace slightly.

"Yeah, I was bored and was stupid enough to get caught. I didn't really do anything illegal. Technically," he said, wishing she had focused on the part where he had called her beautiful, or even the part with Sirius, and not this, not about how he was such a screw up.

"Yet you're still Head Boy," she said tightly, and he winced. She probably thought he was bragging about it. He honestly hadn't meant for it to come across that way.

"Yeah," he said softly. "My parents brushed it under the rug, generally speaking."

"And what did your parents do when they found out?" she asked, thinking about her own parents and what _they_ would have done.

He shrugged and said bitterly, "My parents don't really care what I do. They think it's just a phase."

"Is it?" she asked. He looked at her. "A phase?" she clarified.

He stopped walking and looked away from her. "It is my honest belief that boredom is a fate worse than death. When I'm bored, I feel like I have two weeks left to live as a human vegetable and I'm going to spend it begging the medi-witch for a mercy killing. I _like_ things that are hard to do. I _like_ challenges. If it's clear to anyone I would think that it would be clear to you that I only like things that are worth the struggle you have to go through to get them. It isn't a _phase_. I don't just _play around_, and I'm not just going to _grow out_ of who I am and what I believe. Even if I am a constant disappointment."

"James?" He turned to her, and the angry look left his face. It appeared he liked the fact she was calling him by his first name.

"Yes Lily?" The way he said her name was somehow different than anything else she had ever heard him say, like it was both delicate and strong, and needed to be caressed in just a way so that it sounded like a prayer.

She sighed and looked away. "Congratulations on making Head Boy," she said. She looked up at the sound of his ironic laugh.

"You know, you're the first person to say that to me," he said.

"What?" she said surprised. "Your parents—"

"Expected it. After disappointing them when I wasn't chosen as a prefect, it was only appropriate that I make it up to them."

"Surely your friends—"

"Are thoroughly brassed off at my dedication to conflicting beliefs of upholding the honor-bound traditions of being Head Boy and upholding the honor-bound traditions of being a Marauder."

"Dumbledore?" she asked as a last resort. He grinned sarcastically.

"The funny thing about Dumbledore is he's the only Headmaster who could hear about my probation and announce my tentative appointment as Head Boy in the same conversation. I'm rather sure he thought it wasn't the time for warm sentiments."

"What did you _do_ anyway?" she asked. He turned away from her.

"You know Diagon Alley?" he asked. She nodded. "I sort of…changed some signs around."

"Changed some signs around?"

"Yeah. Some posters…" he said trailing off. She thought that couldn't be anything to incur a month of probation.

"That doesn't sound so horrible," she said.

"And some street signs…" he continued. "…shop signs…warning signs…"

"Potter!" She realized she was suppose to be calling him James now, like they had decided, because they were going to have to work together, but it was habit for her really.

"It was stupid, alright? I admit it," he said defensively. "I changed it all back, paid a twenty galleon fine, and was put on probation."

Silence reigned again.

"So how far exactly is the Head's Room?" she inquired.

"Ahhh…" he glanced around. She glared.

"Don't tell me you're lost."

"I'm lost," he said, grinning.

"I don't believe you!" she cried. _Now_ what would they do.

"Good," he said, before announcing they were there.

"But you just said…"

"You told me not to tell you I was lost. I thought, why? What would happen if she thought we were? Would the world end? Would my existence be forever changed? It's a dangerous thing, telling a Marauder not to do something without giving any logical reasoning."

She made a disgruntled sound. "For one evening, is it possible for you to not do anything to offend me, so I in turn won't be completely frustrated? I really lack the appropriate energy right now."

"It's possible, but not probable," he said. "I'm having copious amounts of gratuitous sex with Lily Evans."

"What do you think you're—" the sight of the portrait they were standing in front of opening cut off her words. She closed her eyes and the heat in her cheeks seemed to roar. "Please tell me that isn't the password?"

She looked at him begging. "I told you my friends wouldn't guess it," he said in his defense, and she noted a tinge of red on his cheeks as well. She closed her eyes and a long moment of silence reigned. "Say something," he demanded.

"I don't think I quite have the words to describe the ferocious disgust towards your person I'm feeling at this very moment," she declared. How could he have possibly done such a thing?! She glared at him with all the vestiges of boiling rage left in her after the thoroughly exhausting day.

"That's never seemed to stop you before," he said.

"You sound as though you enjoy that," she said skeptically.

"I wouldn't say I enjoy it," he said thoughtfully. His eyes found hers, and she could feel the sincerity behind his words. "I like the fact that you aren't afraid of hurting my feelings if it means you're being honest. I like the fact that you're willing to stand up for what you believe in, even if you're right, and especially when you're wrong. I like the fact that you have one of the most…_colorful_ mouths on a girl I've ever heard, and I like the fact that you're not afraid of offending the company we keep by using it."

Rather than face the explosion he knew would be coming any moment, he chose to enter the Head Room. She stood there telling herself to take deep breaths for several moments and fought down a completely inappropriate grin before following.

The room was beautiful; the deep lush red and elegant gold and white trimmings making the room hold an air of nobility. The plush-looking furniture was intricately carved cherry wood. The marble fireplace was decorated with an array of welcoming sweets and butterbeer. It was large, though much smaller than the Gryffindor common room, as it was obviously only expected to house and comfort two people.

Their doors were carved and painted with old runic symbols of blessing. Lily smiled as she looked at hers, knowing it was hers without even knowing how. Something deep stirred within her as she looked at it, and glancing over at James, who was staring at his own door, was rather sure he felt the same thing. She stepped forward, but there was no handle for her to open. James pulled out his wand and was trying several different unlocking charms, all with no success.

Something whispered in Lily's gut, and before she even thought about it, she raised her hand to the door, her fingers tracing the rune in the center, a symbol she didn't recognize. Immediately it evaporated into the wood, and a round handle appeared in its stead, in the center of the door. Smiling, Lily turned the knob, and hearing the satisfying click of an opening lock, pushed open the door.

Her room was much smaller than her old dormitory room had been, but then, she thought, this one only needed to house her and no one else. The thought saddened her somewhat, and she realized that she had almost looked forward to listening to Alice snore and Marlene talk in her sleep as she too drifted off. Leaving the door open, she walked in and looked fondly at the four poster bed that was made and ready to be taken advantage of. She bit her lip as she glanced down at her trunk, but sighed and opened it, before beginning to unpack. She put her clothes in her bureau and her toiletries in the Head bathroom, which was definitely a perk with its luxuriously personalized his and her sections. She brought her books out and placed them in the bookstand she had noted earlier in the common room, surprised to see James's already there— both his textbooks and a good array of personal ones as well. She raised an eyebrow at the highly advanced transfiguration and DADA books, though, she reasoned, those had always been his best subjects and he probably had an interest in them if he wanted to be an Auror.

She glanced over at his door. She frowned, thinking about the password. He really was immature, not to mention crude. It really wasn't fair that he had chosen something so incredibly inappropriate, though she supposed she should have expected as much when she had said that anything would be fine. Shaking her head, she resigned herself to the fact that this was James Potter she was dealing with. Simply because he had been made Head Boy did not change the fact that he was irrevocably the frustration he had always been, only that she would be forced into participating in their little mind games much more often. Upset, knowing that he would never do anything to make this easier for her, knowing that she was going to have to fight him for every bit she gained, knowing that the position had suddenly become another task and chore instead of honor, she slid into bed, thinking about how he must be celebrating in the next room over.

The sudden image of him sitting on his bed with that same tortured expression he had worn when she had entered the Head compartment on the train entered her mind. She imagined him thinking about his friends with the same segregated longing she did hers, and she thought about the fact that she really was only a door away from him. She shook the thoughts from her mind. They weren't friends, and she knew that going over there would only instigate another argument, even if he was in a position of vulnerability (though she mentally snorted in amusement at the very idea of that).

She rolled over and tried to sleep, but nervousness and excitement of all that was to come kept her restless for most of the night. Around four, she finally managed to drift off into a deep sleep that left her groggy and slow when she awoke. Rubbing her eyes, and glancing at the clock, she realized she would have to hurry if she wanted to get a decent breakfast in. Glancing at the bathroom door, she took note of the little sign that indicated the Head Boy was 'Out'. She entered, hoping the indicator he most likely had in his room would not entice him into entering. He had said he would act as a gentleman, and for as much as Lily was nervous, she did trust him to keep his word. James was many things, but a liar was not one of them. Still, she showered and changed quickly.

Entering the common room, she found that he had left his door open, and that he had already left. It was a bold move on his part and it clearly displayed a level of trust that she did not feel the need to reciprocate. She shut her door tightly, pleased when the rune once again engraved itself on her door. About to head out, she noticed a piece of parchment on the table near the portrait hole. Curious at the letter addressed to her, she picked it up and began to read the messy scrawl.

_Evans Lily,_

_I'm sorry about the password. I've already talked to the Baron Von Tressor (the portrait) and he says he'll accept whatever you say first when you exit as the new password. Also, I figured you didn't get a very clear idea of where the Head Room is in relation to the rest of the school, so I drew you a little map—_

            At this, she pulled out the second piece of parchment that was an incredible replica of the passageways surrounding the Head Room, with little trails marked for the fastest ways to get to the Great Hall, the Gryffindor dormitories, the Library, and their classrooms. A little dot stood where she did, and above the dot a little scribble said 'You are here.' She was incredibly impressed and incredibly upset. Just how in the world did he know about all of this (besides her infamous ability to always get lost at the worst times—especially when she was late)? The magic that he must have used was very advanced, and though the map wasn't of the whole school, she really rather thought it was quite genius and, once getting past who she had received it from, one of the most heartfelt gifts she had ever received. Smiling, she turned back to the note.

            _Hope it helps. To clear it, just tap it twice with your wand, and twice again to reveal it. Don't lose it, or we'll be in trouble!_

_                        -James_

For a moment, Lily felt slightly guilty about her thoughts the night before. It really was horrible of him, she decided. Whenever he was being a prat he was being himself, and whenever he was being nice, he was only doing it because he _liked_ her…maybe even loved her. It put her in the awkward position of never knowing what his real intentions behind the things he did were. If the only reason he was being incredibly considerate was so she would like him back, then it upset her that he would think she could be easily persuaded to turn a blind eye to his annoying habits…but if he was being genuine because maybe who he _was_ was becoming less pratish, then how was she to know?

            _Horrible_, she reiterated in her mind as she followed the arrows on the map to the Great Hall, _he's simply horrible_.

Sitting down with her friends, she filled her plate and resolutely would not look in his direction. She felt slightly ungrateful and slightly justified. Looking down at the schedule she was passed by Marlene, she noted that she would have all of the same classes as Alice and Remus, though Marlene, Dorcus and the rest of the Marauders had Muggle Studies instead of Ancient Runes.

            She was happy to note that Double Charms was their first lesson, followed by Potions. While Lily had never particularly excelled in Potions, Marlene was meticulous to a fault, and quite often was a competitor for Serveus Snape's top position. Since Lily was usually her partner, and the professor preferred they work in pairs so as to minimize both the amount of materials used and the damage that could be done, she often found the class quite enjoyable and received top marks herself. The day passed with unusual normalcy, their teachers overemphasizing how their hard work during their last and final year for their NEWT exams would outline the course for their entire futures. She did her best to avoid James as much as possible, though he seemed to be everywhere she was, whether by fate's design or his own she was never quite sure.

            For the most part, during the day she could ignore him all she wanted, but at night, when she could no longer dawdle in the Gryffindor common room with her friends, she had to return to the Head Room, and to him. Her new password, an obscure passage from a Yeats poem, would be cracked within the week, he had declared. Apparently Remus had a fondness for obscurity as well, though he had told her it was a good start. Their conversations were always curt and awkward, and often after attempting several minutes of civil pleasantries, they would fall into silence, unable to think of anything to say. It was obvious they were trying their best to be pleasant with one another and get along. It was absolutely painful.

She was glad when their homework loads began to pick up, so that she could bury herself in her work, and did not have to make an excuse to avoid him. He as well had very quickly made a habit of leaving before she awoke, and stayed out until curfew, though she had noted he was never once late coming back on time. He breezed through the same homework she spent hours on and he always seemed to be able to perfectly balance his class work with all of his duties, as well as Quidditch practices and time for his friends and their antics, though she had noted that none of their pranks were nearly up to the par they had set during previous years. He seemed somehow mellowed, but still amused, except when he dealt with her. His face would become serious, and it had gotten to the point where she could barely look at him without feeling the frustration boil under her skin.

            She watched as James began to walk over to the table she and her friends were sitting at, every fiber of her being bristling with tension, but he did his part and didn't even glance in her direction. He spoke to Dorcus, who was also on the Quidditch team, about tryouts for their open Seeker position. Lily took the opportunity to head up to grab her books. It was inevitable, she thought later. With so many of the same classes it was bound to happen because he was so messy and couldn't keep his own books on their own shelves. She had accidentally taken his textbooks instead of her own, and she did not realize this until she was sitting in Transfiguration class and it was too late to do anything about it.

            She looked at him from across the room and he warily inspected what had to be her own books, obviously aware that they were not his. He was touching them with only the tips of his fingers and making a face of slight distaste. Remus, sitting at his side, spoke to him, and tossed his head in her direction. James looked at her with obvious realization, but before he could communicate anything, Professor McGonnagal snapped at him to pay attention.

Obviously irritated, he turned back to class, and she did the same. A moment later, a note was passed to her, and discreetly, she opened it under her desk.

            _Careful. They're charmed. I've got something I have to do during lunch so I'll trade you back later. Be in the common room at 8._

            She looked back over at him and nodded, slightly ruffled that he would make her work around his schedule, though she would have been in their common room that night at that time anyway and they both knew it. Pushing aside the slight frustration into the pile that had been building since they tentatively called a truce, she crumpled up the note and refocused her attention to class.

James's books had indeed been charmed, if that's what she could call it, though not in a way she could have expected. There were notes that were annotated in the side margins to her, often warnings that made her laugh. _Do not combine with frogspawn--can result in leprosy. Adding two extra flies can make smell similar to that of Dungbombs and Goyle. Don't ever ever ever attempt while under the influence of Firewhiskey--unless looking to grow extra limbs. _

            His books also were liquid proof, which Lily discovered quite by accident when she spilled a drop of pumpkin juice on a page, and it moved its way off and onto the flat table. Certain spells were renamed accordingly: transforming rocks into margarine had become _I Can't Believe It's Not Butter_ and charming things to smell like roses was renamed to _A Spell Every Slytherin Should Be Required To Learn and Practice Daily._ On top of that, if Lily was thinking about a specific spell or potion or charm she was looking for, regardless of where she would open the book, the right page would be staring back at her.

            There were other charms, she was sure, that she had not discovered, but she was absolutely in love with James's books, and had almost come to dread the time when she would have to return them. But he did not return to the common room that night, and she knew because she stayed in it. It was quite possible that he had been held up with some other business. It was quite possible he had forgotten their meeting. It was quite possible he had stayed out late and had left early. But she doubted it.

            Lily had glanced out at the full moon from the common room window as she heard the long cry of a wolf in the night. She had said a silent prayer for Remus, whom she had discovered was cursed with lycanthropy in third year. She had been sick in the hospital wing on the night of the full moon, when he was suppose to be visiting his own sick grandmother, and he was led out of the wing by Madam Frotney. She was there when he had been helped back in the next morning, covered in cuts and bruises and looking deathly ill.

            A sudden thought had struck Lily just then, and though she tried to dismiss it, a heavy feeling settled in her stomach that she couldn't shake. It was ridiculous, but…what if…what if James was out there…with Remus? What if James knew about Remus as well? Surely he must have by now, her logical side reasoned. She knew that James was brilliant, and if he had roomed with Remus for six years, there had to have been signs he would have picked up on. She thought about what Sirius had said that night at James's home, the words echoing around her head: _You have no idea all that he is! How noble and brave and passionate! How much he would risk and lose, just for the happiness of those he cares about, even if it's only fleeting or temporary!_

            He was out there, she realized. They all were. Sirius and maybe even Peter too. It was so dangerous. They could be hurt, or infected, or even…Lily refused to think about any of them dying. The thought was just too hard to take, even if she didn't consider any of them a friend, and even if a small part of her hoped one of them might get hurt so it would teach them to stop acting like idiots.

            Fear and anger washed through her in waves throughout the night, keeping her vigilant, though close to dawn, sleep won out. She pushed away the hand that tried to rouse her not even an hour later, but when she realized it was James, all thoughts of sleep fled her mind.

            "What are you doing out here?" he asked. She noted the dark circles under his eyes, the dirt on his robes, the smell of the forest that hung around him.

            "What am I doing out here?" she repeated, her voice shaking in a dangerously low whisper. What little defenses she had left to keep her anger in check snapped. "What am _I_ doing out here?! Of all of the selfish, mean, terrible things to do to someone! I'm out here because you _asked_ me to be out here! At eight o'clock last night! Or don't you remember? Only, you never showed up! Not just on time, but you didn't show up at all, leaving me here to sit and wonder where in the world you must be! Like in the Forbidden Forest, with your friends, in a horribly dangerous situation, possibly hurt or even dea…"

            She couldn't finish that sentence and she looked away. "I meant eight o'clock this morning," he said softly in a pained voice. "I didn't think you'd notice if I…wasn't here last night. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

            "Well you did," she said, the overwhelming anger no where near dissipated. "You're so stupid! You're so incredibly stupid and selfish and do you even realize what you're risking!? Did it even cross your mind what would happen to you if something went wrong, or are you so arrogant that you thought you could handle it all on your own!? And did you!? Or is someone else besides Remus laying up in the hospital wing right now?!"

            He looked shocked. "You know…you know about Remus? For how long?"

            "Of _course_ I know about Remus. I'm not stupid, James. I figured it out in third year, but that's not the point! The point is that you being out there with him isn't _safe_!" Hot tears burned in her eyes, though she willfully held them back. She had been so worried, had let that anxiousness stir in her stomach for too long, and now that she saw he was okay, she couldn't stop her trembling.

            "Lily," he said softly, and made to take her in his arms, but she forcefully shoved him away and glared darkly at him. He sighed. "Listen, we…I wasn't in any danger. I know it's hard for you to believe, but really, I was fine. Remus…isn't a danger to me. Please trust me on this. I can't tell you why. I wish I could, but I can't, because…"

            Her jaw dropped. "Because it's not just you you're protecting. Whatever you've done, Sirius and Peter did it too. It's against the school rules, and you don't want to get in trouble. I can't believe you. I can't _believe _you!"

            "What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?" he said sharply. "Remus is like a brother to me, and for so long it was so hard to watch him be in so much pain for something that wasn't even his fault! So I found a way that we could be with him, and yes, it's against the regulations. Hell, it's against the law! But we did it, because he's my _friend_, and I don't _regret_ doing what we've done! It's not about saving myself from detention; it's about protecting my friends! It's about loyalty and it's about making someone else's suffering easier. When we're with him, he's almost himself again. What if we could find a cure through all of this? Wouldn't it be _worth_ it?"

            She couldn't look at him. It wasn't worth it, she kept telling herself. He could be dead. It wasn't worth it. "Tell me." She looked deep into his eyes. "Tell me how you do it, or I'll go straight to Dumbledore."

            He looked pained. "Please don't ask me to," he said, but her resolve had hardened. Suddenly he was the frantic looking one and not her. Her trembling stopped.

            "Tell me." He let out a frustrated sigh.

            "It's not any of your business, alright? Just keep your stuck-up nose out of it!" He stood up as though he meant to walk away, though they both knew he wouldn't. She stood up too, blessedly familiar fury dancing in her veins.

            "Tell me!" she demanded. He turned to her, their bodies both in offensive positions. His jaw tightened and he glared at her vehemently.

            "We're animangi," he said tightly. Shock filled her. She slumped back down to the couch. He wouldn't look at her. Thoughts raced through her head, about how dangerous and illegal it all was, but mostly about how brilliant he really must be. She looked up at him and didn't know what to say. "We planned it starting in third year, managed it in fifth, and have been sneaking out to see him every full moon since. Peter is a rat, Sirius is a dog, and I'm…I'm a stag."

            "You nicknames for each other…" she said. He nodded.

            "We sneak out under my Invisibility Cloak, transform and go see him. We come back the same way. We…try to be as careful as we can," he finished somewhat awkwardly.

            She didn't know what to say. He still wouldn't look at her. Her nerves were fried, and she just wanted to go to bed, but she knew classes would be starting soon. She stood up, and without saying a word, walked off to the bathroom to bathe and dress and think distracted thoughts about how James was a brilliant stag.

            When she made it down to the Great Hall, she saw James and his friends huddled together. James sat there silently while the other three all seemed to whisper angrily at once. Lily ducked her head as she walked passed and they fell silent.

            "What was that all about?" Marlene asked as she sat down with her friends. "And why is Sirius Black glaring at you like he wishes you were dead?"

            "Because he probably does," Lily said dismally.

            "What?" Marlene asked surprised.  Lily shook her head.

            "It's nothing," she said.

            "Don't tell me he's still upset you docked him points for dueling with Snape in the hall the other day," Marlene asked. Lily knew he wasn't as she had docked Snape points as well, but she nodded anyway. Marlene made a frustrated sound. "Boys are so immature."

            "I happen to find boys quite lovely thank you very much," Alice said from behind a long letter from Frank. The girls grinned.

            "Frank excluded," Marlene conceded. "Speaking of which…"

            Though conversation continued around her, Lily was quickly lost in her own thoughts. She glanced over at James, who, amidst his quarreling friends, was gazing at her. She thought of James being a stag –not some ferocious animal like a lion or a bear— but a stag, majestic and noble and strong. She thought about everything she knew about James, and knew that out of the entire animal kingdom, she would never had thought of a stag for him. But your transformed self was suppose to be your totem, a reflection of your inner spirit, and  suddenly it seemed very fitting that James was a stag. Without realizing it, a smile had come to her face.

            James turned to his friends, and she heard him as he told them she would not tell anyone. It wasn't until he had said it that she realized it was true. They had risked enough without having to deal with her knowing as well. She was called back into the conversation with Marlene, but as she saw the Marauders stand, a thought struck her mind and she stood.

            "Where are you going?" Marlene asked.

            "Head business. Just a question for James," she said. He had turned at the sound of his name, and as she turned to walk after him, saw him lingering back. He nodded at his friends to go on ahead when she walked up, though all of them gave her strange and wary looks.

            "I want to see," she said. He looked confused and then surprised. "Not here. Tonight. Just you. I want…to see what you look like."

            He looked at her for a long minute. "Alright," he said. "I'll be by around seven tonight, but…"

            "That's fine," she said, understanding that he would have to meet up with his friends. She didn't know why she had the overwhelming urge to see him transform, only that she did. It was with an anxious and distracted mind that she took notes with the rest of the day, and she didn't even begin the homework piled in front of her, merely sitting on her hands to keep them still, waiting for him to arrive.

            The portrait hole opened and he walked in. There was an awkward expectant feeling. She felt like she should say something but the only thing she could think of was to tell him that he didn't have to if he felt uncomfortable, which she didn't want to say because she didn't want to give him an easy out.

He walked up to her, and looked at her, his form just as intense as his gaze. "Are you sure you want to see this?" he asked. She nodded. He sighed.

Muttering the incantation, she watched transfixed as antlers wound their way out of his head and he fell on four proud legs, sprouting a fine coat of soft hair and his ears wiggled on the sides of his head. She wasn't even aware that she wasn't breathing until she gasped as he took a tentative step forward to meet her. Her hand reached out to him, running up the soft slope of his muzzle-like nose and her fingers flowed around his antlers, wondering at the simultaneously hard and soft texture of them, like velvet fabric wrapped around steel poles. Her hands continued to caress him, until quite suddenly he had transformed back and had stumbled away from her, one of his hands reaching up to grip at his hair and the other fisting at his side. His gaze was dark and intense.

            "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I—"

            "You didn't hurt me," he said, his voice ragged. He swallowed, his hand falling away from his hair to clench at his side opposite the other. She didn't understand why he had transformed so suddenly. "I…your touch…it's different…your mind, your _being_ is different when you're in that form. Everything, your thoughts especially, are…purer somehow, more clear and simple."

            He looked away from her. "When you want something, it consumes you in a way that's indescribable."

            She flushed a deep red to match the carpets as the meaning of his words sunk in. "Oh," was all she could manage to get out. He couldn't look at her, but she, steadily avoiding looking at him as well, did not notice.

            "I have to go now," he said, and before she knew it, she heard the portrait hole close behind him and she was once again alone, with only horribly distracting thoughts of James lingering in her mind.

**AN:** I am terribly sorry this took a week longer than I wanted to update (and if it is horribly grammatically incorrect I apologize as well). It is actually only up because I have spent between midnight and four in the morning working on it because it is the only time I really have available. The problem is that I have been working on parts that come in a bit later, so hopefully those chapters will come up a bit faster for it. I haven't forgotten about Gideon, and I am hoping to actually write out some Quidditch scenes (which are rather essential to the plot) when I get some time on Sunday. I **greatly appreciate** the **reviews** people have been sending, and though I know this chapter wasn't quite as up to par as I would like it to be, I hope you enjoyed it!


	5. You have to work with me on this

Ever since that night, he had avoided her like she was the plague. It was strange for Lily, because she was not used to James looking awkward every time she caught his gaze, that she no longer caught because he was staring at her, but because she had taken to staring at him. It was rather distracting, actually, but she wanted to apologize to him somehow, to explain that she wasn't…offended, she supposed, but she wasn't quite sure how, and she also didn't want him to get the wrong impression that she condoned his affections. It really was quite the predicament.

She nibbled on her sugar quill as she absentmindedly read over her text for the essay she was going to start writing for Charms. Charms was the only class she had never had to devote her entire attention to as it seemed to come to her in a natural way. She couldn't really explain it other than to reason that it was like eating your favorite food, knowing that the taste would explode with loveliness in your mouth, though other people might not have the same reaction or even enjoy it at all.

She thought she had heard something outside the portrait hole a few minutes ago, but after several minutes of silence she had figured whoever it was had gone on their merry way. Therefore it was quite a surprise when she heard a familiar groan of frustration before the door opened and James briskly strode in, carefully avoiding acknowledging her presence in any way. He walked over to the bookshelf, searching for a text that he obviously couldn't find.

Lily stared at his stiff back, his perfect posture, his horribly messy hair. She stared at his immaculate black robes to match his equally ink black hair, that often made him seem much more of an imposing figure than she knew him to be, though he could be rather intimidating when he chose. She watched as he searched fruitlessly amid the piles of his disarrayed books, and could practically feel his frustration at seeing her perfectly arranged ones. She watched as he heaved a heavy sigh, before turning around to face her.

She had thoughtfully glanced down at her own work, so as not to make him any more uncomfortable being there than he already was. She felt bad enough that he stayed in their wonderful common room as little as he possibly could because she also inhabited the space, though she really thought it was horrible of him to make her feel that way when it wasn't something she should be faulted for.

"Listen," he said, aggravation barely hidden. "Do y'know where my _Seeking A Golden Seeker_ book is? Only I've got tryouts in an hour and I wanted to cross reference something. It's important."

"You wouldn't be asking if it wasn't," she said, somewhat bitingly, though it hadn't been her intention to start an argument with him. She was only frustrated at the way he was treating her.

"Oh _that_'s rich," he said, rolling his eyes.

"_What_?" she asked.

He gave her the look that he had perfected, the one that said he was annoyed and bored and amused, and that she was so incredibly stupid, all at the same time. "You're actually upset I'm not giving you any attention for once, the attention you supposedly hate."

Her jaw dropped open. "You arrogant prig. You actually think that I'm upset that you've finally begun to treat me with the same disinterest you treat every other worthwhile human being that crosses your path, but you somehow deem to be so much more unimportant than you? If I'm upset about anything, I'm upset about the fact that you're acting like a twit. _As usual_."

"That's _funny_," he said. "Miss High and Mighty giving _me_ a lecture on how to treat those lowly peasants."

"High and mighty?" she said, clearly taken aback and offended.

"You heard me Evans. You think you're so much better than everyone else, when you're just a stuck-up prude that has to make sure everyone else worships you in order to feel important at all. Well, I'm _over_ you. So get over yourself."

They weren't yelling like they normally did, but spoke in dark hard voices, and there was only cold calculation where before there was a fury of flames. Tears burned in the back of her eyes, though she wasn't quite sure why his words had stung her more than usual. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black," she said, shaking her head to keep her focus. "And to think I was going to _apologize _to you for the other night, for making you feel _uncomfortable_, when it's quite obvious that _nothing_ gets through that thick skull of yours except all of the praise you get from your friends for all your stupid little tricks and _illegal_ mischief!"

"A hundred compliments don't get in my head the way your insults do! If there's one thing that I've learned through all of this, it's that you're a right—" he cut himself off.

"Say it," she demanded darkly. "Go ahead. You know you want to. I'm a _what?_ I'm a _right_ what? Priss? Cow? Stuck-up, melodramatic, self-impressed bore?!"

She couldn't stop the way she shook, but what upset her the most was the look on his face, that said he could see how much he had hurt her. He looked away. Whether it was because they were too proud or too stubborn, neither could apologize.

"Do you know where my book is?" he asked, his voice completely devoid of emotion.

"Third shelf down, fourth book over," she whispered. He strode over, picked it up, and left. She let the tears fall down her cheeks, feeling stupid for shedding them at all to begin with, and feeling relieved he had left her to do so in peace.

She went and sat back down in her comfortable chair, pulling her Arithmancy homework in front of her, knowing that it would require her full concentration and force any other thought from her mind. By the time she had finished, she had a headache and felt horribly tired, but knew she had to finish her Charms essay that night so she wouldn't get behind. She stood up and headed out the door, intending to get a pepper-up from Madam Frotney in the hospital wing. She no longer needed James's map to get around, and she wandered along the corridor near the Gryffindor tower, taking a short cut.

"James was downright evil at practice tonight," she heard a fourth year by the name of Caradoc Dearborn, who was one of the beaters on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, say. Guilt wormed its way inside Lily's stomach, but she did her best to ignore it.

"Must have gotten in a fight with Evans again. Nothing winds him up like she does," said Erik Anderson, the other beater for Gryffindor. Lily stopped in her tracks. She knew that James and she were often public with their displays, though she never meant for them to be, and it was usually because he started it, but she was curious as to what other people saw their relationship as. Even her friends often misconstrued the situation, and she was anxious to see what their opinions over their actions were, especially because they knew James in a different light than she did.

"Nah, I saw him before at dinner," Dearborn said. "Seemed fine then."

"He had to go up for a book in his room though," said Anderson, "to show that new kid Marks."

"So he went up for a book," Dearborn reasoned. "He finds the book, grabs it, and leaves. They couldn't have possibly gotten into an argument about that."

"He was up there for awhile. And besides, it's _Evans_ we're talking about."

Lily was shocked and hurt at the laughter that ensued.  Did they really see it as so one-sided?

"You're right. It's a wonder James is ever in a good mood at all, having to share the Head Room with her…"

She was both enraged and deflated. Did everyone really see her as so horrible? After all, she was the only one who had such strange views of James, what with how popular he was, and she didn't really know what the common consensus was about her beyond what her friends believed, which they could have only thought because they were in fact her friends and much more willing to overlook whatever shortcomings she may have. What if what James had always told her –from how she was too uptight and strict to how she was a prudish overachiever— was what _everyone_ believed of her? What if that's how she really _was _and she just didn't want to believe it?

With a distant mind, Lily made her way to the hospital wing and received her pepper-up. Though her headache was relieved, she was by no means feeling any better. She made her way back to the Head Room, feeling completely outraged and numb and dejected all at once. When she saw him sitting at their table, working on his homework, she was surprised to see him, and he in turn seemed surprised to see her.

It was after hours, she realized, and so he had to be there. He was looking at her in concern because she probably looked a fright, her face unable to hide the frustration and hurt she felt. She had always been rather good at disguising her emotions when she wished, but never it seemed, when he was around. Seeing his face etched with worry for her only reinforced her thoughts and suddenly she felt overwhelmingly guilty for all of the years of conflict that had passed between them. It probably _was_ all of her fault –at least most of it. Looking back, she thought about how she had chastised him over the years as though she was so much better. Guilt and anxious frustration at not knowing what to do ate away at her stomach.

"Can we talk?" she asked in a shaky voice. For a moment he was frozen and she wondered if he had heard her at all. Suddenly he seemed to snap awake and moved the papers and books sitting next to him off the loveseat.

"Sure," he said distractedly as she made her way over and sat down. It was a small sofa, and because they had turned to face one another their knees almost touched. Lily found this to be incredibly fascinating, as his legs were so much longer than hers, and she didn't know what she actually wanted to talk to him about. She wanted to ask if all these years he had really meant what he had said, but that was ridiculous. Of course he had, because she had always meant what she said, and she knew he believed in the same absolute honesty that she did.

She thought about their argument earlier. "I know I'm not," she began, trying to find the words to voice her fears. "The easiest person to work with."

"Bloody hell Evans…" he cut her off, and he shook his head, as though apologizing for the fact that phrase had come so naturally. "Lily," he said, much softer this time. "Don't apologize."

"Why shouldn't I?" she asked sharply, thinking about what those boys had said about her, about how he had been right. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so terrible. I'm sorry you have to share a room with me."

"I like the fact you're terrible," he said, a ghost of a grin on his lips, but his intense gaze telling her it was true. That look was so different than anything she could have thought him capable of, and she realized that there were actual reasons behind their classmate's belief that he was a wonderful person. But if that were true, she thought, then maybe his ability to get under her skin was in fact her own fault too. Maybe the things she didn't like about him were really things that she was just a prude about. Nobody else minded his antics and pranks, or thought he was arrogant and rude.

She knew that he had the horrible habit of showing off whenever she was around because he wanted to impress her, though he usually just upset her more, but maybe she had never looked at his actions beyond the individual event. She never thought about the fact that he didn't hate her at all, even after all of the horrible things –and she could admit that she had been horrible—that she had put _him_ through. She had always seen her actions as retaliation for his, but thinking back, there had been times when she had initiated argument and battles between them. She wondered…if maybe she liked the fact that he was terrible too.

"Your Quidditch team doesn't," she muttered distractedly, but he heard.

"Who said you were terrible?" he said darkly, and he suddenly seemed so powerful, his hazel eyes filled with a deep cold fire that he had never used with her, like he had the makings of what spun the world inside of him.

She felt stupid for saying it immediately. She wasn't a tattletale and she could deal with her own problems. The fact that he always underestimated her ability to look out for herself bothered her. "No one," she said, and they actively glared at each other for a moment, before he sighed.

"You're not terrible, at least not half as terrible as I make you out to be. I like arguing with you, Lily; it's what we do. I'm an immature prat and you harass me for it, and you're a stuck-up priss and I harass you for it. But I don't want things to be ugly. I was angry tonight, but I wasn't just angry with you. You know that, don't you?"

She thought about how he had come in frustrated and angry. She thought about how he had been fine at dinner. But then she thought about him loitering outside the portrait hole, letting his emotions build until he was ready to pounce. She nodded, even if she wasn't entirely sure she did know it hadn't just been about her. "You're still a right cow," he said seriously.

She nodded again. She said, "I want to make things better between us."

He gave her a long look. "Easier then," she protested. "We have to try to get along, and we can't just say that we will, because look how far that got us before. We've got to work together starting Monday on that Halloween feast two weeks from now."

"And what with our first match against Ravenclaw coming up and the team's no where near ready, I'm going to be stressed out," he agreed. "Our rows help to relieve that stress, but I don't want to make you cry. I didn't mean…"

She felt her cheeks flush. "It wasn't just about you either," she said, her old defense mechanisms not wanting to let him have the satisfaction of knowing he got to her. He nodded, but she got the strange impression he did not really believe her. "I'll try to be more patient and understanding."

"I'll try to be more cautious and not to get caught," he grinned.

"James," she said exasperatingly, "you have to work with me on this."

His grin dropped. "I know. It's just…we're so _good_ at it, and most of the time it isn't even intentional. It was horrible before, ignoring each other, and you being patient is just a scary thought to me. I don't want you to say that things are okay, just to be silently seething inside. I think we should just be ourselves, only…we should cut back on the insults. We should try to keep in mind that we don't do the things we do just to piss the other one off, though sometimes it can feel that way. We'll try to keep to our own business and we won't comment on each other's personal lives, even if what the other does may rub us the wrong way."

"Alright," she said. "That sounds like a good start."

He grinned. "Speaking of starting, have you started your Charms essay yet? The one about making things everlasting?"

"No," she said. "It's all I've got left actually, but I haven't finished re-reading the chapter yet."

He gave her a disbelieving look. "You re-read the chapters?" he asked.

"Of course," she said. "So I can reference it in my essay. I'm not a genius. I can't remember everything I need to use just off the top of my head. I know it shouldn't surprise me that you don't, but how in the world do you manage your top marks without it? It's infuriating I'll have you know."

He grinned widely, as though proud. He fumbled around with his papers. "You think you're jealous? Sirius has got photographic memory. He reads something once and he never forgets it. You can tell him something a thousands times and it goes in one ear and out the other, but write it down for him, and he can remember the exact wording for years. He still knows every word to all of our textbooks over all seven years. It's how he passes without ever paying attention in class. I, on the other hand, use my notes."

He pulled out a stack of paper and handed them to her. She glanced over them, to see the standard form of notation copied from the chalkboard in the main area with annotated sections all around with extra facts and intelligent commentaries and cross references. She was stunned to also see doodles where he had obviously been bored. Her notes were nothing more than the standard form because she barely had time to copy all of that down before the teacher decided to move on.

"How in the world do you have time to _write_ all of this?" she asked, desperately confused and envious.

"I use a CopyQuill for the main notes. It takes down whatever's on the chalkboard and what the professor says, and I write in the columns what I know from other sources, or just what I think about it. Sirius and I usually sit next to each other, so I copy parts of his notes about the book and he copies mine…unless of course we get bored and start writing notes to each other," he said bashfully, quickly using his wand to erase some comments that she noticed had her name and the word 'stare' in it. 

"My essay is pretty much written for me from there. Except of course," he said, turning to the last page, where it was cut off, "when I run out of ink. I was wondering if I could copy the last of your notes?"

"Sure," she said, rummaging through the notes and papers she had left out before she went for her pepper-up. She wondered why he hadn't asked Sirius, but she didn't press it. "If you tell me where you got those quills."

"Oh, those? You can find them in Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop in Hogsmeade. They are a couple galleons more, obviously, but they're worth it," he said, reading through her notes as he spoke.

"Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop? I've never been in there. Where is it?" He looked up from his notes and was silent for a long minute.

"It's off High Street. We could meet up in Hogsmeade and I could show you," he suggested, and she was very sure he was inadvertently asking for a date.

"I don't know…" she said, unwilling to break the congeniality they had just only begun.

"Or I could take you before. If you'd trust me to," he said quickly, making her stomach fold into funny knots.

"What do you mean you could take me before? I'm not going to sneak out of the castle and go to Hogsmeade with you just for a new quill, however helpful it might be. I don't want to be _expelled_," she said.

"What about for some butterbeer, Honeyduke's chocolate, fireworks from Zonko's _and_ a CopyQuill?" he asked. Her jaw dropped.

"Just how often do you go?" she exclaimed, completely shocked at what he would risk for temporary pleasures.

"The four of us head there during full moon sometimes, but when we first learned to transform we went all the time. The whole effect of the place really wears off after awhile, but there are still errands one must run on occasion when one gets low on supplies, and you should see the town at night when no one's out and everything is awash with the colors of night. It's a whole different place," he said.

"Maybe when I'm older I'll go," she said dismissively.

"Prude," he said under his breath, but she heard it.

"You know, not everyone feels the need to take the idiotic risks you think are so cool all of the time. Those of us who actually work hard for what we have may appreciate it a bit more, and may not want to risk losing it at every given opportunity," she said. He gave her a long look that she didn't know how to read.

"You work hard because you want to?" he said, and she was immediately surprised, having not expected that question at all. "It just seemed to me that you always worked hard because you wanted to prove to everyone that you could do it. I remember when you first came here, and you struggled so hard with learning the way things work in the magic world. I guess I just always assumed you did it to prove to other people you could, not for yourself."

Of course I work hard for myself, she wanted to say. But she couldn't. He was right of course. She worked hard for her parents, and for her sister, and for all of those people that told her to go back home when she didn't get things right. She worked hard to be perfect, to know this world better than her own, so that they could never tell her she didn't belong right where she was…even though she still felt like that sometimes. She couldn't stand his gaze.

"You should come with me," he said. "We'll go tonight. We'll be back before midnight, and no one will know—"

"No," she said sharply. "_I_ would know, and anyway, I have an essay to write."

She turned back to her paper, not really looking at it at all. "Fine," he said, turning back to his own paperwork.

Of course he finished his essay and the rest of his homework before her, and of course he left for bed without saying a word. She looked at his closed door for a long while after he had left, thinking that for a truce, he still managed to find his way under her skin, deep inside her stomach where all of her worries and fears hid. She wondered if it would ever go away. She thought about his dark, intense gaze, and rather thought it would make her feel that way forever.

**AN: **Before anyone asks,yes, Scrivenshaft's is in Hogsmeade off High Street, according to page 348 of Book 5. Man I need sleep.****I think that it's rather obvious I like a slow-building relationship with Lily and James, where they actually have to work at themselves like the rest of us do. I think that their changing is more gradual, and that even though they do change, they still retain parts of themselves that the other found attractive to begin with. Don't worry, you will be rewarded within the next couple chapters for your patience, I promise!

Also, my story has been kindly nominated in the Twisted Colours Contest under Best Romance (Conventional Pairing), for which I am terribly honored, and which can be found, minus the spacing, at:

www . geocites . com / twistedcolours

**Reviews are greatly appreciated**!


	6. What strange look?

She glared at him balefully. He was lying on the couch across from her, upside down, his legs thrown over the back; his glasses hanging askew and his wild hair dangling near the floor.

"I'm serious," he said.

She scoffed a clearly disbelieving sound.

"I get all of my best ideas this way," he protested.

She shook her head. "I want this feast to be _good_ James. I want everything to go off without a hitch. I know you've been busy with Quidditch practice, so don't promise that you can figure out how to do this, when we both know that you just don't have the time."

"I made a commitment, Lily, and I take my commitments seriously," he said, his upside down furrowed brow looking much less serious and much more amusing than he probably would have intended.

She sighed dramatically. "The point isn't whether you're committed, it's whether or not there are enough hours in the day. You have Quidditch practice every evening until your match, and the Halloween feast is the Friday before. I don't want you to get overworked with everything."

He grinned that maddening sardonic grin of his, that looked rather strange upside down, and if possible, in Lily's opinion anyway, worse than it normally did right side up. "This isn't too much pressure. This is barely anything. It's like you said, there's a week between the two. I've got plenty of time to get everything together. I have practice scheduled for every night until the match, and I can work with you on the feast afterwards."

"What about your homework?" she asked. He waved his hand dismissively.

"That never takes me long." She glowered at him. Homework was always her biggest priority when it came to school. It was how she maintained such good grades and high standing. She wouldn't be surprised if it didn't even make the top ten on his list. She didn't want to be jealous. She wanted to be a genius. But she wasn't, and he was always so casual about it when for her it wasn't something she could take lightly like he could.

He seemed to see her frustration, and turned right side up again. "I'm serious, Lily. Everything will work out perfectly. I promise."

And for some indefinable reason, she trusted him.

* * *

Lily glanced around the room, as everyone ate and talked loudly, the spirit of Halloween lacing their temperaments. She glanced over at James, the nervousness she felt making her unable to eat anything. She had not told anyone what they had planned, and so she tried to brush it off when they asked her if she was feeling alright.

"It isn't poison?" Marlene had asked jokingly, but when she saw the furtive glances in James's direction during the course of the feast, she leaned in close and whispered, "What's the wanker done now?"

Lily remained animate that nothing was wrong, and, taking her lead from James, piled food on her plate and tried to force it down, though it seemed impossible and settled like lead weight.

And then the room went completely black. The merriment was gone and hushed whispers about what was going on fled through the room. A deep, dark laugh filled the room, and the jack-o-lanterns hanging overheard suddenly flickered with life, and raced down toward students below. Several girls screamed, and many looked on in fright at the pumpkin that floated in front of them, a perfect carving of themselves.

"Trick or Treat?" they whispered, and for a long moment, Lily was afraid no one would understand the Muggle phrase.

Suddenly, though, she began to here a witch or wizard cry out the word "Treat!" and the delighted sound of joy they made when Honeyduke's finest came spewing forth from the mouth of the pumpkin. Others watched as several at the Slytherin table called out "Trick!", and the pumpkins spewed forth their innards, sliding down the front of surprised faces and once pristine robes. After several moments of sitting in orange gushy goo, strands and seeds, the pumpkins would once again spew something forth, causing many to flinch, only to find their robes clean, and a Zonko's product sliding into their hands.

It wasn't long before the Great Hall was filled with a chorus of shouts from delighted students, until every pumpkin had been answered. Suddenly the pumpkins flew again to the ceiling, spinning faster and faster around until they became a giant blur, leaving in it's stead the largest pumpkin any of them had ever seen.

The lights of the smaller pumpkins gone, the deviant face and darkness of the room once again brought about a chilling atmosphere that flew down the spine. The pumpkin's evil laugh echoed around the silent Hall, every occupant focused on the face.

"Trick," came the deep below, "or Treat?" it called out.

For a moment, the question hung in the air, before the room exploded with the voices of excitement that called out their requests. In a bright flash, and an equally loud **BOOM**, the room seemed to ignite with color, exploding and raining down in an array of fireworks and pumpkin pieces, with bats screeching and flying off into the night, and candy spilling to the tables and eager students below.

Cheers erupted, and the candles overhead were once again lit. Around her, Lily listened to the delighted sounds of her fellow classmates. She listened as Dumbledore announced the production had been a surprise from the Head Boy and Girl, to which more exuberant cheers were added in appreciation and thanks, but Lily could barely hear any of it.

As soon as the light had come back up, she had sought James with her eyes, only to see that he was fleeing the room, and his group, arms filled with tricks and treats, were several steps ahead of them.

Lily shot up from her seat, and began to race after him, unable to care at the moment what everyone else might think of her behavior. Few noticed, as so many were still abuzz with delight and surprise.

"James!" she called out as she reached the exit to the Hall, and she saw him about to turn the corner. He stopped and looked at her strangely, before motioning for his comrades to move on without him.

She met him halfway.

"Oh James," she said, so incredibly happy at seeing everything come together exactly how she saw it in her head. Her hands reached out and slid into his without even realizing it, squeezing warmly. "It was _perfect._"

__She expected him to grin jubilantly, and agree enthusiastically, not look at her in a calm fashion that seemed to say, well of _course_ it was. He tilted his head to the side in that strange appraising way of his that he had picked up from Sirius, his hazel eyes deep and intense and incomprehensible. She began to feel awkward from the complete openness of that look, like she was suddenly the only the thing that existed, the only thing that mattered. She felt warm, and almost pleased by the feeling. If anything, she always felt important to him. She couldn't hold that look, and pulled her hands away, tucking her hair behind her ears to try to excuse the movement unconsciously.

"_Thank_ you," she said firmly, and for another long moment he just stared at her in that all-consuming way.

Then he shrugged and looked away from her. "It wasn't a big deal. I told you I would get it done."

His eyes scanned the crowd through the open Hall doors for a moment before settling back on her surprised face. "What?"

"I, well, it just seems that…" she sighed, frustrated that he was making her explain. "That was just a very strange reaction from you. That's all. I wasn't expecting you to act so…casual I guess, about it. It means so much to me that I thought…"

"You thought making you happy would make me happy because I like you?" he said, his voice rather bland. She blushed. It sounded so conceited on her part when he said it like that.

"I suppose," she nodded, though her brow still furrowed in frustration.

"The initial problem with wanting someone to like you is that you'd do anything to have them see you, even (and usually) things that you wouldn't normally do, that aren't a real reflection of your character. Then, when they actually _do_ see you, what they see you as isn't who you really are, because you aren't the kind of person who likes to do flashy, attention-grabbing things, but more subtle, personalized things."

She did not know what to say. Thoughts raced through her mind about how she knew James, about all their years together, especially during the first ones, when they did not know each other. She was a girl and he was a boy and the opposite sex is not nearly as interesting at eleven as it is at seventeen. She had not thought him arrogant then, but she had not known him then either. If that was true, though, then could she really say she knew him now? What if what she saw him as was only what he had wanted her to see and not who he really was?

She wondered. "James…do you still _like_ me?"

He seemed startled by the question, though he gave no outward appearance of it. She could see it in his eyes, the way he wanted to try avoid it and pass it off casually. He couldn't lie after all, not to her, never her, when they were always so brutally honest.

"I told myself to get over you," he said with his soft grimaced grin, "but when do I ever listen?"

She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what she should be feeling. Did he make the night so incredible because it was an obligation like everything else he did so brilliantly, or did he make it incredible because he liked her? She couldn't figure out which one would hurt her more. Why couldn't he ever do something just because he wanted to? Why couldn't what he wanted ever just make her happy?

"It's not a big deal. Really. Don't worry about it. Go have fun with your friends. Everybody's waiting to congratulate you on such a great surprise. Go," he said, smiling and gently pushing her towards her friends.

With one last look over her shoulder, she left.

* * *

Lily concentrated on practicing transfiguring her teacup into a turtle, but it was much harder to transform something inanimate into something animate than it was to do the reverse. So far, her turtle was complete, but it still had hints of the teacup's pink flower pattern on its shell instead of a normal green geometric one.

Marlene made a disgruntled sound and Lily looked over at her. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"He's taken to looking at you again," Marlene grumbled. She did not have to ask whom Marlene meant. "Honestly," Marlene continued, glaring darkly across the room, "Can't he take a hint? I thought he had finally given up and it was such a relief, but now he's right back at it. I should talk to him."

"Oh, it's alright. We're friends now," Lily said distractedly as her turtle attempted to make a break for it, fell to the floor and smashed into pieces. "_Finite incantum_."

The broken turtle turned back into a broken teacup. "_Reparo_," she said, and the cup fixed itself. Lily picked it up and placed it back on the table in front of her, ready to attempt another try, when she caught Marlene's look.

"What?" Lily asked.

"You just announced that you, _you_ and _James Potter_ are…_friends_." The words came out of Marlene's mouth as though they were vile thoughts she would rather not voice. "It's not possible for Potter to _ever _see you as a friend."

"Well, not really friends," Lily reasoned, "but we came to a truce of sorts. We had to, since we share the Head Room, and what with having to work together on the feast. It's actually been rather pleasant, and he's been dead helpful. I really—what?"

The look on Marlene's face was one of someone who had swallowed a toad. "I just can't believe…I mean, I always thought that you…"

"Oh it's not like _that_. We still argue of course, but we're just a bit more respectful about it now. It's rather nice to know that I can say something without having to worry that it's going to turn into some big performance like it has in the past. Without the name-calling, well," Lily said, as though unsure if she should divulge this secret, "It's almost…fun, our banter, and I-I like the fact that he can keep up with me. It's almost like a little challenge, with the way that we're still honest."

"I can't believe you Lily," Marlene said concerned. "You're making it sound as though Potter is somehow acting mature, when everyone knows he's just a juvenile delinquent that will do anything to get what he wants."

"That's not…" Lily almost began. Marlene looked shocked.

"Don't tell me you're _defending_ his actions now. Maybe living with him has given him time to distract you from how he really is, Lily, but _wake up_," Marlene said sharply.

Lily glanced over at James. He was laughing about something with Sirius. She thought about what he had said the night of the feast and she thought about James Potter in that distracted way that she used to, when all she did was feel and then tried to decide what those feelings meant.

A warm and calm fury settled into her veins, comfortable and familiar. He was still a prat, to be sure, but the reasons she believed it had changed. He was still arrogant, but not in the way she had thought. He didn't honestly believe he was so great, he just heard it all of the time, and it was just expected that he would perform, so he did and knew he could because he didn't know how _not_ to. It was how he was raised, and she felt a slight kinship with that, knowing that who _she_ was was a result of the expectations of those she loved and admired.

He had grown out of most of the immaturity he was prone to, though there were parts of it that she realized really weren't a phase. He loved anything that was dangerous, but that didn't mean he was reckless like she had thought. He was cautious and he knew the risks; he just took them anyway. He was fierce and loyal, powerful and calm. She could give him a look that could make him yell, but a thousand insults from an enemy would brush off his shoulders just as easily. He had taught her that the important thing wasn't listening to what people you didn't care for thought, but really hearing the ones you did.

It used to upset her that he didn't have to work as hard because he was smart, but she began to understand that maybe it wasn't really true. Because he was smart, people expected more of him, and it wasn't that he didn't appreciate what he had, only that he appreciated what he did for himself and not others. Their priorities were different, but she understood how if she was in his position, she could have been just the same.

It was hard to see him as she once had. So much of what was wrong with him before didn't really seem wrong now. Granted, he _had _stopped picking fights and quit most of his stupid pranks, but it wasn't that he had changed himself, so much as he had changed the way she saw him.

She had never really hated him before, but now, she realized, a blush coming to her face, that she didn't really _not_ like him either. He was rather…charming, and his qualities in this new light were almost…endearing. He had always had redeeming qualities, and now suddenly he had very few things to redeem himself for. She glanced over at him. He glanced over at her. She turned away, fighting down a blush, and wondering why she would be blushing at all. The classroom was probably stuffy, she reasoned. She did not look in his direction for the rest of class.

* * *

She hadn't meant to watch him. She hadn't meant to see. But she had, and now it wouldn't leave her mind. She had been leaving Charms, the last student out after talking to Professor Flitwick about class, having been the only one to master their assignment. She had been exuberant, until she saw him. He was standing, looking oh-so-casual in that debonair way of his that made her skin tingle, and he was talking rather nonchalantly to Emmeline Vance, indisputably the most beautiful girl in their year, her bloodline laced with Veela and Esperanté. Lily suddenly felt all of the air leave her lungs, and the bounce in her step was gone. He caught her gaze for a moment, and seemed to falter in his line, but then Emmeline was laughing, a joyful sound of tinkling bells that was entrancing.

Lily looked down at the carpet, hugged her books closer to her chest and quickly walked away. She heard him try to excuse himself to follow her, but Emmeline engaged him again, and Lily was glad he was stuck. She wondered if he had been waiting for her, but immediately told herself it didn't matter. She knew the ache in her chest was jealously, and she realized that it was because she had somehow subconsciously expected that his attentions actually meant something. She had believed it was only for her. It wasn't that he couldn't like anyone else, only that she had always supposed that he was genuine in his pursuit. It was good he was moving on, she decided, but it just felt like he was somehow rejecting her too, like she was dented or broken or too imperfect for his perfect little world. She hated that it made her feel little and like nothing very special, but most of all, she hated that it made her feel anything at all.

* * *

She was staring at him again. She didn't know why, only that he was much more handsome than she had ever really given him credit for, once his face was not contorted in anger or frustration or guilt. Her eyes lingered on his hair. She didn't want them to, but they did, because secretly, very _very_ secretly and she would never admit it aloud to anyone ever, she rather loved his messy hair. She loved the way it stuck out at odd angles and never seemed tamed, and how there was one little ringlet mixed in the hair on the back of his head that no one else probably knew about. She wanted to run her fingers through it. The only problem, of course, was that it was attached to _his_ head. If it had been anyone else, she would not chastise herself immediately for thinking such thoughts.

"What's wrong?" he said, not even looking up from the book he was reading. She looked like a child caught trying to steal a cookie. At the thought that looking at him had just been equated to a treat, she shook herself mentally and glared at his casual form. As if he didn't know how much of a distraction he had been lately. Trying to act like he was completely wonderful when he really wasn't. He turned the page.

"There's nothing wrong," she said shortly. He pulled his eyes away from his book as if he had been actually reading it. She scoffed mentally at his performance.

"Then why have you been burning a hole in my head with that strange look of yours all evening?" he asked blandly.

"What strange look?" she asked indignant.

"Like you can't figure out which one of my limbs to chop off first to use in a stew. Did I do something?"

"Yes," she said automatically, immediately regretting it. She should have dropped it there. She should have told him to mind his own business. She should have told him it had nothing to do with him. But she hadn't, because technically it was all his fault she was having such a hard time focusing on anything other than him. It was his fault because she felt rather sure he _must _be somehow tricking her into believing he was different than she thought.

Ever since he had said what he had said on Halloween about how he still cared about her. She couldn't figure out _why_. Why he cared, why he still cared, why he couldn't just say it like a normal human being, and why she couldn't deal with it herself like a normal human being. It was frustrating, and it was all his fault. If only he hadn't said anything, if only he didn't…that was the moment she once again chose to put her foot in her mouth.

"You shouldn't care about me like that!" she declared.

"Why? And think carefully before you answer that Evans, because I guarantee that I've given this much more thought than you," he said, his form suddenly serious, his voice hard.

She stopped, taken slightly aback. She had never thought it possible that James didn't _want_ to like her. "What is that suppose to mean?" she asked, unsure if he was implying that she was somehow not worthy of his affections.

"I've been telling myself for years to get over you. I'd like to believe that I'm not _really_ so stupid as to keep going after a girl who can't stand the sight of me." He shook his head and looked away from her. "When we were eleven, it was easy to say I couldn't be in love with you because we were just kids. What do kids know about real love? But it didn't go away.

So we were thirteen and I couldn't get you out of my head. I'd dye your ponytail green and convince myself that we were too different. You were this tiny, mature, Muggleborn. What in the world could we have in common? But we had everything important in common and I couldn't wait until I could shout it in your face just like everything else, but I was only fifteen, and at fifteen I was suppose to hang out with my friends playing pranks and having fun, not falling in love.

So fifteen passed, and somewhere along the way lust settled in and I can't even find myself attracted to anyone that isn't you anymore, which is rather frustrating when a beautiful girl asks you to kiss her and you can't because you'd be thinking about someone else entirely through the whole thing. Sixteen came and it was harder because I was running out of excuses and it wasn't as easy to brush off. I realized that there was no way to get over you really, and that there was no way that you'd ever see who I really was when you had formed all these preconceptions based off of who I was when I had convinced myself I couldn't possibly love you and acted like a total prat.

So at sixteen I gave up and told myself that if who I am isn't enough then it isn't enough, but you started dating Gideon, and he was so much less than you need to make you happy. I can't just get over you. I can't just stop caring about you the way I do. I want to be with you, and if you don't want that, then I think it's rather obvious by now that there's nothing more that I can do. But at least I'm honest about it. At least I don't tell myself that it's not love, that I'm not attracted to you, that you aren't brilliant and wonderful, and that you don't spin my world. You make me laugh and you make me yell and you make me feel alive, and maybe I do that to you too, but maybe I don't, and that's alright, but at least I know that's what you make me feel and I don't pretend to feel other than what I am."

"I don't _pretend_, either!" She cried, so completely furious at what he was implying. His eyes sparked with hers and electricity flew between them.

"Then what _do_ you feel about me, Lily?" he shot at her.

"What?" she whispered distractedly. They both knew she had heard what he had said.

"I want you to tell me exactly how you feel about me," he spelled out, his strong clear gaze overpowering her. She suddenly felt extremely small and drained of energy. She shifted uncomfortably and averted her gaze. He made a disgusted sound.

"Don't tell me for once you want to _spare_ my feelings," he said bitingly.

She didn't know how she felt, she told herself, which was a lie as she knew some things perfectly well because they had never changed. "What do you want me to say?" she asked, still looking at the carpet.

"What we always say," he said sharply. "The truth."

She felt cold and hot at the same time and wondered distractedly if maybe she was coming down with a fever. "I…you make me feel angry," she said, because that felt like a beginning, and then suddenly she couldn't help the words flowing from her mouth, as though they had been waiting for him to listen for years. "You make me angry like nothing else. You get under my skin so deep I feel like I'll never get you out. Sometimes, when we fight and we really mean it, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. It hurts so much…but lately, it's been different, and when we keep it in our control, it feels like a symphony. You're so passionate and you're so brilliant, and I've always been jealous of you for that. It's just that everything I want comes so easy to you and you don't want it. It makes me feel like what I want isn't good enough for you and your perfect life. I know it isn't fair to think about it like that, but I do."

There was a long silence, where she kept thinking she was supposed to keep going, but she couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I don't believe it," he whispered. She finally looked up at him, to see him in a portrait of total agony. He looked the same as he did on the train, with his hands gripping his hair, his head bent over his knees. She stood up and walked over to him, unsure of what was happening. Her hand reached out, but hovered just inches from him, so afraid of what would happen if she touched him.

"I don't believe it," he said in a clear, strangled voice. "…All this time, I've been so jealous of _you_. You work so hard because you have something to work for, something you believe in. You're so intense and so sure about your life. I've always admired that about you…I don't know why I thought it didn't hurt you like it hurt me. I was such an idiot."

Her hand shook and it was then she realized she was trembling. "Oh," she whispered. He looked up, surprised she was so close. His gaze was strong and filled the deep pit of her stomach with a heat she had only ever felt when they were fighting with everything they had. His warm hand came up and slid against hers, entwining his steady fingers in her shaking ones, and she felt as he squeezed ever so slightly and a tremor flew down her spine.

He stood up, their hands still held between them. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "And I'm glad."

"Why are you glad?" she whispered, his eyes so dangerously stormy gray. Why were they whispering? Why weren't they yelling?

"Because for the first time I feel like you're seeing me," he said. How had they gotten so close? How had it gotten so warm?

"Maybe I am," she whispered, because she did not need to speak any louder for him to hear her. His eyes were watching her lips, but flashed up to her eyes when she finished, and she suddenly thought that maybe she did know what that look –that deep, intense, hypnotizing look– meant, only she had never wanted to see it. She closed her eyes, and felt fire in her veins, careening dangerously around her treacherous body that did not find anything wrong in holding his hands and thinking about how he was the most mesmerizing person she had ever known.

She felt as his forehead rested against hers, felt his nose softly caress and slide against hers, felt his hot breath whisper nonsense words against her cheeks about how beautiful she was. She didn't think she had ever felt so alive, so real before. Just his nearness was causing every cell in her body to expand and contract of their own accord in a symphony of pulsing that she knew she couldn't control, causing her blood to race and her heart to melt away in her chest.

A sudden crash startled them apart, and suddenly the portrait hole opened, the three other Marauders stumbling into a heap at the entrance.

"Ha!" Came Sirius's cry from the bottom of the pile. "Two months and a day!"

James sighed loudly, and dragged himself over to help his friends stand. "You know we'll just change the password again," James said.

"Really Prongs, you of all people should understand that it's the principle of the thing," Sirius explained as he brushed himself off.

"I do, it's just a hassle to have to change it constantly because I know how hard you're going to try to get in," James said tiredly, glancing back distractedly at her, a half question still in his gaze.

"Oh be reasonable, old boy. Don't tell me that being shackled up here in this lavish little place with Evans here has killed your better sense of judgment, and more importantly, humor," Sirius said, and the other boys gave a wave in goodbye before ducking out. "Oy, wait up you two!"

Lily couldn't help the slight shock and hurt at the subtle sting directed at her. She never would have thought that his friends would tell him that she was poisoning him the same way hers said he was poisoning her. Maybe they were poisoning each other, she thought idly, the thought quite evil and almost amusing at the same time.

"He didn't know what he was talking about," James said suddenly. "He's just sore and –"

"You don't have to defend him to me you know," she said, looking away. So his best friend hated her. What did she care?

"I wasn't trying to defend him," he said softly.

"Then what James? Trying to explain that everyone thinks that I'm so much of a stuck in the mud that I might drag you down with me if you're in my presence too long?"

"No," he said sharply. "I was trying to explain that I don't care what other people think about you, that the only thing that matters to me –and listen clearly because it's taken six years to be able to say it— that the only thing that matters to me is that who you are, from the girl who has all these perfect morals and standards only she can live up to, to the girl who loves grass-flavored Bertie Bott's beans for no real logical reason other than she does, is the most important thing in my life and that this is love, because I can't conceive of anything more consuming, of anything that could leave me feeling so tranquil and torn apart at the same time, of anything that could make me feel so incredibly awkward and nervous and heart wrenchingly angry all of the time because I know it doesn't actually _matter at all_ if I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you_._"

"Why do you keep doing this?" she asked desperately, her eyes lost in the gold flecks of fire in his eyes. She couldn't stop opening doors she wasn't suppose to open.

"Because I'm a sadist!" he shot back.

"Well _stop_ it!" she demanded hotly, loosing her self-control, and he could see it. He was trying to push her back there, and she was half desperate not to go.

"_No_!" he cried, their sparks igniting the flames between them once more, the fire spreading too quickly, too fast. He was standing too close to her again. She growled an aggravated noise.

"Fine!" she declared shrilly, and she could see the power in his eyes. She was loosing. She was loosing herself to him.

"_Fine_!" he mocked, making the next move hers, knowing she had nothing. She turned around and ran to her room, slamming the door as loud and hard as she physically could in her trembling state. She flung herself onto her bed, burying herself in the familiar comforts of her soft pillows and blankets.

She didn't know why she was crying, why she was crying over _him. _Her heart seemed to have swollen to an abnormally painful size in her chest. Why did he always have to get passed her defenses? He drove her relentlessly. He knew that if he gave her space he'd be giving her too much control of the situation, so he cut her off and forced her to hear him, forced her to see him, forced her to want him. She shook her head, dark red hair flying around her and scattering her tears.

She couldn't get him out. She could never get him out. He was always there, burning just beneath her skin, making her mind crawl, making her stomach clench, making her heart ache. She heard him outside her door. She heard him trying to get in. She heard him trying to apologize, but she didn't want to hear how sorry he was, because she knew he wasn't. Not really, anyway, and she was rather certain she wasn't sorry either.

**AN: review if you love cookies! **

Okay, that was pretty shameless, but what can I say, I'm a whore for reviews. I love them. And this chapter took so much _time_ to write, for which I apologize, because it is still a little disjointed and didn't get to some stuff I had wanted to, but it's already been three weeks, so this is it. Next chapter, I promise more Sirius, more Lily/James, and Quidditch!

**PS.** Arg. People who have been commenting that I need separations between sections, well, I HAD them, only I write in html format, and ffn erased it. So it is now fixed, hopefully. Sorry about that!


	7. You don't have to

**Warning**: Some profanity in this chapter, but it is all in good fun, and if you went through public school, I'm sure you've heard it before. Still, if this sort of thing really offends you, you can skip ahead to the next section (denoted by a line), though you miss some sappy fluff!

"Why are you writing that essay now?"

She looked up into his curious eyes.

"Maybe because it's due tomorrow?" she said. "Some of us like to get it done the day _before_ instead of the day of."

They grinned at one another. "Ha ha," he said sarcastically. "Just for that, I won't tell you it's not due until Friday."

She looked at him, as though trying to gauge his seriousness. "It is not. It's due tomorrow."

"Friday," he said, lazily tossing himself in the chair next to her. She sat up.

"Don't joke about that," she said. He looked over at her.

"You don't see me doing it, do you?" She glanced over his relaxed form. He was much more fit tan she had given him credit for, though she supposed Quidditch and running around with a werewolf demanded his great shape. She tore her eyes away from the sculpt of his body, wondering why she had to suddenly notice these things now. It wasn't that she had never noticed how attractive he was before, only she had never really given him the full credit for it that he deserved.

"That's hardly support for your claim," she said, turning back to the essay. A year ago, she might have thought he was trying to trick her somehow to lower her grades or some other foolishness, but now the thought didn't even cross her mind.

"True," he said with a laugh. "But I _bet_ you I'm right."

She finished writing her sentence before looking back up to him. He was completely serious. "You want to bet?"

"Sure," he said, and then grinned that warm grin of his that made her stomach turn into knots. She hated that grin. "Unless of course Miss Perfect doesn't do something as miscreant as betting?"

She glared at him. "So what are the stakes then?"

"Dunno. What do you want if you win?" he asked.

"Your CopyQuill for the rest of the term," she said.

"That was quick," he laughed, "but alright. And if you lose…you have to let me teach you how to curse."

"_What?_" He laughed at the look on her face.

"Since I'm rather sure that you're incapable of using any form of vulgarity, with a few tame exceptions inspired by my presence, I rather think that it should be in your vocabulary in case of need one day."

"You just want to hear me curse because you think it would be funny," she glared at him. He laughed.

"Well that too." His eyes caught hers, warm and distracting, making her feel hazy. She looked back at her paper. She couldn't think when he was looking at her like that.

"All right," she agreed. She got out her planner and rummaged through the pages, until she found 3rd November. Several notes were marked there, none of them regarding the essay. She frowned and flipped forward, page by page, until she came to Friday. "Quidditch Match Against Ravenclaw!" was written, and there, just beneath the exclamation, was a note that their Potions essay was also to be turned in that morning.

She glowered at the page. She glowered up at his smiling face. "Darn it," she said. He laughed joyously.

"Now that won't do at all," he said, scrambling up from his chair, and pulling her papers away from her, settled down beside her. He straightened his back, cleared his throat very properly, and said in a particularly dignified voice, "Now repeat after me: damn it."

She continued to glare at him, but complied. "Damn it."

"Very good," he said, the wicked grin on his face seemed to be plastered there, and though she tried to stop it, her own smile seemed to be sneaking on her face. "Bloody hell. I can't be arsed over your pratfall. This bollocks coming from such a twat is pure shite, so bugger off!"

"James!" she cried, but couldn't help the laugh that bubbled from her.

"Yes?" he said.

"You're absolutely horrible." If anything, he grinned wider.

"And you're stalling. Get on with it." She glared over at him, before sitting up as prim and proper as she could, and blushing a deep crimson red, repeated the phrase. He laughed through the entire thing.

"Stop it!" She declared. "Stop laughing. It's not funny."

"So tell me to go sod off then," he said.

"_No!_" she said firmly. He couldn't stop laughing at her face.

"Fuckin' hell, you're so beautiful when you're blushing," he said, causing her to blush a deeper color.

"Git," she muttered, though he caught it.

"Better," he said. "But still too affectionate. Right then. Last one, you have to say 'f-"

"No!" she cut him off, her face unable to blush any darker. He laughed at her. "I'm glad you find this so amusing," she said, but his laughter was so full and warm, that now it was causing her to laugh as well. She couldn't believe what she had said.

"I find this horribly amusing," he said. "But you still have to say it. It's part of the bet you lost after all. Shouldn't gamble if you can't pay up."

She glared over at him through her smile. "Had to learn that one the hard way James? Well all right then, I'll do it."

He stopped his laughter, poised on his seat, eyes anxious. "Fiddlesticks."

"What?" he said, and, realizing she had tricked him, glared over at her delighted form. "That's not fair," he said, looking scandalized.

"Well it's the best you're going to get," she declared laughing. "My mother would be washing my mouth out with soap if she were here right now."

"Muggles really _do_ that? Remus and Sirius and I read about it in Muggle Studies a few years back, but we didn't actually think they _still_ did it. We figured it was some Medieval practice, like burning witches and whatnot," James looked aghast, causing Lily to laugh.

"Leave it up to you to find some Muggle torture and try to then try to use it on Snape," she teased. His face became serious.

"That was a long time ago," he said, making her feel guilty for bringing it up at all. She tried to lighten the mood once more.

"Well, what would _your_ mother do then? You can't honestly expect me to believe you talk like that in front of her," she said. James grinned as though he would, but she knew better. She had seen him with his mum. He seemed to remember this, and for a minute gave the question polite consideration.

"Actually, she'd probably think I was possessed and try to expel a demon from me," he said, and they laughed. "I meant it, you know. You're beautiful when you're blushing. I reckon it's the first time I've been the cause of it for a reason other than you're brassed off at me."

"I _am_ brassed off at you!" she said, red and warm and feeling as though her whole body was blushing in front of him. "You've turned me into a vulgar…wench!"

He laughed, his warm hazel eyes entrancing her. "Well at least I can't rightfully call you a prude anymore," he said.

"I'm sure that won't stop you," she said, smiling. She yawned, covering her mouth. She glanced down at her Transfiguration book. She still had a chapter to read, but it was already past eleven and her eyes were getting heavy.

"Read it yet?" he asked softly. She shook her head.

"I'm too tired tonight though. Maybe I'll just get up early tomorrow and read it before breakfast," she said, as though dreading the idea.

"That sounds painful," he remarked, and though she glared at him, a part of her agreed.

"I want to remember it though, and I won't if I can barely focus on the words," she said, rubbing her eyes. He stretched over and grabbed the book.

"Come here then," he said, laying back against the arm of the couch, sliding his legs up onto the cushions and around her, his arms pulling her against him. She slid her legs up on the couch as well, tucked her skirt under her knees, and laid her head against his chest softly. She heard his heart racing, and felt her own pound in her ears just as fast. Looking over her head and arms wrapping around her, he placed the book on her legs, bracing it and turning to the right page. One of his hands leisurely stroked through her hair while the other held the book in place. He began to read, his voice making his chest vibrate softy beneath her, lulling her.

She lay there for long minutes, wondering why she was allowing this, and wondering why it was so easy and comfortable. She wondered if they could be like that for always, if that's what he was asking for when he always asked for her. She thought about how simply complex they were, but how it boiled down to the fact that when she thought of him, when she was with him, her body relaxed. She felt calm, and somewhere along the way things had changed, though she couldn't really think of when. All she knew was that they didn't have to be fighting for that knot of anxiousness in her stomach to go away. She could just be there with him, and even if every limb was nervous with tension, her heart felt peaceful. She wondered if that's what it meant to care for a person.

"You asleep?" he whispered in her ear.

"Yes," she whispered back. She could fell his smile.

"Lightweight," he teased, and she grinned. For a moment he let his head droop down into her neck, and she thought he might actually want to sleep like that, but then he took a deep breath and let it go. "My legs are going numb and you're heavy."

She grunted and he picked up the book from her lap, tossing it onto the table with the rest of her things. She leaned into the hand still lacing its way through her hair, indulging herself in the comfort of it, before pulling away and standing up.

"Night then," she said as he stood up, and bit back a smile at his glasses that had become slightly askew. She gazed fondly at his messy hair and sleepy eyes.

"Night," he said, and she turned around and headed for bed.

* * *

"This seat taken?" she looked up, startled at the voice interrupting her concentrated thoughts, and was even more startled to see Gideon pulling out the chair next to her at the library table.

"No, of course not!" she said, hurriedly moving her papers to accommodate him. He settled in.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi," she whispered. "I'm sorry we haven't really spoken."

"You've been busy," he said, and though it made her feel guilty, he had not said it with any hurtful intent.

"Yes," she said awkwardly, "I have."

" 'Suppose I never rightly congratulated you on making Head Girl, either, so we're even," he said, and she smiled.

"I know it sounds horribly trite, but how are you?" she asked. He grinned, and they were back to how they always had been: contemplative and conversitive. Time passed as they caught up on things, quietly engaging one another for just under an hour before he finally said what he had come to say. He stood up and walked over to her side of the table. She stood as well and he placed his hand against her face in an affectionate older brother sort of way, a distantly sad look in his eyes.

"So how's the Head Boy then?" he said in a regretful tone of voice. The question caught her slightly off-guard.

"James?" she asked. "What about him?"

He grinned sadly. "Well for starters, how about the fact that it's 'James' now, when not too long ago it was 'Potter'?"

"I…" she said, and she thought about that night when his face was so close to hers and the fluttering feeling had replaced her insides as he had whispered to her nonsense about how beautiful he thought she was.

Gideon grinned as she felt her face burn beneath his hand. " 'S'alright," he said. "I reckon he's the only person denser than you are about how you feel about him, so at least it'll come as a shock to him."

"I…" she tried again, but he just shook his head in that sad way of his. "Is it so painfully obvious?" she asked.

"Maybe only to those who know you well enough to know that you only blush for him. That you only run out of things to say when you want to be honest, but not hurtful. That you only ever get that dimple in your left cheek from biting back a laugh when he amuses you and you don't want him to know." He shook his head and smiled reassuringly at her look of distress over possibly hurting him.

"It's alright. I'm alright," he said, and then, after a minute he added, "I'm not as intensely passionate like he is. Few people in this world are. But the thing is, what he's most passionate about is you, so it doesn't feel like I'm losing anything when I know that you'll be happy."

"You're too good of a person, Gideon," she said. He kissed her forehead and for a moment looked at her straight in the eye as though trying to gauge something. He shook his head softly, before letting his hand drop and walking away.

Lily watched him go, before sighing, and slumping back into her chair. She turned to reach in her bag for another book when she caught sight of James standing at the end of a row of books with the strangest expression on his face that she didn't understand at all. She wondered if he had heard any of the past few minutes of conversation, but reckoned he had seen them talking and had been too far away to hear any of their actual words. In fact, that was the look on his face exactly: like he had seen Gideon's hand on her face, her deep blush, his kiss on her forehead, but had not heard about how he was the cause of it all.

She thought about what James had said about her blushing, about what Gideon had said about her blushing, and couldn't help the coloring of her cheeks as much as she tried to hide it, though she knew he must have read something else completely different by it. She watched his tall, strong frame in silent amazement, realizing that it really was true. She had feelings, _those_ kinds of feelings, for James. The kind of feelings of awe and respect that made her feel challenged and cared for, combated and matched with warmth and understanding and acceptance and empathy.

He walked out of the library and if she didn't have to finish her essay, she told herself, she might have followed him, but nervousness at the idea of what everything meant convinced her to stay more than anything.

* * *

It had rained heavily through the evening, and when she saw James in the Great Hall for breakfast after turning in her essay, he looked as if he hadn't slept at all. But then, she told herself, he never did the day of a Quidditch match, and the lightning had probably kept him up as well. For some reason, hearing the rain on her windows always helped her sleep a deep, deep sleep. Whether or not it was because he saw her or because it really was getting late, he called to his players and they left the Hall. As he passed her, he purposefully ignored her, but she pushed the rejected feeling away.

She wished Dorcas luck before settling down next to Marlene to quietly and quickly eat as well, before heading out to find good seats. The air was crisp and clear, but the wind was strong, whipping scarf ends around necks and blowing hats off surprised heads. It was almost dangerous weather, more dangerous than a storm, because it meant the wind had no other resistance to its force than the players themselves.

Lily prayed, as she always did before each match, that no one would get too hurt. The teams flew out onto the pitch, circling around, cheers erupting from the crowd, Marlene and Lily joining them, clapping and shouting with pride at the tops of their lungs. Things settled down after a few minutes, and the players took their positions. Lily watched as something strange happened, though she doubted few else noticed. James and Gideon were glaring fiercely at one another as they roughly shook hands, and whispered dark words too soft for anyone else to hear. Though it seemed a typical event giving the circumstances, Lily knew for a fact that they had both been polite when competing before. Her heart sank in her chest and an awful premonition filled her gut.

It did not take long for her fears to be confirmed. Both teams played as though bloodthirsty, driven on by the angry directions of their captains. She had never seen a more brutal game, Bludgers colliding with bodies painfully, and goals scored with a sharp anger. Lily watched James yell at his players during the break, saw their resolute faces, saw their already haggard and beaten forms, and felt the intense urge to go down their and knock some sense into all of them, but she remained glued to her seat, desperately trying to believe that it would all resolve itself somehow.

The score was tied 210 to 210, and both teams had been struggling neck and neck for a good hour trying to gain control. Suddenly, Gideon caught hold of the Quaffle and began racing towards the goalposts. A Ravenclaw beater slammed a Bludger towards Dorcas, the Gryffindor Keeper, who was too preoccupied by Gideon to notice until she was hit directly in the stomach by the malicious ball. The Bludger, damage done, pulled itself from her gut and flew off. Dorcas, teetered on her broom, held her resolve and did not fall, but began to guide herself half-hazardly to the ground where she was caught by Madame Frotney awaiting her.

Lily and Marlene had both been ready to race their way towards their friend, when suddenly great gasps went up through the crowd. James had placed himself in Keeper position and Gideon was still zooming directly at him, almost as though he was teasing James.

Suddenly James was standing on his broom. Neither Lily, nor anyone else in the crowd knew what he was doing. Gideon was flying right at him, Quaffle in hand, preparing to shift positions at the last minute in hopes of scoring, and it was almost like James was daring Gideon to get past him! It was a game of chicken on brooms! Lily felt her stomach drop out of her body. What would happen if they collided mid-air and fell to their deaths, as was the only obvious outcome of such stupid antics?

Lily stood up without realizing it, or the fact that so had everyone else in vague anticipation of the coming moments. A shout tried to form itself on her lips, but she was unable to grasp onto a coherent thought other than he was stark raving mad! As though needing to confirm her silent accusation, James, in the next few moments, did the most jaw-dropping thing she had ever seen. He jumped off of his broom, grabbing the front with one hand, and colliding forcefully on Gideon. They began to wrestle mid-air, barely keeping upright, and James let out a punch straight to Gideon's stomach, causing him to let loose the Quaffle long enough for James to grab it, and once again jump off a broom into empty air, two hundred meters above the ground.

Shouts erupted from the crowd, Lily's own strangled cry lost in the sounds. His broom was still clutched in his other hand, and he used the momentum with which the broom was suddenly yanked down from his weight to swing it over in front of his head and beneath him. He sped towards the goal post, easily dodged their surprised Keeper, and tossed the ball lazily through.

It was a few moments before anything registered with anyone. Suddenly, a whistle was blowing hard.

"FOUL!" The announcer, a third-year by the name of Mundungus Fletcher cried. "James Potter is being red-carded and kicked out of the rest of the game! I can't believe this! This is an outrage!"

Lily slipped back down into her seat as the stadium filled with the indignant cries of the crowd. Several minutes passed before it calmed down enough to resume play. Lily watched as James checked on Dorcas, who would be fine after a day or two when her bones were mended, before sulking and shouting out commands from the rest of his team from the sidelines below. It was a pitiful struggle, with Gryffindor minus both their Keeper and a Chaser. Ravenclaw made quick work of the empty ring posts, which one of the Gryffindor beaters had taken up trying to protect, but without a Bludger nearby at all times, there was little he could do.

The score was 370-210 when the Seekers finally caught sight of the Golden Snitch, diving into steep slopes, racing each other, both desperate. The Ravenclaw Seeker was gaining the lead, when a Bludger was suddenly knocked into his side by Caradoc Dearborn, and the Gryffindor Seeker Marks pulled the winged ball into his tiny outstretched hand. The Ravenclaw end cheered wildly. Even if they hadn't caught the Snitch, the final score was 370-360, and they had won.

* * *

They had lost. They had never lost. _James_ had never lost. No one could figure out what had happened--what had gone wrong. So many Gryffindors trudged around in a daze, filing out of the stands. Speaking quickly with Marlene, telling her to find Dorcas, Lily rushed past them, weaving desperately through the crowds of Ravenclaws as she reached the pitch, to the densest part, where she knew Gideon had to be. He was ecstatic –they all were—and soon they too were marching up to the castle in a triumphant march.

She wanted to call his name, but wasn't sure she would be heard over the noise. Just then though, he glanced in her direction and caught sight of her. He seemed surprised, but managed to break away long enough from his congratulations to make his way over to her.

"I'm sorry," she called when he was close enough.

"About what?" he said, as the last bunches began to leave, giving them some privacy.

"About James and this whole game. It was completely…completely," she was at a loss for words to explain how horrendous it all was.

"Immature?" he said softly after a minute. She sighed and nodded.

"Yes," she said. "And I got the distinct impression that it's all my fault somehow."

He shook his head smiling. "Poor Lily. You have the unfortunate luck that the boys who care about you will always act like pratish idiots in hopes of gaining your attention. I think in some distant part of our brains we think you'll see it as charming, though logical sense tells us it's quite far from it. Rather tragic actually. You inspire the worst in us."

"Oh Gideon," Lily said miserably. "I'm so-"

"I'm alright, love," he cut her off, "but you best go see to your boy. After all, he's the one with the hurt ego."

"I've always believed James could use a little ego-deflating," she said, and at that Gideon grinned. "And I meant it, when I said that I still care for you. You're my friend, and I…"

"I know," he said, and grinned. "Besides, after being the first to beat James Potter, I'm sure there are plenty of lovely ladies back up the common room ready to congratulate me, so don't you worry your pretty little head about me."

She smiled softly. "I still want to say I'm sorry," she said.

"Lily, listen to yourself. You're apologizing for his actions. You didn't foul me, and even if you feel like you're the instigation for it, and even if you are, you don't have to say anything. Quidditch is a rough game and if I'll give anything to James, it's that he's good at it. I feel honored to have won, and I know a large part of it was because of his actions. He wasn't focused. He was distracted through the entire game. If he hadn't been, this game would have been completely different."

"Completely different," she whispered, suddenly struck by the phrase. If James wasn't who he was, and she wasn't who she was, would things be completely different? She wondered where he was. She had an intense urge to see him. She gave Gideon a congrats and left, heading to the Gryffindor changing rooms.

* * *

It was so quiet. Everything was awash in blue and gray, the clouds looming ominously and the wind whipping them along. She closed the door behind her, and turned slowly to face him. He was lying on his back on the bench in front of the lockers. He didn't look up at her entrance, so she came closer. She didn't really know what she was doing-- only he had never looked so attractive to her before.

"I told you it's not about how you play, but whether or not you win," his voice called out sardonically. She stood next to his head, and after a moment he opened his eyes. She was obviously not who he expected. He looked surprised, and then uncomfortable. He stood up and looked away from her, leaning his back against the lockers and shoving his hands in his pockets, waiting for her to say whatever it was she came to say. But she hadn't come to say anything.

He smelled clean like soap and spice, and his dark hair was still damp. His top button was undone, his sleeves were rolled up and his tie still hung on his open locker door. She couldn't take her eyes away from his face. He looked so reserved. He seemed to be disappointed, but not angrily so, as though all of that had slipped away now, and he realized just what he had done, like he had been possessed by a former version of himself during the game, and now that it was over, so was his stupidity. The arch of his chin and the line of his jaw entranced her for reasons she could not explain. She wondered what his skin would feel like beneath her fingertips.

He turned to look at her when she stepped closer to him. His eyes were orbs of hazel, simultaneously soft and intense. She slipped her hand along his jaw line, her thumb rubbing his cheek, finally resting when she had curled her fingers in his hair. His eyes closed halfway at her touch and his lips parted a little, almost as though he wanted to say something and had forgotten what. They were standing so close she could feel his warm breath brush her cheeks.

She felt his hand come to hold her waist. The pressure from his fingers was light and she barely noticed. Her other hand had found it's way to his stomach and was slowly gliding up his chest. His breath was ragged and he was trembling under her hand. His heartbeat was erratic and fast beneath her fingers.

She watched as he licked his bottom lip and her own heart skipped a beat.

"Lily," he groaned, and she had never felt more beautiful in all her life, like she was the only thing in his world more important than breathing. She felt powerful and …desired. It made her shake. She felt a mass of emotions heat and stir in her stomach like a thick potion melting together and she only had to add a single ingredient to make it either solidify or explode.

"_Please_," he whispered in agony, and it broke her.

She brushed her lips against his mouth, kissing him softly. His lips slowly sliding against hers were so warm it surprised her. Light electricity flooded through her veins, heating every part of her skin and making her stomach flip over.

She was hyper aware of everywhere they were touching and was frozen as one hand moved up her back, threading into her hair and the other tightened on her waist pulling her closer, demanding more. Her whole body felt like it was inflated with air, every cell doing cartwheels. She felt overcome with warmth, overtaken by a sudden fever when only moments before she had been cold. Her body seemed to pulse beneath his ministrations, boiling to the brim and she so desperately wanted it to overflow.

He pulled back, and she gasped, not realizing until that very moment how short of air she was. He gasped as well, their ragged breathing echoing around the silent room. His face lingered close, his nose rubbing affectionately against hers, stirring a painful ache in her chest. She wanted him to open his eyes; she wanted to know if they were the hot metallic gray they always were when they fought. Her body was draped across his, and he still leaned back against the locker for support.

She bit her lip, and his eyes opened a sliver to stare at the rubbed-rosy buds. He groaned angrily before twisting her around, pressing her against the locker. His hands held her trapped, and though her heart danced anxiously and her body flittered with nervous tension she was not afraid.

He kissed her softly, and reluctantly pulled away, silently reassuring her that he was not going to try anything forward, that he wanted to kiss her – had wanted to for so long – but he was overwhelmed by the intensity of how everything felt, and she understood perfectly. She gripped his hair in her fingers tightly and he took a deep breath before leaning in to kiss her again, pleasure coursing between them so thick it was almost tangible. She felt like they were fighting, with the teasingly angry and fluid way their lips slid across one another's, igniting sparks deep in the pit of her stomach that began to catch and spread through her whole body until she felt completely overtaken by the heat of it. She felt like she was losing sense of everything. She felt like she was drowning in fire and she didn't want to breathe if it meant moving a molecule away from him.

"Ahem," came the cough behind them. Lily jumped, and James leaned away from her, but kept his arms braced against the locker wall. She could practically feel James's glare at the intrusion. She did not believe Sirius's grin could possibly get any wider. She was half ready to pull out her wand and hex him six ways from Sunday if he did not leave immediately so James and she could resume and her head would drown again in the dizzy sensations he stirred within her. Her other half was thankful for the intrusion because it cleared her head from the foggy mist it was in faster than a bucket of cold water, and logic returned to her with sudden clarity.

"So being your best friend I thought I'd give you some space before coming down to hex you out of your melancholy mood that of course you must be in, only to find you and the Head Girl quite enthralled in completely inappropriate behavior." Sirius clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "I mean, the example you two are setting after all."

"Sirius," James said sharply. Lily slid out from under his arm and he dropped them to turn to face Sirius fully.

"Obviously I thought wrong. I care for you of course James, but I don't think I could offer you the same kind of _comfort_," Sirius laughed sardonically. Lily moved farther away from James, closer to the door. She wanted a large crater to open up in the floor beneath her, swallowing her whole.

"Sirius, _shut_ up," James said, and Lily watched a harsh expression cross his face. Over the years, she and James had their fair share of spats, but his face had never looked like that.

"Oh come on, James! Who knew that all this time all you had to do was _lose?_ Sure you would have lost the Cup, but think of the loads of trouble you could have saved yourself!" Sirius cried angrily.

Lily did not want to hear any more, and rather sure her wish to be swallowed alive by some cosmic natural disaster was not coming true any time soon, she ran. She could hear the sound of James and Sirius yelling as she left, but did not attempt to make out the words.

The cold wind whipping through her hair cooled her body and she took deep, steadying breaths as she made her way up to the castle. Lightning lit up the world and she looked up as it streaked its fingers across the sky, thunder booming a second later. A heavy drop of rain hit her forehead. She looked up as she ran and blinked several times, before another drop hit her cheek. She ducked under the awning of the castle, pushing open the door and turning around just in time to see the sky break open and rain begin pouring over the grounds.

She stood watching the torrents begin to fall for several minutes, before turning back to the warmth of the castle and making her way up to the tower. She thought about going to the Gryffindor common room, but she did not want really want to talk with anyone, especially because she knew they would all be in rather sour spirits after the loss.

She entered the Head common room, and thought for a moment about curling up in one of the chairs in front of the fire, but did not want to talk to James if he came in. The whole situation had been awkward. Both her run and getting caught had left her feeling drained of any of the energy inspired by the overwhelmingly wonderful feelings she had felt and it left a horrible sick feeling in her stomach.

And that was the moment she realized that James really _was_ the wonderful person she had thought he was trying to pretend to be, because before, James would have laughed with Sirius about getting caught, would have teased Sirius about tables being reversed maybe, but he hadn't. He hadn't. She didn't know what he had done, but it had resembled that bit of redeeming character he had managed to convince her was really inside him, and though she still felt horrible, the thought calmed her raging stomach some.

* * *

She did not expect the heavy pounding on her door. She looked up from her book, surprised.

"LILY!" James's bellow startled her into action and she slid off her bed, marking her book. "Lily please!" he called, still banging relentlessly on the door.

"James, what's wrong?" she asked, opening the door. He was drenched. He stumbled into her room as though he thought she might close the door if she saw it was him.

"Please don't be angry! Just this once? Can you please just forgive the fact that I'm a prat and Sirius is a prat and tell me that you aren't-"

"James," she interrupted, and her hand coming up to hold his cheek softly cut him off mid-sentence. "I'm not angry."

The atmosphere was suddenly sharply changed. "Oh," he said, and swallowed hard. He closed his eyes, as though trying to block her out of his mind to clear his thoughts.

"It would be really easy," he choked, and she dropped her hand to make it easier for him to speak. Looking down, he opened his eyes, and held her hand with his. "To take advantage of our living arrangements."

He closed his eyes. "God would it be easy," he whispered painfully. "But I meant what I promised before, about not taking advantage of that, about behaving like a perfect gentleman here."

He opened his eyes, his dark lovely eyes that seemed to want to consume her, and for some reason the idea that her bed was only meters away flitted through her mind, causing her to blush, though why the thought entered at all she did not care to examine.

"We should take things slow," he said, his voice sounding as though he had resolved this matter with himself.

"All right," she nodded. "You need to get dry or you'll catch a cold."

"Yeah," he said, as though he hadn't wanted her to agree. "Yeah."

* * *

"Hey Evans, can I talk to you for a minute?" Her friends looked on in interest, but she told them pointedly to go on without her. Marlene stuck out her tongue, and Lily glared at her retreating form.

"What did you want?" she asked, shifting her books in front her. She had never been on good terms with Sirius Black, and now that things had changed between she and James, she wondered if that meant things had also changed between her and Sirius. She didn't bet on it.

Sirius scratched the back of his head. "Listen, about the other day: I didn't mean to embarrass you. I know I can be kind of tactless, and I didn't mean to offend you."

She blinked. She wondered if he knew he had purposely skirted around the word "sorry". She shrugged the thought away. "It doesn't really matter," she said, and though they both knew she was lying, they also knew he wouldn't protest it.

"I know it's probably not my place, but you better not just be messing with him Evans," he said lazily, though she caught the sincerity of the underlying threat in his eyes.

"You're right," she said tightly. "You are tactless."

His eyebrows shot up in shock, before his lopsided cocky grin slid back into place.

"Is apologizing all you wanted to do?" she asked. His grin did not fade.

"Yeah," he said.

"Well then I must be going," she said, before walking past him. "And next time you do something stupid, tell James I said I don't want him to make you apologize."

"Will do," he called after her.

* * *

Lily didn't tell her friends because she didn't know what to say. Things hadn't changed, or if they had, they had changed so slowly that there wasn't a point where she could clearly say things were different. There had been transition that seemed a lifetime in the making. So when he asked her if he could hold her hand and walk her down to breakfast, she had agreed and felt slightly giddy at the pleasant contact, but had not thought of what would happen when their friends would see them enter like that, talking in their teasing banter about class.

They looked up from each other as they came upon their regular seats, only to find shocked and angry faces all around. Alice and Remus seemed to be the only ones to recover from the initial shock. They both smiled softly, but it was overshadowed by the looks on the rest.

Both Sirius and Marlene looked at their conjoined hands in slight disgust. Sirius scoffed. "Well there goes _my_ appetite," he said, pushing his plate away from himself.

"Sirius," James said sharply, but Sirius stood abruptly and glared daggers at him.

"What Prongs? You can do whatever the hell you want, but that _doesn't mean_ I have to _like_ it." At that, he stormed out of the hall.

"You know what?" Marlene declared shrilly. "As much as I never thought this day would ever come, I _agree_ with Black."

She stood up and stormed out of the Hall as well.

James squeezed her hand, and Lily wasn't sure if it was meant to be reassuring or because he didn't want her to let go.

"Anyone else?" he said darkly. Alice stood up, before coming over to stand in front of them.

"About darn time," she said sternly, before throwing herself on them both in a hug.

"Now _that_ I'll second," came Remus's shrewd voice. James let out a half-strangled laugh. Lily let out a tentative smile.

"This doesn't mean I have to act all girly and pretend to care when you gush over the color of each other's eyes and all that hullabaloo, does it?" Dorcas groaned, making Lily laugh.

"Dorcas," James said, "as your Quidditch Captain, I give you permission to hex both Lily and I if we start gushing over the color of each other's eyes, because it's obviously an imposter."

Everyone laughed, and that seemed to be the end of the discussion. He went and sat with his friends, and she with hers. They worked around the awkwardness of their missing person, trying not to bring anything up that might involve Marlene or Sirius too directly. After the meal was over, James once again came up to Lily, to ask if she was going back to the Tower.

"I'm going to go find Marlene," Lily said. James grinned sadly.

"Guess that's my cue to go find Sirius then," he said.

"Not if you don't think it will do any good. You've already talked to him about…about this whole thing."

"About _us_," he said. She nodded.

"About…_us_," she said. The smile that lit up his face seemed to wind her for a moment.

"Right," he said. "I should have another go with it anyway. See you later then?"

She nodded, and headed up to the Owlery, where she knew Marlene would be crouching in the corner, hidden away among the rungs, comforted by the soft calls of the birds.

"Hey," Lily whispered, sliding down next to her, tucking her skirt beneath her, but she wasn't quite sure what to say. Should she apologize? She didn't want to. She didn't want her relationship with James to be something she had to apologize for. After a long moment, Marlene spoke.

"Do you remember that day, during OWLS in fifth year, out by the lake?" she whispered.

"How could I forget?" Lily said.

Marlene looked away. In a small voice she said, "You were so _brave_. You've always stood up to them. You're what a real Gryffindor should be. And they were afraid of you, and maybe it was because James liked you, but it wasn't just that. It's because you're brilliant, Lily, and compassionate. You're so…_strong_. And it was so hard to be against them, which made you that much stronger.

I was always so afraid of them, most everyone is, or at the very least intimidated by them. But not you. I remember watching you that day and wishing I could have been standing beside you. You're my best friend, and I just sat there like everyone else, watching as you stood up for someone that _hates_ you, because it was the _right thing to do_. It would have been easy if it were someone you cared about.

So many people wish they were like you. Do you know that? I know you always say that you can't figure out why James likes you, but have you ever wondered why it's so obvious to everyone else? You're beautiful and you're funny and you're so smart and…and you're _alive_. I guess I secretly always wondered why you hung out with us. I mean, we were your housemates, but you could've been friends with anyone you wanted, and you chose us."

"_Marlene_," Lily said, but the girl shook her head, and seemed to find that voice of polite fierceness she always used, which scared many, but had endeared Lily to her.

"I'm tired of being afraid of them. It was one thing when it was Slytherins, but another when it's you. I won't let them hurt you, especially James, when he's been doing it for so long."

"Marlene," Lily said, turning away. "I think that I might…"

The pained expression of Lily's face said all that needed saying. "No," Marlene whispered. Lily looked back at her friend with guilt in her eyes.

"He's so wonderful. When we're together, just the two of us, I feel like I could go on being that way forever, if he would just be as charming and brilliant, if he would just keep looking at me the way he does. I don't know why it means something now when it never did before. Maybe it's because I'm different, or maybe it's because I'm finally seeing him."

"No," Marlene said, shaking her head sharply.

"I want to be with him," Lily said, and the firmness in her voice surprised ever her. "Please don't stand between us. Not you, not my best friend. Not when so many other people are going to be. I need you by my side for this. _Please_, Marlene."

The other girl looked away, tears brimming in her eyes, and Lily felt her own burning, ready to fall and held back by sheer will.

"I need time to think about it," Marlene said after a moment. Lily nodded, but didn't know what to say. Marlene left.

* * *

Lily made her way back from the library, knowing it was almost curfew. She was surprised, when coming around the corner; she saw Marlene and James walking together out of the Head Room. Both curiosity and irrational fear slipped into her mind about why they were together and about how Marlene had gotten in.

They both seemed to notice her at the same time, though neither looked afraid or scared. Marlene turned and whispered something to James, before walking up to Lily. She embraced Lily in a tight hug, and kissed her cheek softly. Marlene pulled back, and brought her hands up to hold Lily's face in a motherly fashion, and once again tears were brimming in her eyes.

"All right," she whispered. "I'm with you."

Marlene left, leaving Lily and James to stand there awkwardly looking at one another. After a moment, he motioned for her to come back inside and she did.

"Did you talk to Sirius?" she asked. He shrugged, which she knew in James-speak meant he didn't want to talk about it. She dropped her books on the shelf and her bag on the floor, rolling her stiff shoulders.

"You heading to bed?" he asked softly. "Or are you going to be up for a bit?"

Suddenly a thought struck, and it struck her with such a force that she began speaking before it really sunk in. "Are you tired?" she asked quickly.

"Not really," he said.

"James," she said suddenly, and strode over to him. He raised an eyebrow. She picked up his hands in hers and bit her lip to keep from smiling. "James Potter, will you go to Hogsmeade with me?"

He suddenly realized what was so amusing and a grin broke out of his face. "So many wicked retorts, however will I choose?"

She looked a bit guilty for a moment, as though realizing for the first time how much he risked and how much he hurt every time she turned him down. "Yes," he said quickly at seeing her face. "Do you know when the next weekend is?"

"Not for two weeks," she whispered, blushing and suddenly turning serious. "But that doesn't matter."

"Oh? And why is that?" he asked, loving how close they were standing.

"Because," she said softly and primly, "I'm asking you to go with me tonight. We'll be back by midnight and no one will ever know."

He did not look as excited as she had hoped. "Lily…" he seemed to struggle for a moment. "You don't have to-"

"I don't have to what?" She said sharply. "I know that you're reckless and childish and impulsive and mischievous, but that's so much a part of who you are, and I want to be with you, not just the parts of you that are decent, but the parts that are indecent too. I really care about you, and even though there are things about you that absolutely infuriate me, I don't want to change those things. If I did, then you wouldn't be the same person that I care about."

He kissed her swiftly: chaste and soft and sure. She was surprised and he pulled away after a lingering moment. His thumbs massaged her wrists that he still held in his hands.

"Better be off then," he whispered. "Just let me grab a few…things."

Trepidation filled her stomach at the wicked gleam in his eyes, but she calmed it by taking deep breaths. She was with James, she told herself. Things were going to be all right.

**AN:** I am sooo sorry it took soooo long. Thank you and a dozen cookies to everyone that has been patient and reviewed! I hope it's a last summer treat before school for the lot of you!


	8. In for a penny

"Are you sure this is alright?" Lily said nervously. James grinned.

"It's a little late to be asking that now, don't you think?" he said, merriment in his every movement. She glanced down at the bags he carried, filled with goodies and her own brand-new CopyQuill.

"In for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose," she said.

"What?" he asked confused, but she shook her head.

"We may as well," she explained, and he nodded.

And with that, James threw the cloak over their heads and bundled it up in his arms. There were only a few patrons in the Three Broomsticks, at such a late hour, but none looked all that impressed with their sudden appearance if they noticed at all. Lily blinked, and they smiled at one another, Lily slightly more shyly than James. His free hand slid into hers and Lily felt her cheeks blush. He looked down at their intertwined hands in that look of dazed euphoric bewilderment he had been using all night. She loved holding his hand. It was large and warm and tough, but touched her in a manner that suggested he was handling something delicate.

"What?" she finally asked of his gaze.

"I just can't believe that we're really-"

"James Potter!" Lily's eyes shot wide, guilt and fear shrouding her features. He visibly flinched under that strict tone. "I know I've been lenient in the past, but no amount of charming from you or Sirius Black is going to get you out of trouble tonight! You're Head Boy now, for Merlin's sakes! It's no wonder that redhead you're so enamored with thinks you're immature! You should know better!" Madame Rosemerta exclaimed. She knew the back of that scruffy black-haired head better than she knew her own name. She wondered what excuse he'd have conjured up this time. Sure enough, he turned around with that charming grin of his that always seemed to make her temper soften. She tried to hold firm.

"No!" she said, closing her eyes and holding up her hands in defense. "I don't want to hear whatever excuse you've managed to cook up this time!"

""But this time it's really _not_ my fault!" he cried, and stepped to the side, revealing the aforementioned redhead. The girl was blushing and looking apologetic. Madame Rosemerta felt her heart soften.

"The Head Girl _made_ me!" he said, drawing Lily close to his side and gazed at the girl with the most unabashed expression of adoration she had ever seen. Whatever reserved strength she had to fight him off was butchered by that look.

"Oh! Go sit down already!" she cried, shaking her head and going to the bar to grab a couple of butterbeers. She put them on the table in front of the two and sharply jabbed her finger at James. "You should just be grateful that I never swear in front of a lady, Mister, or else you'd be getting an earful! And you!" she said, turning to Lily. The girl looked absolutely terrified. "I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into with this hooligan!"

Then she smiled, winked, and strode off to refresh the drinks of the other patrons in the bar.

"You know, I think that's the lightest I've ever gotten off with her. I should bring you around more often," he said.

"As long as you don't start blaming everything on me, I might take you up on that offer," she said carefully after a moment, before busying herself with her bottle.

"Am I to understand you've actually enjoyed yourself this evening?" he grinned wickedly.

"And in spite of your company too," she teased.

"Well I rather think a toast is in order then!" he cried triumphantly. She laughed and raised her drink. He held up his drink in a solemn manner and tried to hold onto his serious expression, though his eyes danced with hers. "To my taming and/or corruption of Lily Evans, a feat once thought impossible by friend and foe alike," he declared. She rolled her eyes.

"To my cessation to enemy forces, a feat once thought to be the apocalypse, but which in reality only culminated in the destruction of any form of rational thought I may have previously owned," she drawled.

"Hear, hear!" he said, scolding their glasses together. She took a sip of her butterbeer, surprised that it did not taste as she remembered. It seemed…dulled somehow. The blessedly warm wash it usually gave her seemed to pale in comparison to the already noxious stirrings of heat in her stomach and heart as his foot tried to play with hers beneath the table. She knew it was horrendously childish and immature, but she felt a dimple form in her cheek from where she bit back her smile and kicked him lightly back. He grinned. What was it about him that affected her so? Was it that she was so overwhelmed by him, or was it that he seemed so overwhelmed by her?

She didn't care to examine, and so pushed the thoughts away. Sometimes she felt too frustrated by everything he made her feel because she didn't want their relationship to be the icky sweet temporary romance of a school crush. She wanted to stay herself, and not fall into the ploy of loosing all sense of reality outside of him, but it was hard when he stared at her like nothing else mattered and she was hard-pressed not to agree.

"Have you received your Auror application yet? I got mine in the post this morning," she asked. His face fell somewhat into a more serious expression.

"Yes," he said shortly, then shook his head. "I don't know why I'm so bitter about it. I glanced over the questions on it and it doesn't seem too difficult. Or rather, I know what my responses should be."

She sighed. "You're lucky. I don't have the first clue where to begin. The first five pages seem to just be a questionnaire, but the essays look dreadful."

James grinned. "They're supposed to be dreadful. They're essays."

"Ha ha," she said, but suddenly she felt the intense urge to share something with him, something she had never shared with anyone before. She looked away. "I sometimes wonder if it's just a waste. My application, I mean. I know that I've done well in school, but that doesn't really say much about what I have to offer. It's not as if I'm a great candidate, being a Muggleborn, being a girl. Sometimes I feel like I should focus on other things so that when they decline my application I'll have something else to fall back on, but nothing really interests me like becoming an Auror does. I wish it did. I wish I could find something that I _know_ I'd be good at, where I know I'd belong. Sometimes, my future seems so hopeless."

James's hand suddenly in hers, squeezing hers painfully, drew her attention to the sharp look in his eyes. "óåçðïõ ïàäÝí, ðóíôó ä´ åçðéæåéí ÷ñåõô," he said. She blinked several times. "It's Ancient Greek. It's by Euripides. It means: Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything. I won't lie to you: being a girl and being a Muggleborn will count against you. As much as I'd like to believe that our system is getting better at putting aside old prejudices, it's nowhere near what it needs to and should be. But you're a great witch, Lily, and the only girl I know that I'd want at my side, and that I wouldn't have to worry about, if I were in a dire situation. I admire the fact that you're willing to risk your future if it means not accepting anything less than what you really want. It gives _me_ hope."

He looked away from her, almost shyly. "I have to confess that ever since you said you wanted to be an Auror, it's changed what I thought about my future. It was exciting suddenly, because I could picture what it'd be like, to have you there with me, in training and by my side. Even if we never got together, it's been a reassuring thought. I wouldn't be bored if you were with me. I wouldn't have to worry that I was going to end up like my father. I wouldn't have to worry about losing you. So don't say you wouldn't belong, because it's too easy for me to envision you there."

"You wouldn't be afraid I'd get hurt?" she said, and she seemed surprised and happy. He looked down at their hands, and remembered that day after OWLs by the lake when she had said that she didn't want _him_ to defend her.

"Of course I'd be afraid, but that doesn't mean that I don't trust you to be able to handle yourself. It's been hard, but I've learned that it's not fair for me to say that I genuinely care about you if I can't have faith in you to be the person I care for. You've never given me any reason to doubt that you can take care of yourself. I guess sometimes I just felt like you shouldn't always have to."

She looked stunned by his words. "I always felt like you thought I couldn't handle it on my own. It made me so angry. I think I just never wanted people to believe that I was dependent on others in order to take care of myself. I wanted others to see me as strong, capable. I didn't want you to look at me and feel like you had to come to my rescue because that's what's expected."

He grinned. "You _are_ strong, and I never came to your rescue because I thought you couldn't handle it. I just always wanted you to know that I was on your side, that I was with you."

"You're such a prat," she said smiling, and he squeezed her fingers in her own again.

"So I hear," he drawled, finishing the last of his butterbeer. Eyes glittering with delight, he added casually, "It must be the company I keep that brings out such fine qualities."

She glared at his winning smile. "Now, now, I can't take all of the credit. Some of your character flaws are completely capable of expressing themselves without my presence. Like your firm belief in the fact that you're anything more than a marvelous idiot, for example," she said. He laughed, placed a couple of coins on the table to pay for their drinks and a tip, and stood up, reaching out his hand to her. For a moment, she looked at that hand, before graciously accepting it and standing.

"See?" he said. "How dare you even think of depriving me of your wonderful wit? Just think of the disaster it could cause. For a single moment, I might possibly disillusion myself into believing that you hold a tremendous affection for me."

"Well with _that_ threat hanging over my head, I suppose I shall _have_ to become an Auror, and _never_ leave your side," she said sarcastically. His intense gaze caught hers, and though a smile still tugged at his lips, an entirely different expression hung in his eyes.

"Good," he whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear, as though he was not sure he wanted her to. Heat spread through her cheeks, and she didn't dare look at him. She tried to think about how she _wasn't at all_ smitten with him, and how incredible he made her feel about what life had in store for them. They walked for a time in silence, her focus barely on the fact that he was leading her back to the castle, and how his arm brushed hers with every other step. She wanted to take his hand, but was afraid. Already she was losing so much of herself to him, and it was so easy being by his side. She didn't want to be dependent on him, but now that she had finally realized that he had never thought she was, it was possible she was beginning to be. Did that mean she should distance herself from him, or further embrace what was building between them? She thought that once they were together that things would settle and the confusion would leave, but she was even more confused than before.

She couldn't deny what she felt for him, she realized. They had spent too long on that already, but she couldn't totally embrace everything he made her feel or else she would close off the rest of the world. She needed to find a balance between the two. When the world was all around, when people were watching and when she had other responsibilities, he could only be a shadow; but when they were alone, when it was just them, he could have of her whatever he desired. The thought made her shiver as she felt his arm brush hers again. She cared for him in a way she had never thought possible to care for someone, like there was an endlessly deep cavern inside her heart where he dwelled, that she could spend forever getting lost in and never feel despair. She cared for him deeper than she wanted to admit, but she knew that she couldn't allow her life to be wrapped around his.

He stopped walking suddenly, and she paused to look back at him. Something about the intensity of his gaze made her feel as though he could read every thought in her head. He looked almost nervous, and he shoved his empty hand in his pocket so he wouldn't ruffle his hair. She smiled coyly and raised an eyebrow. "What is it?" she asked.

"Can I kiss you goodnight? I just thought that since I promised to be a gentleman back at the Tower, that I'd ask now before it's too late."

She felt warmth a thousand times more exciting than Butterbeer flood through her stomach, her heart floating on top of it, almost out of place like the roof of a house after a heavy rainstorm. She grinned at his shy question, wondering how it was possible to even think she could deny him. "If you'd like," she said, and he grinned his mesmerizing smile that she was always so surprised to find she was the cause of. He dropped their bags, and reached for her, pulling her close and wrapping her up in his arms. She loved the feeling of it, loved how _safe_ it made her feel. Her arms folded up between them, her hands splayed across his chest, the icy feeling in them ebbing away as she felt how quick his heart was beating. She could hear her own heart in her ears, flying just as fast, and she wondered if it had ever beat like that for anything other than him. Their warm breaths clouded softly in the cool night air, brushing against each other's cheeks and causing shivers to run down their spines. The dark ink black of night melted with the outlines of his hair, and deepened the look of focused desire in his eyes. She wondered if he thought her trembling was from the cold.

Softly, slowly, he let his lips find hers. Her eyes slipped closed, and she did it without thinking about it. The overwhelming feeling a being washed away by a tidal wave of pleasure left her barely able to stand, let alone see. He continued to kiss her as his hands stroked through her hair and bound her almost flesh up against him, his movements intense and purposeful. Lily realized in a distant part of her brain that when you kissed the right person, no matter how many times or ways you did it, your stomach was always be replaced with either fireworks or marshmallows. She felt dizzy when he finally pulled away, unsure of just how much time had passed.

"We should get back," she said, feeling like her entire body was blushing under his ministrations and the open night around them. He frowned, as though he had not drawn back to give her air just so she could blow him off.

"Not yet," he whispered, still entranced with how red and delicious and pliant her lips were looking, begging to be devoured by his own. She moaned as he kissed her again, though he wasn't completely sure it was in protest. After a moment though, he could feel her pushing against him with her hands and pulled back.

He buried his face in her neck, though he knew his affections towards her were more forward than she was entirely comfortable with. He made sure his hands never wandered away from safe places on her form, and distracted them when they begged to touch more of her by combing through her hair or gripping at her waist. He knew that for being a new couple, they had definitely moved fast. Still, she had to know that he was serious about her by now and that he wasn't just using her for physical intimacy. They might have only officially been together since she had first kissed him, but their original courtship had lasted years. It really was not his fault that he was half-desperate at every given moment to kiss her, and it really rather was a testament to his character that he had only acted on that intense driving need when entirely appropriate.

When he pulled back to look at her and smile, he was surprised by the completely foreign look on her face. He had been sure that he knew every expression she was capable of making, and yet this one was completely new and completely undecipherable. "What is it?" he whispered to her shining eyes.

"I want to remember this for always. You can never go back to a moment in time when you're truly happy, and I'm not ready to give this one up yet, not when it's so perfect, not when it's so real," she said, deliriously captured in his arms and eyes and heart.

"I love you," he whispered, the words slipping from his heart to his tongue before he even realized it. He felt his heart clench when he saw her breath catch, and because he did not want to make her feel awkward, he buried his face into her neck again, inhaling deeply the musky sweet jasmine scent she always seemed to carry, believing the words with his entire being. He felt her nestle into his chest as though trying to burrow her way deeper inside of him, and he felt his heart splinter into a thousand pieces with joy. He didn't know how it was possible to be so happy and in so much pain at the same time, only he had never felt so complete in his entire life. There was nothing to fight, nothing work for, nothing to change. He had only to breathe to feel alive in the most pure way he had ever known.

"We really should get back," she whispered after a moment of indulgence. Reluctantly he pulled himself away from her to pick up their bags and toss the Invisibility Cloak around them once more.

**FAQs:**

_why has this taken so incredibly long to come out?_

I never wanted to be one of those fanfic authors that took more than two weeks to update let alone over a month. It upsets me as much as it does you, I'm sure. I want to be working on beautiful contradictions. I have just had some real-life issues 3000 miles away that needed my attention for the past month. Many apologies to my faithful readers. Your reviews and emails are what keep me from stopping altogether sometimes.

_when is the next part coming out?_

As soon as humanly possible. Being gone for a month means I am failing all of my classes and I have come back to midterms. I also have work. I reiterate: I do want to be working on bc, I just need time. The best way to find out about updates is to check out my bio, which gives notices about when and what is coming out, and usually about delays.

_why are you so anal about some grammatical structures and so blatantly bad with others?_

Several people have brought up some grammatical quirks of mine that I justify through poetic license. I don't like quotation marks. I think they are ugly. I use them in fanfiction because I know it is easier for other people to understand. However, often times I will use them incorrectly. It is not that I don't know the rules, I just don't like the rules, so I don't follow it. I also use run-on sentences and awkward structuring. In my best defense, English is not my first language. Mostly though, I am just quirky. Sorry if that bothers some of you.

_why don't you put breaks in places where there should be breaks?_

I do, but I also type this is html, and I have yet to find a code for a divider that ffn does not erase. I am working on it. Sorry!

_is not consistent with the books._

Thank you. I love when people point out inconsistencies with the books to me. I want to make this as realistic as possible, and it's frustrating when you read something and it doesn't fall in place with the way you see it. This is not an invitation to get nit-picky about plausibility, but a thank you to those who have noticed little things that have helped me to revise and make this story better.

_how long is this going to be?_

This is only going to be as long as seventh year. I do not plan on doing anything l/j after that. Please don't ask me to continue it because I am susceptible to guilt and I really want to try some other pairings after this.

_why haven't you reviewed my story after I asked if you'd check it out?_

If you asked before I left a month ago, then I have probably read your fic and have enjoyed it and was a jerk and did not review. I am a horrible person for that, I know, but generally I only review fanfics when it inspires me to write better and when I am in the mood. I think I have reviewed a total of maybe twenty fics since I joined a couple years ago. ::inserts guilty look here::. It's not that I don't like your writing or that I'm a prude…I am just lazy. Sorry! I don't mean to offend anyone. Please don't take it personally.

**AN:** as for the ancient greek, I had to improvise on some characters. Hopefully you all can see it. If not, blah.

_okay, my turn to ask some questions!_ Very, very tentatively, would anyone be interested in buying this is book-form? Only cafepress will print them and I would only charge what that costs and not extra to make any money. I ask because a lot of people have expressed how much they like this fic (hugs and cookies to you all!), and I know how cool it would be if my favorite authors started doing it so I could have awesome fanfics in book-form too. Just curious.

Also, I was wondering if people prefer the longer chapters I've been writing, or is that tedious, and would you prefer shorter chapters?

And, of course, would you **be wonderful and review**? Because I love those who do!


	9. I'm not staring

"Stop staring."

"I'm not staring."

She glanced up at him, trying to hide her scowl, and raised her eyebrow. "Oh really? Then what do you call gazing in my direction instead of doing your work?"

He grinned that horrible smirk that made her stomach churn. "Studying."

"Don't be cheeky, James," she said. He grinned wider.

"Does it bother you?" he said curiously, titling his head to the side.

"It always has. You know that. It's the reason you do it," she said tritely, turning back to her work. He stood up, and even through the corner of her eye she noticed the graceful way his body seemed to move, fluid like silk sliding and slipping. She paid no mind to the way her heart fluttered as he came into her personal space. He had a horrible habit of it really, but she tried to ignore him to the best of her ability. He looked intrusively at her body, raking his eyes over her in that intense way that made her feel as though he could see through her clothes. She felt partly insulted by the way he did it, and partly… possessed by it, as though he was looking at what was his and she could not refute it.

"Stop it," she said. He stroked his hand through her hair, and she hated the fact that it caused her shoulders to relax involuntarily.

"I like staring at you. I'm so used to you not seeing me, or apparently, pretending to not see me, that I do it out of habit, only now it's different." She could hear the smugness in his voice.

"Shove off," she grunted, pushing him away, and trying to focus back on her work.

"My mistake up until this point was that I didn't realize that you're just as infatuated with me as I am with you, and that the only reason you run away from me is because you know I'll chase you," he grinned, his arms falling on the back cushion of her chair, pinning her between them. He arched himself over her so that she couldn't see her page any longer and the only way she could look at him was to look up.

She blew at her bangs in frustration. "You're so full of yourself, James," she said in an irritated voice, but she knew the look in her eyes thrilled him, though she wasn't sure exactly what they looked like.

He dropped his face into her neck, his favorite place for his lips to rake over her skin and waste time. He always breathed in deeply when he did so and it caused shivers to run through her every time. She bit her lip and felt like clockwork under his attentions.

"Go away," she said, but couldn't help the breathy way it came out. He always smelled so good, like spice and steel and home. It intoxicated her.

"Lily, if you want to get me out of the Head's Tower so I can throw all sense of propriety out of the window and we can go snog good and proper like, you know all you have to do is ask," he said in a deviantly teasing tone.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, trying to remember what was so important before he started distracting her with his staring, but she couldn't remember anything before him.

He made an amused sound. "One day I won't have to get you away from our living quarters to ravish you," he whispered against her skin. Heat flooded through her in embarrassment, both at how forward his words were and that the idea that was so easy to picture and fantasize about in her mind. He was winding her up too much. She tried to push him away to no avail.

He had realized very quickly that if he spent some time arguing with her and getting her generally frustrated with him, he was allowed to get away with more. If he made her mindless before she had a chance to think about how they shouldn't be doing what they were doing, then he could spend hours making her breathless. He coaxed moans out her like it was his dying breath and resurrection at the same time. Though technically he hadn't done anything too forward or anything she wasn't comfortable with, he had spent a good deal of time finding where she was the most sensitive anywhere unrestricted skin was exposed, which included the inside of her wrists and the valley between her collarbone.

Her shirt, however, was entirely buttoned, and her tie in perfect place, denying him access; and if he went for her wrists now, she would know what he was trying to do, foiling his plan. He inwardly sighed and resorted to his last option. "_Please_," he said. He could practically feel her grin. She loved making him beg her, and though on some level it annoyed him, mostly (though he would never tell her) he loved when she made him. It made sense that the only person that could him beg for anything would be her.

"I suppose I have to return some books to the library…" she said and he practically jumped for joy. The library meant book stacks. Book stacks meant hours of undiscovered, uninterrupted quality time. The element of frustration of having to be quiet that he loved to use against her when he wanted to make her call out his name meant that she was in a better mood than he had thought. He wondered if it was because he alluded to the fact that one day when they were married he could do whatever he wanted with her. He rarely let thoughts like this enter his mind, mostly because he knew she would hex him black and blue if she knew some of the thoughts he had, but she seemed to like when he spoke about the future of them together.

The thought of that commitment didn't scare him like it did most boys his age. He would marry her the day after graduation if he knew she'd ever consent to it. He knew though that she would make him work for it. She'd probably want to wait until after Auror training (if they survived), and he'd probably have to wait a few years after that until they tried for children.

He pulled away from her and gathered her things. She took them out of his hands and glared at him. He grinned. He loved that he didn't have to do anything that she could do for herself. It made him _want_ to do it, in some strange way. He opened the portrait hole and waited for her to leave first. She glared. "No staring at my bum," she said sharply.

"I make no promises," he said as she walked by. Indeed, his eyes fell south as quickly as she had passed him and lingered until she noticed, though he never would have if she hadn't mentioned it. Sometimes, she made strange demands like that and for some reason he knew that what she wanted most was even more attention from him. She was much more addicted to it than she would ever admit. It made his chest constrict painfully. He knew that their relationship was different though he could never quantify how. He felt like he was only ever that pure part of himself when he was in his stag form and when she looked at him like she saw the world in him. He lived for those moments.

"Pig," she said disgusted.

"Finally," he said as she exited into the hallway, pulling her close enough to kiss. He could feel her soften beneath him and it made something deep inside him shake with an uncontrollable desire to see just what else he could make her want if only she would let him. "And I'm not a pig if I only look at _you_ like that. I'm endearing."

She snorted in disbelief. "Forgive me if I fail to see any logic in that statement," she said as she began to walk away. He caught up with her, and her free hand slipped into his. He liked when she was more forward. She had begun to open up to him some, which he knew was the hardest part. It had taken so long to build that trust that he would never do anything to jeopardize it.

"Whoever said love was logical?"

**…**

It was an early December morning when things changed. Lily had bundled up in her thickest sweater and sat curled in a chair by the fire, grinning vindictively out the icy window onto the snow dusted grounds. James was out at Quidditch practice in that and she was bundled up warm and completely comfortable. Silly male, she thought. Who would willingly choose to be flying out in that instead of holed up in her warm little haven? _James _would, her minded snickered.

She was startled out of her thoughts as he burst through the door in a right strop, not even stopping to acknowledge her presence before going to his door and closing it behind him. James _never_ closed his door.

Surprised and worried, she stumbled her way over, and knocked. "James?" she called softly. "James?!" she called a little louder, thinking he may not have heard her after receiving no response.

"Bugger off!" he cried at her through the door. For a moment she had the audacity to be shocked, before she knelt down on her knees to push her wand under the door and whisper a few choice hexes in what she supposed was his direction. She smiled smugly as he cried out. She stood up quickly as she heard him run toward the door.

He was glaring at her, his face hard and angry. She didn't care. "How dare you be so rude to me!"

"I wanted you to leave me the bloody hell alone! And hexing someone _through their door_ is not exactly _polite_ either!" He pushed passed her then and began to storm off.

"Wait!" she called. "Talk to me James! Tell me what's wrong!"

He kept walking, so she threw the Impedmentia curse at him without even thinking. He froze and she knew she was in trouble now. She walked to face his furious form. She pleaded, "I'm sorry, but I just want you to tell me what's going o-"

"Expellarimus!" he grabbed her wand and turned resolutely around. Incensed that he would think to take her wand with him, when he alone knew just what it meant to her, how it signified her whole place and person in the magical world, overruled any thought in her mind. She ran and jumped.

It wasn't by any means the neatest tackle in the world, but it was completely effective as he had not expected it in the least. He dropped the wands and he struggled with her as she began to pin him. After a moment, it became clear that she had indeed spread herself so awkwardly over him that he could not move without hurting her.

"Get off me," he said, his voice dangerously quiet, "or I'll _make_ you."

For a moment she looked surprised, before she looked absolutely furious. Her jaw clenched and she tightened her hold. The only way James could get her to move was to physically heave her off of him. Though she didn't doubt that with his upper arm strength he could quite manage it without a sweat, she did doubt that he could do it without causing her some serious harm, and that, she knew, he would never do, no matter how upset and irrational he was. He sighed angrily and closed his eyes. She brought her forehead down to rest on his. She could feel the anguish radiating from him. His face was so contorted with emotion she closed her eyes. He groaned a loud frustrated noise.

"I just hate this! Nothing is going right, right now! Remus has been acting funny lately and none of us can get him to talk about whatever's bothering him. If Peter hasn't disappeared completely then he and Sirius are having a row every other breath, but Remus won't intervene because he's in his own thing, and I can't intervene because my opinion holds no weight with Sirius anymore! I just can't believe that we've split so far apart and I don't even know about _what_. I mean, obviously, the fact that we're finally together is a part of it, but I didn't think that it would destroy seven years of brotherhood! And that's not fair to say, because it isn't _just_ us and it's not _you_, and I don't want you to feel guilty. It's just... there are things that I wish I could talk to them about. The dynamics between us just worked out before and now everything doesn't anymore and I can't fix it!

I wish Sirius could give pointers on what to do about the team because they're all flying like first-years and they're completely uncoordinated and unchoreographed and we're going to get flattened by the Slytherins! I wish Peter would sneak down to the kitchens with me so we don't feel bad about eating everyone else's food at dinner! I wish Remus could do his chessboard reenactments of the Goblin Rebellions so I could remember what the hell they're about so I'm not failing every exam and falling asleep in class because I can't sleep at night! Things are just…falling apart, and I _really_ don't want it to be. The worst part is that I can't do anything to fix it."

She lifted her face for a minute away from him, her red hair slipping across his cheeks, before she leaned back down and kissed him. He let the feeling of it wash away everything for a moment, before logic returned to him and he pulled away. "We can't here," he said painfully, glaring at the ceiling of the common room, as though it was its' fault they were there and not anywhere else in the castle. She placed light kisses along his jaw line as though she had not heard.

"Lily," he said sharply and with surprise as she began to softly maul his neck with her mouth as though it was the most commonplace thing in the world. Her chest slid down his a bit as she repositioned her body to give herself better access, one of her hands sliding into its favorite place in his hair. The feeling of her straddling him, pinning him, kissing him like there was nothing more important, like she had forever to luxuriously devour him, flooded through him sharply and painfully. He tried to say something, anything, but whatever it was came out as a choked noise. He could feel her grin against his skin and he trembled uncontrollably.

His breathing hitched. Rarely did she try anything, let alone anything like this, and it was not as though he had felt his investments were unreciprocated. She was shy and new at giving into the parts of her that for so long she had been taught to ignore, but right now it appeared she had no problem shutting up that part of her, and it was doing things to him that he couldn't control.

He did the only thing he could think of: he rolled. For a brief flash his intense eyes locked with her surprised ones, before she couldn't look at him, her face coloring a deep red that matched her hair. "I'm sorry," she whispered. He wanted to pull away from her, but for a moment was stuck.

"Don't be sorry," he whispered back to her. "That was…" If it was possible, she looked more embarrassed so he didn't continue as he was rather sure she knew exactly what that was. He helped her stand, and for a moment his hand wove into her hair and he lost all concept of the fact he was the one trying to stop anything. He began to pull her close, her raspberry lips slightly parted and moist from her tongue threatening all sense of rationality, but he sharply pushed her away.

"You need to leave," he said, surprised at how clear his words were. His body painfully disagreed. His body did not want her to go anywhere other than closer. She nodded and turned rather quickly to leave. For a moment, she paused at the door.

"I wanted to help you," she said. "I want to help you."

He didn't quite know what she meant, but she didn't explain any further. She left, and the moment the door closed, he let out the most aggravated groan of all.

**…**

"I need to speak with you Black," she said, barely containing her stature. He glanced over at her, and then back to the girl he was talking to, completely ignoring her presence entirely.

"Should I start assigning you a detention slip for every minute you delay this, or would you rather I just started restricting your curfew and Hogsmeade weekends?" she bit out sharply. He glared fire at her, but excused the intrusion to the girl and promised to meet up with her later.

"What?" he bit at her as soon as the hallway was empty and prepared to house a battlefield.

"I realize that this situation probably requires some delicacy, but I'm not a delicate girl, and you sure as all hell don't need to be coddled and babied any more than you have been!" She wasn't sure if he looked so surprised because she cursed or because she called him a baby. "If you hate me, then fine! And if you hate the fact that James and I are dating, then that's fine as well! But it _isn't_ fair for you to take any of that out on James! It's not like his affections for me have _ever_ been a secret to either one of us, so it's not as though this has come as a shock to you. You are _killing_ James right now with the way you're acting. All he ever talks about when it comes to you is how _sorry_ he is, like he did something _wrong_ when it's _your_ problem! Everything about him is uncoordinated. It's like he's got his left arm severed off!"

"James is right-handed," Sirius muttered angrily after a minute.

She sighed loudly and threw up her arms in frustration. "I know! But Muggles have a saying that it's the left hand of the devil that does the most destruction, and I have no allusions that you bring out the most mischievousness in James!"

"What are you saying? Can't please your boyfriend on your own? You want my _help_ turning him back into the miscreant you cow-toed all the time to bring the _spark_ back to your relationship? Bugger off, Evans," he said cruelly.

"You are _not_ who I thought you were!" she said, unable to help the disgusted sound in her voice.

"And what exactly was _that_? Something positive, _I'm sure._ Don't tell me you're _disappointed_? That I didn't meet your _expectations_? What a shame that must be for you," he turned to leave, but her dark tone froze him in his tracks.

"I thought you were the kind of person who _cared_ about his friends, but you're not! You're cold-hearted and you don't care if those who care about you more than anything are in pain or suffering! You're not anything like James!"

He whirled around and cut her off. "You're right! I'm nothing like _James_. I can see right through you and your little fake attentions for him!"

"I _love_ him!" The words flew out and hung in the air between them for a long moment of silence where neither of them knew quite what to say, slightly unsure she had actually yelled such a thing and slightly sure it was at the very least true. She took a deep breath and composed herself. "And I had _thought_ that you did too. But I guess I was mistaken."

She turned and left, leaving a very frustratingly pensive Sirius Black in her wake.

**…**

"What did you say to him?" Lily was startled out of her paperwork by James pulling her to her feet and twirling her around.

"James!" she laughed. He slowed and hugged her tightly.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"For what?" she said, confused and pleased. He pulled back and looked at her in complete gratitude.

"For whatever you said to Sirius. He actually _apologized_ to me for acting like a prat. I don't think Sirius has ever apologized for anything –based off principle alone, if not his stubborn pride. Things are great. We spent the whole afternoon on the pitch, working things out for the team, and we've made all these wonderful plans for tonight –full moon, you know? It's going to be glorious! Just like it used to be! And I have you to thank. What _did_ you say to him? I mean I know you're a witch, but this is godly!"

"I didn't say anything," she said, turning away from him.

His face fell. "I thought you spoke to him," he said slowly after a minute.

"How did you know that?" she asked, wrapping her arms around herself. It was _good_ they were friends again, she told herself. It was _good_ she had fixed this. It was _good_ that the one real thing that could turn James away from her was now willing to be his best friend again. What had she done? What had she done? It was all his fault. He drove her absolutely crazy.

"He told me," he said warily. "He said that you were the reason he realized he was being an idiot. Sirius is a lot of things, but he usually gives credit where credit is due."

"Oh," she said. She felt his hands come to her elbows. She turned so he would stop touching her. She had better get used to not having his touch on her anymore. When had she become so dependent on it for warmth and security? She shook the stupid thoughts from her head. One breath at a time. Nothing had transpired yet. They still had the next couple of night for James to realize he didn't want her, didn't he?

She couldn't help the tears burning in the back of her eyes. She didn't want to lose this. Not yet. She wanted…she wanted…she wanted –

"What did you say?" he demanded once more. There was no distracting him this time.

Her voice was hoarse and her throat had closed so tight she had to fight to choke the words out. She hated that she could feel her face getting splotchy like it always did when she was going to cry horribly. "I told him I loved you."

She had never seem him look so surprised, so winded by anything before. She hated that it looked exactly as she felt, but took a sick satisfaction in that somehow. He blinked several times, shaking his head, and the choked sob she had been trying desperately to hold back pathetically slipped through her lips. She was wrapped up in him before she could take her next breath, his hands soothing her back and whispering over and over to her that he loved her too, oh god he loved her too.

Somehow the words made her body lose grip on itself and collapse into him, though the tears and tightness slipped away, as though she had just been waiting for him to tell her that everything he was could be hers if she wanted, that he was just as entwined and unsure and awkward and _happy _as she was.

"I love you," he said in her hair and to the air surrounding them. "I love you," he said, and for the first time, she really heard him.

**…**

The trio made their way under the invisibility cloak across the grounds towards the Weeping Willow. Peter transformed and slid under its branches, and James made to leave the cloak and transform as well. Sirius took out his wand, and was about to wipe the map clean when to his surprise, he saw his own name written on the map. Now, this was normally not a very startling feet. However, his name was written on the map _twice_ and one was back in the castle, standing near Lily Evans.

"Hey mates," Sirius whispered. "I just realized I've forgotten something. Go on ahead to meet Moony. I'll be there in a jiff."

James nodded his massive head once in a regal gesture in the direction of Sirius's voice, before turning beneath the frozen tree branches. Sirius wasted no time and raced back up to where his 'other half' was waiting.

"You horrible little mudblood. You don't deserve him, you realize that? You're a cruel tease, and I can't wait until he knows it!"

Sirius stopped in surprise at his own voice, his own figure. He looked _scary_, and Lily held her wand before her in defense, though she seemed paralyzed by his words…or the words of the Sirius look-alike.

At first, he thought perhaps it was the work of a polyjuice potion, but the map guarded against that, and something else seemed off too. Lily Evans was no "delicate girl", as she had so aptly described herself, and definitely not one he'd want to meet in a dark corner late at night, let alone taunt while she was holding a wand to his throat and his was nowhere in sight. The words coming out of his twin also seemed too familiar to be coincidence. The facts suddenly slipped into place.

"Riddikulus!" Sirius cried with a swish of his wand, and he looked up at himself in shock, before disappearing in a wisp of smoke.

A boggart, Lily's mind told her. It had only been…a boggart. And the _real_ Sirius was standing before her, having just witnessed her incredibly atrocious display.

"You're the most afraid of _me_?" he said. She blushed a deep dark red and glared at him. Why did it have to be _him_ that had found her? He barked out in mocking laughter and then grinned at her, sinister and twisted.

"You know that right now, Evans," he said darkly, but almost mundanely, "there's a dark lord rising. Some people even fear to speak his name, and do you know that more than anything, he hates muggles and muggleborns? One day, he's going to come after you and everyone you know and love."

"I've heard of him," she said, as he loomed over her.

"Yet you fear me more than anything?" he barked, sick amusement plastered on his face. She did not know that he was thinking of his family, and the looks on their faces if they could only see him at that moment, when _he_ was more feared than their precious dark lord. "Why?" he demanded.

"Because James cares for and trusts you more than he does anyone, and I'm terrified that…" her voice wavered under his deep penetrating stare.

"That what?" he said, and something in his tone and haughty attitude reminded her of James when he was full of himself and she needed to knock him down a peg or two. She lifted her chin and found her voice.

"There are plenty of things to be afraid of in this world, many of which I probably fear irrationally and cowardly," she said, and forcefully held back the hot tears burning in her eyes. "But the thing that I fear the _most_, is that the one person, whose life I've become so deeply entwined with that I cannot conceive of my future life without him, could listen to what you believe of me, and decide that you're _right_. That I'm not worth anything near what he deserves."

Whatever look was on Sirius's face slipped away, and there was a long moment of silence where she didn't know what was going to happen.

"James is my best mate. When we first started at Hogwarts, I didn't have any friends. You see, I wasn't supposed to be sorted into Gryffindor. I was suppose to be in Slytherin, just like the rest of my family since its creation," he said with a bitter smile. "For the first few weeks of school, I was bullied, only not like we tease Snivellus, but serious torture. Seventh year Death Eaters who, by my parent's wishes, tortured me every chance they got for disappointing them. How could a brave little Gryffindor grow up to be a helpful servant of the dark lord who was going to bring about the _right kind_ of changes needed in our society?" Sirius looked away and Lily didn't know what to say.

"Have you ever been under the Cruciatus Curse?" he asked suddenly. She shook her head, but he was not looking at her.

"No," she managed to whisper.

"It feels like every particle in your body is trying to rip its way out of you, only your skin is holding it too tightly in, and all you can think about, if you can think at all, is that you would rather have your skin pulled off your bones than have to continue feeling like that."

He looked up at her then, a deeply haunted look in his eyes. "James could have walked away that night that he stumbled upon us. They hadn't seen him…but he didn't. He walked around that corner, completely in command of himself – though he had to have been scared shitless at the time. He raised his wand, and told them to let me go. They laughed at him, of course, for about three seconds."

He was grinning as he told the story, a distant sound of grateful wonderment in his voice. "When I was let out of the curse, we were incredible. It was like we had been brothers, separated at birth. We fought like it had been practiced and choreographed. Growing up as I had, I knew just as much if not more dark magic than those prats and was capable of using it, but fighting beside James was…inspiring. All four of them were in the hospital wing for a week, unable to get rid of the tentacles sprouting out of their head. He didn't use dark magic. He didn't _need_ to.

I've never respected anyone, or cared for anyone, like I do James. What he did for me that night was such a small piece when I look back now at everything. What he's done for me, what he's done for Remus, and Peter and everyone who has ever met him…James deserves whatever he wants, and if he wants you, then you _are_ the best, Evans.

That night I was angry, because James is a prat – I'll give you that – but I can't imagine how I'd be _alive_ without him, let alone the well-adjusted slightly-self-impressed youth you see before you today." The smile on Sirius's face was ironic.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had thrown herself around him in a hug. "I'm not trying to steal him away from you," she said. After an obviously surprised moment, his hands slipped around her, and though they held her awkwardly, they still held her.

"You already have," he whispered to her. She pulled back to refute what he said, but the look on his face told her that nothing she could say would possibly change his mind. She didn't know what to do.

"I have to go," he said. She nodded, and stepped away. He began to walk off, when suddenly something struck her.

"Black!" she called. He turned. "Thirty points for Gryffindor, for eliminating that Boggart."

"Keep that up," he said grinning, "and you'll ruin my reputation!"

She smiled and left, gazing up at the full moon as she passed by the window, and said a prayer for Remus. He may have been a dark creature right then, but she had learned over the past year that sometimes those were the ones that needed hope and kindness the most.

**…**

**AN**: hiokay, so a few things. One, lot of l/j action in this chapter. A LOT. This does not mean they will be sleeping together. This is still the 1970s, but I know you all love smut, otherwise why would you be reading this? This is probably the most graphic things are going to get though. I still feel like this was pushing the envelope of believablilty. Oh well. I think that parts of this come across as a little OC, which is actually intended because I wanted that to reflect the fact that even and especially when two people get together who are very enamored with one another, it can be very hard and awkward to set boundaries at first. This will be addressed next chapter, so please don't complain about this.

Two, I want to address that I write this because it is fun to write, and though I do appreciate the feedback, I write this for ME. If I don't have time because I am overloaded, I am not going to make myself sick like I have in the past three weeks just to make sure I'm getting everything done. Because pneumonia sucks, and as much as I love this story, it is not a main commitment in my life right now. SO: it will get updated as it gets updated. I'm sorry to those who are disappointed by this. I don't want you to give up hope, but I do want to be realistic.

Three, I am pretty sure that I have read over every single review at least three times, and I just want to thank those who HAVE appreciated (and expressed their appreciation) of my lil fic. Those who haven't and felt the need to tell me, well, I understand your stance and I'll do what I can to improve, though I think that if you don't like the James and Lily pairing, you shouldn't let that reflect on your judgement of the fic if you are going to read it in the first place. This is not suppose to be criticism, it is just my personal practice.

Anyhoo, whatever you think, **please** **review!** ::passes out cookies…and hordes a few for herself…what? cookies are good!::


	10. You can't promise forever

"What are you working on that's got you so frazzled?" he asked after she let out a particularly disgruntled noise.

"Nothing," she said sharply, pulling her paperwork closer so he couldn't get a peek. She had hundreds of books piled around her, and had been working at a frantic pace all day.

"Lily, oh love of mine, it's _Saturday,_" he said meaningfully.

"If you're bored with me, the go spend it with Sirius. I _really_ have to work on this, James," she said.

He sighed loudly. "I'm going to see nothing but Sirius for the entire Christmas break. I'm not going to see you for two weeks. Anyway, it's the last weekend before break. What can you possibly be working on so hard?"

"I told you it was nothing. Can't you drop it?" she said sharply, not even looking up from her work. "I thought you'd like to spend some time with your friends a bit. You've been neglecting them lately."

"I have not. And if it really is nothing, then why does it take precedence over me? If you'd just explain why then maybe I wouldn't feel so rejected," he mumbled. She always made him feel like he had to beg her for her attention when he lavished his upon her. She looked up at him, and though he tried to school his expression into polite exasperation, he could not help how pitiful he probably looked.

"Oh James, I'm sorry. It isn't you," she said regretfully, putting her papers down and coming over to him. He pulled her against him from his seated position, burying his face in her stomach as her hand came to stroke through his hair. She kissed the top of his head, and hated how comfortable he felt there. It always felt comfortable when he was touching her, and she always felt so terrified when she touched him. "It's not fair," she whispered.

"What's not fair?" he asked against her skin. She started, and he realized she had not meant for him to hear her. He looked up at her before pulling her down next to him. "What's going on Lily? And I won't have any of this 'nothing' business," he said, suddenly very serious.

She tried to control her frustration, but it was so hard. "Oh," she said, before sighing. "I'm just acting like an idiot, that's all."

He gave her a look that clearly said she wasn't getting off that easily.

"You're always so sure about everything you do. You're always so confident. I'm not like that. I don't know what it means when I touch you. I don't know how to make you feel like you make me feel. I want you to respect me and respect the choices that I make, but I want you to know that I care so much it hurts, and I want…I want you to want me. It's unfair because I want you to know where there are boundaries between us, but I have no clue where they are myself. I wish I could be certain that I wasn't losing you every time I push you away or tell you to stop, because I don't want to stop, but we can't just keep going. I want to wait until I'm married for that. I'm a good girl and a prude. I know that, and I know that you know that, but it's so much harder being with you than I thought it would be. Part of me knows that you've never been one to regard rules as rules before, and part of me knows that you're man of moral character who would wait if I asked you to. It's just that I'm so much more terrified that I'm going to screw this up somehow and it isn't going to work out. I'm so terrified that you're going to look at me, and finally see me, and realize that this whole time you were just under a spell, that you didn't really mean or want any of it. Because that's what it feels like."

He pulled her to his chest, and even though there was still more that she needed to say, she buried herself under his chin and his hand stroked her hair. It wasn't fair that she needed him so much when he was so incredibly perfect without her.

"It not your fault I haven't been clear with you. I just didn't want to scare you away. You're really rather like Sirius when it comes to commitment: you have to ease him into the idea of it, or better yet make him think it was his idea, if you want a snowball's chance in hell. I just figured that explaining to you that we're getting married was going to take more than a few months to settle in."

He braced his body for impact from assault, but only felt her bury into him tighter. He wasn't sure what that meant, so he continued on. "And I don't mind waiting until then. I expected it actually, until you suggested otherwise. I don't want there to be pressure on you from me in that regard. It's taken me forever to be able to say that you're my girl, and yes, I want to kiss you, and yes, I want to touch you, and yes, I think about what it would be like. It's frustrating when you say stop, but don't think for a minute that I wouldn't, or that I want too much too fast. I don't want you to be afraid to express what you want. If you want me to do something, or if you want to do something, then tell me. After all this, there's no possible way I could think you're easy," he teased, and he felt as she kissed his neck. His eyes slipped closed at the gesture.

"As for how I make you feel, you make me feel the same way. I get so excited I feel like I must look like an idiot. Sometimes you look at me, just _look_ at me, and heart contracts so painfully I'd swear I was dying. I'm so nervous when I'm with you; I've never been this nervous about anything. I'm so afraid you're finally going to say that it's just some prank to get me back for all these years, and it's going to kill me. I wish I could say I have absolute faith in you, that you mean it when you say you love me, but I think that not ever completely knowing it for sure is part of being in a relationship."

"I don't like the idea of it all James. I can't live like this: complete trust, but lingering doubt," she whispered. He bit his lip, and slid his hand down into hers. They stared at their fingers that played with one another's.

"What are you saying?" he whispered, not sure he really wanted to ask that. She pushed herself away from him so she could look him in the eye, and braced her arms against his chest. He looked nervous. As nervous as she felt. She smiled, remembering when she once believed he didn't get nervous. She watched as he seemed to relax under her gaze and smile. She marveled at that, as she always did. She wondered if that would ever go away.

"I'm saying that I love you. I don't ever want you to think that I would intentionally hurt you. I want you to have complete trust in me, without any doubts. I don't want you to think that any other boy has ever or will ever have my attention and devotion the way you do. I want to have complete trust in you, that you mean it when you say you love me and you mean it when you say you're going to marry me. What I'm saying is that I want to promise myself to you James, and I want…"

"You want me to promise myself to you?"

"You don't have to. You have so much more reason to doubt me, and I don't want you to anymore. It's selfish, but I'll do whatever it takes to prove it to you," she said. "If you want it. If you want me."

He kissed her, his haze of want that always hung in the back of his mind rushing forward like a tidal wave. She could feel the need in his grip on her arm, and for once wasn't afraid of what was happening. She kissed him back, her full attention on the way his lips savored hers. She twisted her fingers into her favorite part of his hair as she fell on top of him, unafraid for the first time of what exactly she was doing, and reveling in how it made him groan beneath her.

He was the first to pull away from her, their breath ragged. His dark eyes burrowed its way deep inside of her and there were no secrets between them. "I promise Lily. You. Always you. Only you."

"I promise James. Only you. Always you. Always." His eyes, if possible, darkened. His hand came to her face.

"Tell me you love me," he demanded, his eyes sliding down to her lips.

"I love you," she said, meaning it with every particle of her being. She expected him to kiss her again, eager and sure, but he didn't. He sighed as his fingers caressed her cheek and his eyes ravaged her features, remembering his promise of gentlemanly behavior.

"Is all this why you've been avoiding me then?" he said, trying to steer his thoughts away.

"I haven't been avoiding you," she said evasively.

He frowned. "Then what is it you've been working on?"

"I'm so embarrassed to have to say this, but…I'm working on my Auror application."

"What?" he asked surprised. "But I finished that ages ago."

She glared and sat up. "Well you were raised in this world, weren't you? So you know when your first magic was and you know if you're a Manjingal. I don't even know what half of these things _are_ let alone whether or not I _am_ one. And now I've put everything off to the last minute because you've been such a distraction –a wonderful, wonderful distraction – but I can't, it's just that I, I don't want this to be how things are. I don't want to sacrifice my future for…for…"

"For a distraction," he said in an amused voice.

"You know that's not what I meant!" she said defensively.

"Why didn't you just ask me for help?" he asked, and then felt stupid. It was Lily. His stubborn, know-it-all, independent, Lily. She never would have asked him for help, especially not on something she was working so hard on doing for herself. He sighed.

"You're going to let me help you and you don't have a choice in the matter."

She was about to protest when suddenly, the portrait hole swung open and Sirius casually walked through. He walked over and flung himself onto a chair.

"'Lo," he said.

"What are you doing in here?" Lily asked, though she was surprised to find that she was more curious than upset at the intrusion.

He looked over at her with a mild expression. "Well since you and James aren't going to be getting any action while you're in here, I figured that not only was it safe, it was damn well selfish of you to not invite me around. I was just on my way to the kitchens and thought I'd stop by and see if either of you wanted anything."

"Sirius," James said sternly, casting glances between the two of them, half-terrified, half-imposing.

"You told Sirius about that?" she asked James, and he gaped at her amused tone.

"Didn't mean to let it slip to be sure. I was razzing him about your sleeping quarters and all that," Sirius said, grinning roguishly. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Well I'd love a cup of tea and some scones if you don't mind terribly," she said.

"Right-o," Sirius said. "Anything for you mate?"

The expression on James's face was priceless. "Hold up! How did you figure out the password? Since when have you two been on speaking terms with one another? And what do you mean it was selfish? It's our room!"

She couldn't help it. Her eyes caught with Sirius's, and seeing the merry amusement that lit up his whole face in the same way as it did James, she began to giggle. James glared at her, which only made her laugh outright and Sirius join in.

"This isn't funny," James said, trying to retain his severe features, but failed as he began laughing too.

"Lily and I just realized that it wasn't fair making you choose between us. And I've known the password for ages; I just didn't want to be impolite. This has been the most coveted room by the Marauder's for years, based on sheer difficulty and isolation alone. Bollocks to that whole privacy thing. Since when has there been any such thought of that between us?"

"I, well, never, but this is different!" James said. He was incredibly happy the two of them were getting on because they knew how much it would mean to him, but he needed Sirius to realize that Lily was also his roommate and that changed things. He hoped Sirius would realize this before Lily had the opportunity to comment on it herself. He rather liked the décor without bloodstains.

"Why? Because a bird lives here too? Listen, James, you've been after Lily for so long that it's not even possible for me to see her as female, so don't worry about that." He stood up. "The usual then?"

"What?" James asked, confused as to the change of topic.

"From the kitchens? Try to pay attention James," Sirius teased.

"Yes, fine," James said, but before he could turn the conversation back to the problem, Sirius had exited the portrait hole. "Lily," James said, wearily turning to her.

She smiled. "It's okay James. I don't mind if Sirius has access to our common room. It's not as though I leave my door open, and for as much as he's lewd, he wouldn't walk in on me using the lavatory or some other nonsense."

"You're…" James said, unable to encompass everything he wanted to say in just a word. She raised an eyebrow. He pulled her into his arms, pillowing her against him, sighing softly. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

She snuggled into his embrace, closing her eyes. "I told you I wanted to help. I care about you, and though Sirius and I may not have gotten on too well in the past, it isn't fair of us to force you to divide your time between us. Besides, I'm beginning to realize that he's different from what I thought he was."

"Lily," he whispered. "_Thank_ you."

She smiled, and hid her trepidations about their tentative attempts at camaraderie.

**…**

When Sirius walked in on them still cuddling a bit later, she was glad he didn't make any comments nor show any outward sign of disgust or revulsion. Sirius just lay his bundles on one of the tables before sprawling himself over a chair and beginning to dig in.

"They were out of the chocolate custards, Prongs, but the blueberry scones, Lily, are divine," he said. They sat down and Lily poured tea from the kettle he had somehow managed to carry, into a couple cups, adding sugar and milk where requested.

"Listen Sirius, don't think that you can just drop by any time you want," James said as Lily passed him a cup, and Sirius raised an eyebrow at him as he devoured a biscuit.

"You're just lucky I haven't decided to take up permanent residence here with the way the others have been."

"Is Remus feeling better?" Lily asked concerned. Sirius seemed surprised at her inquiry, but answered casually.

"Yeah. He's usually off for a few days afterwards, but he's fine now," he said. James continued to watch the two of them, waiting for a break in their façade where he would have to intervene.

"No, I know that. I mean, well, James mentioned that Remus has been a bit reclusive lately, and I just wondered…" Lily said, unsure of how welcome her curiosity and concern would be. Sirius eyed her for a long moment, before finally speaking carefully.

"The thing about Remus is that this year for him is different than it is for us. At the end of this year, we get to go out into the world and make something of ourselves. All of this year is just preparation for that. You filled out your Auror application right?" Sirius asked. Startled that he would know she was applying at all, she nodded. She wondered if he was applying as well.

"Sort of. I'm still working on a few parts," she said embarrassed. Sirius quirked a smile at the fact that she had slacked off on it, but wisely didn't comment.

"Well have you answered question number 17?" He said, grimacing. Lily frowned, trying to remember. Sirius recited, "'Are you a werewolf? If so, were you bitten or were you born as such? Are you registered with the Ministry of Magic of Britain? If not, please request the appropriate forms before continuing.'"

"If he lies about it and is found out," James explained, "then it's worse for him than if he just admits it right out. But if he admits it right out, he won't get the job and then he'll be on file with the Ministry, which means that any job he does apply for, his employer is going to be notified."

"But that's discrimination!" Lily said angrily.

"That's the real world," Sirius said harshly. "So no, Remus isn't doing much better, because the closer the end of the year comes, the closer he is to having no where to go."

"I had no idea it was that terrible for him. I knew that the magical world was close-minded on the subject of half-breeds and unfortunate diseases, but I never thought that they could actually stop them from employment. Why isn't there anyone standing up against this?"

Sirius looked at James for a moment with a dark look, before speaking carefully. "There is someone."

"Really, that's wonderful." Lily was surprised at the look on Sirius's face as she said this. "What? Who is it?"

"Lily," James said softly, unsure of quite how to broach the subject, especially because he knew how tetchy Sirius was about it.

"No, James, she should know. If she's going to be an Auror, she should know," Sirius said, and James looked at him in surprise, but nodded.

"What are you talking about? What does equal rights have to do with me becoming an Auror?" she asked.

"Voldemort," he let the name hang in the air between the three of them.

"But I thought…I thought he would be against something like that," Lily said.

James let out a frustrated sigh. "What you have to understand is this: he may believe in the supposed purification of the wizarding world, but he knows that he can't just storm the Ministry with a handful of wizards and declare his dictatorship. He'll do it slowly, and he'll do it in such a way that many people won't know what he's really after until it's too late."

"He'll make grand promises," Sirius said, "to the kind of people and creatures that have been neglected by our society so they'll become his allies. Giants and goblins, sure, but it won't just be the really dangerous ones. It will be the half-breeds, it will be the vampires, it will be the werewolves that will be the hardest to fight because they'll be so sure that you're against them and their equality, and not him, not his sick and twisted ideals."

"I had no idea…"

"Still so sure about becoming an Auror? It's not as black and white as they try to make it seem, is it? You won't just be fighting evil out there. You'll be fighting people who genuinely believe they're right, just like you do," Sirius said darkly. Lily's face became stern.

"Yes," she said. "Because I can't allow others to be hurt because of misconceptions and unjust actions."

"Well _that_ I believe," Sirius said, grinning and stretching his back.

"But if what you're saying is true, then the hardest fighting won't be ours. It will be in the hearts of people like Remus, who have to be able look past those temporary promises of a better life. I don't know that I would be strong enough, if put in the same place," Lily said softly.

A look passed between James and Sirius. "I'm not worried about Remus," James said after a moment. "He's on our side and he always will be."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to use the word 'always'?" Sirius said angrily.

"Why?" Lily said sharply, reminded of her earlier promise with James.

"Because you can't promise forever. You never know how people are going to change, how situations make people change. You shouldn't promise things you can't guarantee," he said.

"Maybe you just haven't found something you can have total faith in," Lily said. For a moment, James was tense, and without realizing it, his hand wrapped around his wand in preemptive action.

"That's easy for you to say," Sirius said. "You're in love."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked confused.

"Everyone who is in love," he said, his eyes deepening in the same way James's did when she saw an infinite abyss in them, "everyone who is truly happy wants to believe in forever."

"And you don't?" she asked surprised.

"I'm just like you," he said, and glanced at James with an amused grin, "I know that I have something to lose, and the only guarantee I have is that it's inevitable."

"But the thing about eternity is you have time to get it back," she said. "I believe in forever because it's too painful to think that this moment of happiness is the only time I'll ever know it."

Sirius looked startled. He looked at James for a long moment, where words flew between them without anything spoken aloud. Lily marveled as she watched this exchange, having no clue what it was about. Finally, Sirius looked back at her. "You know what, I think you're right. Maybe you can promise forever."

**…**

"I hear you beat Sirius," Remus said. Lily looked at him in confusion as she gathered her things to leave Charms.

"What do you mean?" she asked, pushing some hair from her face. Though it annoyed her to no end growing it out longer, James seemed to like it, and so she did not mind quite so much.

"I've argued with Sirius for seven years, and though often times I will have a plethora of information on the topic, I never win. The only person that Sirius will ever listen to with any amount of interest or respect is James. On a rare occasion he'll also listen to Dumbledore. Over the years, I've come to accept this as one of his quirks, and though I might be slightly jealous, I've come to offer you my congratulations," Remus said wryly, walking with her to Transfiguration.

"Thank you," Lily said softly, after a moment to digest the announcement.

"I'm impressed. If I beat Sirius, I'd probably loudly and obnoxiously laugh and dance in his face," Remus said.

Lily laughed. "I can't imagine you dancing around, let alone in a loud and obnoxious manner."

Remus grimaced in agreement as they walked into the classroom to see Sirius and James already seated and flicking miniature firecrackers at one another with their fingers, using their textbooks as walls of defense, and occasionally singeing some of their hair when they did not duck an attack in time. "It's amazing the qualities immature friends bring out in a person."

Lily smiled, and looked over to see a serious expression on his face.

"It's strange to think that who I am has probably only encouraged their behavior," he said frowning. Lily placed a hand on his arm, startling him.

"Probably," she said. "But I don't think that it's done anything but good."

"Lily," he said, grinning in a decidedly wolfish manner, "thanks. I know you don't meant a single word of it, but thanks."

**…**

"Hey," Sirius said, cutting off her conversation with Dorcus and Marlene. Lily looked to him and smiled.

"Hey," she said. Dorcus tried not to look entirely floored that they had just spoken two words to each other that were not hexes of destruction. She was not succeeding very well.

"Listen, Emmeline Vance is going to come down the hall behind me in a minute, and I really don't want to talk to her right now. Do you mind if I hang with you? I was just on my way to the Great Hall," he said.

"Sure. We were just about to head that way ourselves. Why are you hiding from Emmeline?" Lily asked teasingly.

Sirius grinned guiltily. "No reason really," he tried to pass off.

Lily suddenly remembered that day outside Charms when James was speaking with her. "I thought she fancied James anyway," she said, trying to sound casual herself.

Sirius laughed. "Nah, she was talking to him to get information about me. Girls do that sometimes. Pisses James right off. He thinks they're interested in him or they're just being friendly or some other rubbish. 'Suppose it doesn't really matter seeing as he's always been head over arse for you, but it's really frustrating for him. It's a real turn off for me too. What kind of person uses someone like that? It's just low. If she wanted to know whatever it was about me, then why didn't she just come to me to find out?" he said.

"I'm sure she wasn't thinking about it like that. She's probably shy. So that's why you don't want to talk with her? I'm surprised you're avoiding her just for that. She's very pretty and obviously interested. Why don't you at least spend some time with her, and you know, have some…fun?"

Sirius gaped, and turned to Dorcus. "Did you just hear the Head Girl tell me to go off and senselessly snog with someone?"

Lily laughed, and Dorcus shook her head. "You know, I think you did," Dorcus said in amazement. Sirius pointedly ignored the evil look Marlene was sending his way.

"Well, I'll have you know Miss Evans, that I wouldn't want to get involved with her because she'd want it to be some whole big affair. She'd want to be a couple, like you and James," Sirius said dismissively.

"What's wrong with that? James did mention you were afraid of commitment, but I didn't realize it was such a serious affliction," Lily said teasingly.

Sirius glared over at her out of the corner of his eye. "You're one to talk," he quipped back, and she grinned. "It's not commitment really. I was just born a male. I don't have to wait around, hoping some Prince Charming will come along and whisk me away. I don't need to be in a relationship to validate my existence, like so many girls are taught to believe. Don't get me wrong; I'm always up for a little harmless snogging here and there with the right partner who knows it's nothing more than that. But I'm not going to play around with some girl's heart. That's just sick," he said.

Lily was suddenly reminded of that night when Sirius had called her a cruel tease for her (what he believed to be false) interest in James, and she realized that Sirius was a lot more noble than she had given him credit for. He honestly believed in living his life based on the principles he saw as right. Though sometimes his standards were a bit skewed, she felt a kinship with that, and smiled at him.

When they reached the Gryffindor table, Sirius waved and settled down next to Remus, while the girls seated themselves a bit further up.

"What was that all about?" Marlene asked. "Since when have you been on friendly terms with Sirius Black?"

Lily shrugged and looked away, beginning to fill up her plate. She really didn't feel like having to explain herself to Marlene right then. Alice came by, still reviewing some notes in her hand, before sitting next to Lily.

"I really didn't appreciate his macho little speech about why he thinks its okay to use girls. I can't believe you didn't say anything. Were you just trying to be polite?" Marlene pressed.

"What are we talking about?" Alice interrupted confused.

"Lily and Sirius Black's newfound friendship," Marlene said tightly.

"Oh," said Alice. "I'm glad you're making an effort Lily. I think it's really mature of you, and I'm sure James appreciates it."

"Thanks Alice," Lily said quietly, not needing to look in Marlene's direction to know there was a scowl on her features.

"Of course," Marlene said through clenched teeth. "What do I know? I'm only your best friend. It makes sense that I'm the only person whose looking at you as though you've completely changed because I'm the only one who knows you well enough to know that you have!"

"You're right!" Lily said exasperated. "I _have_ changed. I'm in a relationship, and part of that means that I have to compromise who I am for the happiness of the person I care about! I thought that _being_ my best friend meant that you would understand that!"

Marlene looked like she had been slapped across the face. For a moment she opened her mouth as if to say something, before she shook her head. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Lily sighed and reached across the table to squeeze Marlene's hand. "I don't expect you to change your opinions of him just because I might. I just want you to see that it's okay for my perspectives of people to change."

"I do," Marlene said and sighed. "I do understand that."

**…**

"Lily, just let me help you with it," James said determinedly.

"No," she replied, not looking up from her game of chess with Sirius. It was late and they were lounged around the blazing fire. Sirius had been begun to regularly come by, and Lily was pleased to find that not only was he much more pleasant company than she ever could have imagined, he also seemed to balance out the awkwardness of being with James all of the time. It took her focus away from their relationship, and brought to the forefront the things she got together with James for. They laughed and talked, played games and read, entertained one another and in turn were entertained.

"James, if she wants to do it herself, let her do it herself," Sirius said, moving his rook. She also was delighted to find that he had no problem taking her side in an argument if he believed she had a valid point.

"You haven't seen the hordes of books she's got! She's hidden the damn things in her room so I can't help! She'd be done in under an hour if she'd just let me go over the questions with her, but she's being stubborn," James said frustrated.

"I'm not being stubborn," Lily replied, to which both boys snorted with amusement. She tilted her head slightly, a habit she had picked up from the both of them, before she took her Queen's side castle and slid it across the board. "Check."

"Why won't you let me help you then? I'd love to hear one good reason," James said.

"Because this is something I need to do for myself," she said as Sirius moved his Queen to block her attack.

"It's not that you won't be doing this for yourself, but I can explain things to you so it will go faster. I promise I won't influence your answers beyond that," James said, his frustration seeping through.

"You don't understand," she said, frowning as she looked at the board. "You didn't have any help with yours."

"Yes he did," Sirius said, and startled, Lily looked up at his face, concentrated on the match.

"What do you mean he had help?" Lily asked. Sirius looked up at her.

"Hmm? Oh, well I helped him, and we had to ask Remus a bunch of things like what in the hell a Manjingal was because we were too lazy to go look it up ourselves. It really pays to have an encyclopedia for a friend. And then of course James asked Dumbledore about a couple of things we had to fudge," Sirius said casually.

"Oh," Lily said. "Check."

"Listen Lily, it's really not that big of a deal," Sirius said. "Why don't you give it a couple days thought?"

"Because break starts in a couple of days," James said, glaring at Sirius, "and by then I won't be able to help her anymore."

Sirius looked at him like he was an idiot. "Why exactly can't you apparate to her house?"

Both James and Lily looked shocked at this idea, and he rolled his eyes. "Oh please, don't look at me like that. You'll have to meet her parents sometime, and the sooner you get it over with, the less stress will be on you come end of the school year. It's not like we've got any other pressing engagements over holiday, though I do think your mum's going to try to drag us to one of those Ministry parties. _That'll_ be fun," Sirius drawled sarcastically.

"Well I suppose I always could, umm, apparate over, if you were free and your parents wouldn't mind," James said softly, and Sirius grinned as James put his hand behind his head and clenched at his hair, trying desperately not to run his hand through it.

Lily, blushing a beautiful shade of magenta, said, "I suppose I could owl my parents and see if they wouldn't mind. They close the shop on Sundays. You could come by for afternoon tea to meet them, and we could work on the application afterwards."

James grinned widely. "Okay," he said, trying to sound casual. For some reason, he was filled with the overwhelming urge to kiss her, and the overwhelming nauseous feeling of nervousness.

"Okay," she said.

"Checkmate," Sirius said. Lily, surprised, looked down at the board.

"You cheated!" she said. Sirius clucked his tongue.

Smirking obnoxiously, he said, "You can't prove anything."

"You rearranged my pieces!" she said. Sirius sighed dramatically.

"Fine. I'll concede just this once, but only because you're taking him for a day over break. That way I won't have to listen to him wank about not seeing you for two weeks. Merlin knows he talks about you enough as it is. I thought it was bad before when you wouldn't give him the time of day, but now that you actually encourage his advances, I've barely been able to get through half a sentence without him blathering on about how wonderful you are," Sirius said, rolling his eyes and setting up the board for another match.

Lily grinned as she looked over at a slightly bashful, slightly angry James. "Sod off," James mumbled, and Lily pulled him over into her chair. He rearranged them so he sat behind her and she snuggled into him, but could still reach the board to play. "And everyone knows that if you take your eyes off the board its fair game to rearrange."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I forgot that Marauder's rules are different from the normal ethical ones."

"Of course," Sirius said. "That's the fun of it."

**…**

**AN**: okay, so after some confusion last chapter I feel I should clarify a few things. First, the 1970s in England was not the same as the 1970s in the United States. There was a sexual revolution occurring in both countries, however, it was not nearly as mainstream and commonplace in England as I think some people believe. Austin Powers is an extreme exaggeration of a typical lifestyle, just for the record, if that is your only gauge of historic perspective. This is because Britain is a much more culturally polite and reserved country because it is based on the foundations of tradition, something not generally admired by the United States. 

To this day, the family you are born into and their class matters in a way it doesn't in the United States. A large part of what JK Rowling writes about with Muggleborns and Purebloods is a reflection of the similar segregation of class and status in Britain. Also, the magical world does come across as more traditional than the muggle world. Given the fact that they are all teenagers at this point, I highly doubt that anyone is actually shagging, let alone getting to third base. The fact that I address this at all is because I believe that it needed to be addressed since so much fanfiction is saturated with it, and because I believe that Lily and James were passionate people, especially about one another.

How Petunia lives in the future, to me anyway, seems to reflect that she came from a middle class family, because rarely (and this does occur in the United States as well) do people change from the economic status their parents maintained. This means that Lily's family is middle class. Her last name is also Evans, which is typically (though not always) an Irish name. In the 1970s, the IRA was very active and very violent in trying to unite the six counties of Ireland. To this day, there is rivalry throughout the countries of Britain, but the Irish, it seems to be agreed, are always the lowest on the totem pole. James, however, is very rich and comes from a very distinguished family in the wizarding world. While I don't believe much of this mattered to James (because of his stance on Muggleborns), this will be a dynamic of their relationship I will explore in the next couple of chapters.

Moving on to this chapter's comments: I wanted to have a part with Remus explaining a lot about what I think happened, but it was hard because a lot of what I think happened takes place after seventh year and I'm not writing that far. I don't think that any of the Marauders or Lily face Voldemort before the three years of Auror training because I don't think they pose as any sort of threat until then. This is also partly because I don't think they get married or conceive Harry (therefore resulting in the prophecy) straight out of Hogwarts. However, it's hard not to expand on possible beginnings when I know the outcome. I always thought it was strange that they thought Remus was the traitor (as addressed in PoA), and I wanted to give hints as to why that was. I think that the reason they don't suspect Peter is because they underestimate him. I don't think they believe he has the talent or prowess to be a double agent. This will also be addressed with subtle hints later. 

**…**

ps. I **heart** reviews!


	11. You don't believe in coincidences

James, taking a deep breath, pressed the doorbell. Chimes rang and the voices came to a halt. Heavy steps came to the door that James was rather sure were not Lily's, and gulped. _Compliment her mother's cooking. Don't mention your probation. Shake her father's hand firmly and reassure him you're going to marry his daughter. _Sirius's voice in his head did little to calm his nerves. He couldn't remember a time when he felt this nervous and he tried to keep his hands from shaking.

The thing that opened the door looked like he had no reservations about pulling each of James's limbs from his body. Its dark appraising eyes were filled with a look that rivaled those most Slytherins gave James. He suddenly knew where Lily got her eyes. She got her eyes from her father, and apparently nothing else.

With dark hair and a thick build, the man in the doorway resembled more of a bear than any picture James had seen in his Muggle Studies textbooks. Still, the man-bear was dressed in slacks and a white dress shirt similar to that of James, and for that, James inwardly sighed with relief. The black leather and green Mohawk Sirius had tried to convince him was all the rage in Muggle fashion would probably not have gone over as well as predicted.

"Hello, Mr. Evans. My name is James Potter," he tried with what he hoped was a winning smile and an outstretched hand.

The eyes, those dark intense eyes, only narrowed. James's hand and smile fell. He knew this routine. Being incorrigible would not help his situation. Unconsciously, he stood straighter and his eyes deepened in that endless way Lily loved.

"I've traveled quite a distance to stand before you today, sir. I can understand if you would prefer I turned around and traveled that distance home. However, I also came today to see Lily, and to help her with her Auror application. If you don't wish to invite me into your home, I wouldn't be offended, but I can't break a promise and won't have her chances compromised. I will see her today, whether you'd prefer it or no. Sir."

James stared hard into those unyielding eyes, before one eyebrow raised and he stood back to allow James in. James was not sure how wise it was to expose his back to the man, but rather decided he had little choice in the matter.

James entered the foyer and waited to be led into the living room where tea sat on the table. "Sit," the deep rumbled voice commanded.

James sat.

He tried to look composed and polite as he took the tea Mr. Evans poured for him, only slightly reassured it wasn't poison when Mr. Evans poured his own cup. He tried not to look around in intense interest. This was the home Lily grew up in. He was sitting in Lily's home.

It was…about as big as it looked from the outside. James knew this was the way Muggles lived because they did not have magic to expand, but it seemed so strange in comparison to his own home where every room seemed vast and elegant. Looking at the soft warm colors of the room, with family pictures and flower paintings hanging on every wall, and the collection of comfortable furniture, James suddenly realized why the room seemed strange to him. In less than a minute, without even seeing Lily yet, this one room felt more like _home_ to him than any room in his house.

"So," the deep baritone said, regaining his attention. James was reminded of Hagrid as he looked at the man-bear who sat in a chair clearly made for someone half his size, and noting the familiarity, visibly relaxed.

"Lily is my pride and joy. She goes to a boarding school for the gifted, because she is gifted. She is a very gifted girl. However, as you're probably aware, she was not raised in your world, and it was originally planned that she was to go to an all-girl private school here along with her sister. I accepted, when she left, that her life was going to be different, and that I was no longer going to be the prevalent force in her life that I once was. _However_, that does not mean that I have forsaken any fatherly duties I am entitled to, and that includes meeting and approving of any other men in her life."

Mr. Evans took a sip of tea. James, prudently, said nothing.

"Having said that," he continued. "I have a few questions for you."

"I'll try to answer them as well as I can," James said sincerely.

"What are your…_relations_ with my daughter?"

James blinked. He had expected questions, but how in the world could he answer _that_? "Lily…I…she…what I mean is…"

The room seemed to suddenly darken as James floundered.

"Have you touched my daughter?" the anger in that tone shook James's bones.

"No sir. Only what would be considered appropriate," he said quickly.

"Oh really," Mr. Evans responded, but it was not a question. "And just _what_ exactly would you deem _appropriate_?"

James thought about the way he pinned her against the locker during their first kiss and tried to hold back his blush without much success. "I hold her hand when I walk her to class. My hands stay at her waist when we sit together. I touch her hair sometimes."

James felt mortified at this last admonition and felt his face burn.

"You share living quarters." The statement was scoffing at these claims and accusatory at the same time.

"I don't pressure her for anything, especially there," James defended, regaining his footing as his hard tone matched Lily's fathers.

"Hn," Mr. Evans growled, but backed down at the intense look in the boy's eyes. "What are your plans for after you graduate?"

"I plan to go into Auror training." He added pointedly, "Alongside Lily."

"She's the reason you're joining then?" If it was a question, it did not sound like one.

James bristled at the tone. He chose his words carefully. "I'm becoming an Auror because that's what's expected of me. I'm doing it willingly because Lily will be by my side."

"That's rather ambitious of you. What happens if you break up during training? How will that affect your working relationship? Wouldn't that put a strain on your whole future?" Mr. Evans demanded.

"Lily _is _my future!" James returned fiercely, unable to hold back his temper any longer.

Again, an eyebrow was raised at him. James took a deep breath to check himself.

"Where will you live during training?"

"I'll probably rent a flat in London. Auror training requires a lot of long-distance apparation, and London has more areas for safe travel points than where I currently live."

"Where will you get the money to do this?"

Again, James blushed, because money, especially the wealth of his family, was not something he enjoyed having to talk about. "I have an inheritance from my grandfather, as well as several investments and trusts in my name that are earning enough interest to support my independent living if I chose."

"And your parents support your moving away from home?"

James did not know how to answer. He felt entirely battered from this questioning, like everything he was was worthless. He looked into the man's eyes and for the first time really understood what Lily meant when she said that it frustrated her that things came easily to him.

He felt like everything he had wasn't anything he was proud of owning because he hadn't earned it, and that the one question that could redeem him only sunk him in deeper. No matter what he did or how hard he worked, he wasn't even enough for his own parents.

He turned away from the older man's eyes, feeling so incredibly defeated. "My parents aren't really around much. My father is one of the top officers for the Ministry of Magic and he's often sent as an ambassador to other countries. In all honesty, they probably won't notice I'm not home."

There was a long silence, and James let his eyes rest on his tea, which he occasionally took a sip of and tried not to feel awkward. James knew the other man was studying him, but he didn't care.

He wished Lily would walk into the room. He would pull her into his arms and bury his face into her neck and she would stroke his hair with her fingers and he wouldn't feel so horrible.

"What are your intentions towards my daughter?"

Finally a question James had a solid answer for. He dragged his eyes up to the other man's.

"I fell in love with your daughter when I was eleven years old. I've been in love with her for seven years. My intentions towards your daughter change so rapidly there's no real way to judge them. Half the time I want to make her yell at me, just because I want to see her blush. Half the time, I want to make her laugh, just so I know she's happy.

"I want to go into Auror training together and I want her to live with me in my flat in London. I don't want to go back to my family home. I want to build a house for us, a house like this, that smells like cinnamon and doesn't feel cold. I'm going to marry her and I want her to be the mother of my children. I want everything there is to want for another person, and I want her to want it all with me. Everything I want in life is wrapped up in her. If I can't have her, then I don't want anything."

"Have you told _her_ this?"

James gulped.

"I see."

There was another awkward silence, and then, "Your passion towards my daughter is much stronger than I predicted. Make no mistake: I don't approve of you. I don't approve of you at all. There was a time when there was a sense of decorum when it comes to courtship, and while I do not expect you to have come here at the age of eleven to declare your intentions, I am disappointed. To even suggest that you would want to live with my daughter, that you'd take her away to London to live together, is entirely preposterous."

James looked down at his tea. "Furthermore, you will not continue to see my daughter. I have written to the Headmaster about your sleeping arrangements. It is entirely inappropriate. You _will_ break up with my daughter. After graduation, she _will_ move back here."

"Why?" James broke in with a hard tone. "Why are you trying to control her? Why don't you trust her to make her own choices?"

"I did until she came home with you," was bit back at James. Mr. Evans was clenching the armrests to his chair and James could see that his anger was being held in check by very little. "You are not appropriate for my daughter."

He couldn't help it. His wand was in his outstretched hand and words were on his tongue before he could process that he really knew he shouldn't be doing what he was doing. And then, a flash of red in the corner of his eye registered and he choked on the words, biting them back with every part of his being.

"Dad, have you heard anything from James yet?" he heard her ask in a worried tone as she entered the room fully. He didn't want to hurt her, and he knew that hurting her father would definitely do that. There was a pause where he was sure she was taking in the scene.

"What did you say to him?!" Her angry tone sliced through him and automatically he began to stumble out a response as he lowed his wand to face her, only to realize her anger was _not_ directed at him.

"Lily, it's none of your concern," he father said curtly.

She stalked over to James's side. "James isn't the kind of person who casually points his wand at people!"

"He's not _enough_ for you!" her father shouted.

"Not _enough_?" she almost choked on the words. She looked at James then, and he could see in her face that she was thinking about what James himself had said when she had agreed to see Gideon.

"He has no integrity, no respect, no manners! He's arrogant and irresponsible! He's dangerous and I won't have it!" her father shouted. Lily stood there and listened to her words coming out of someone else's mouth. She hated them.

"James is _everything_!" she shouted back as she began to tremble. "He's the only person in the world that matches me! He's the top of our class! He's a Quidditch prodigy! He's not afraid of my anger and he does more than just tell me I'm beautiful: he makes me _feel_ it! He's loyal and compassionate and brave and strong and he makes me laugh! He wants to marry me! And more than _anything_ in this world, I want to be with him, for _always_."

"Lily," James whispered, but she could not yet look at him.

"_What_ is going on here?"

And for the first time, James knew where Lily got her fire. Deep, dangerous amber eyes surveyed the room, not missing a thing. They glared darkly at her husband who sat back down in his chair. They raised an eyebrow at a blushed and now docile Lily. They landed on him and seared through his soul, appraising. He felt like she could see every bad thing he had ever done, every mean thing he had ever said, every wicked thought he had ever had. He was no longer sure Lily came from a muggle family, but he stared back and did not break her gaze.

"You must be James," came the first kind voice he had heard all day.

"Yes, ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you. You have a lovely home," he said as he pulled from his pocket his wand and a tiny plant. He undid the shrinking charm on the beautiful Chinese pot, the plant inside thriving.

"They're sunset roses," he said. "They begin red and yellow, and fade to orange and pink as they blossom, and then dull to white as their petals fall."

"But," she whispered, and James looked up to see the woman's delicate hand outstretched to touch the petals and a wonder in her voice. "It's winter."

"It's an everlasting charm. They'll bloom all year. Lily's told me how much you love flowers, so I thought…" Her eyes arrested his figure again and any semblance of words stopped.

"This is very kind of you," she said, accepting them from his hands. "Why don't you two head upstairs to work on the application? I'd suggest the kitchen, but that's a bit of a disaster area currently." The pointed look she gave Lily made Lily smile sheepishly. "She tried to make scones," her mother explained in a wry tone.

Lily, taking his hand and trying not to blush, lead him up the stairs to her room. She shut the door behind her and for a moment they locked eyes.

"James," she whispered. "Lock the door."

Her dark eyes flashed with his and he had done what she had asked within seconds as she flew at him. He pushed her back against the door. "Mine," she whispered possessively as his lips met hers and he felt the sentiment deep in his bones. He kissed her hard and her mouth opened, so pliant and willing his desire spiked sharply as his tongue stroked hers and she made a soft whimper. One hand fisted against the wall and his other came to its familiar place at her waist, but something had changed. Her hand slipped up his arm and into his hair, gripping it tightly, encouraging his movements. It was then he realized that she was not wearing her school uniform and her soft warm sweater had pulled up just enough that where his hand rested was now touching even softer and even warmer skin.

His fingers moved on their own, stroking at first tentatively and then demandingly, the dangerous feel of her flooding his veins. His fist against the wall slipped as she gasped softly in his mouth and he pressed closer, his second hand not even attempting a pretence at holding her waist but desperately diving under for a taste at her body. Her back arched as he stroked her spine and shoulder blades, molding to her skin, desperate to know every sinew of her form.

She ripped away from his kiss as his hand, fully under her sweater now, wrapped around the front, caressing her stomach in broad strokes and in no way moving it any higher or lower. His other hand held the small of her back, and it was a powerful dangerous feeling that he could move her in any way he desired with just the slightest pressure from his hands. Her mouth was wet and open slightly, the softest of moans escaping her. His forehead rested against hers, and they tried to breathe. After a moment, he pulled away, staggering backwards slightly. His hands throbbed with fire, desperate for the friction and silk of her skin.

He couldn't look at her. He clenched his hands into fists. He closed his eyes tight and turned away from her. She hadn't tried to stop him. He wondered now if he had been lying when he said he would stop if she didn't tell him to.

He could feel as she came up behind him. Standing on her toes and draping herself across his back, she wrapped her arms over his shoulders. She rested her head on his shoulder and nuzzled her face into his neck. His hands came to hold her arms as he turned his head into her.

"I don't want to be without you," he said. "This past week has been agony. It's all I can do to not think about you."

"I've been dreaming about you," she whispered into his ear and his eyes clenched closed at what that thought made him feel. "It's always raining and we're curled up in a bed together. You place your hand on my stomach, and I feel safe."

Almost automatically, he turned to kiss her again, his hand slipping under her sweater, and his control slipped, his mind blurred with her. He tried to pull away. It wasn't safe, what they were doing, what was happening. "It's so strange not being with you. I can't concentrate on anything. I keep trying to read this book, and every time I get a paragraph in, my eyes flicker up looking for you, and when I don't see you, it's like I panic momentarily before I realize you weren't supposed to be there anyway," he said, and he could tell she wanted to kiss him.

He was struck suddenly with a dark urge and he couldn't control it. He gripped her arms and brought her in front of him. He pulled her hair over her shoulder and his hands continued to stroke her stomach as he held her firmly in place. Her hands clenched his forearms as he kissed the base of her neck, suckling as she tensed and relaxed, bruising the skin.

"I keep waking up from my dream, my hands holding cold sheets," she whispered in a breathy voice that only excited him further. "I keep thinking that it shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't feel so sharp. It feels like I'm on the edge of apparation, pinched and desperate for movement. It feels so…"

"Warm," he whispered and she nodded.

"Warm, yes, but it hurts James. It hurts in a way I can't describe," she whispered and her dark tone made him stop his movements until she whispered, "Like my magic is being pulled from my body."

He looked down at her neck, at the place where he had marked her and his eyes widened. "Lily," he whispered and he slid one hand out from under her sweater to brush across the skin. "Just now, I wanted to kiss you here, _here_, in this exact spot. Did you know about these freckles Lily?"

"I have freckles all over James," she said in a tone that sounded a bit frustrated that he wasn't taking what she was saying seriously enough.

"I _know_ that Lily, but did you know about _these_," he said, and his fingertip touched them in turn. "Did you know you were a Neferensis?…Like me?"

She turned to face him now, her eyes weary. "James," she whispered. "What does that mean?"

"You don't, do you?" But she didn't answer. He wanted to smile, to reassure her, but his body seemed overwhelmed. "You wouldn't have been able to find it in a book. Neferensis are something of a superstition. They're real, but they're not, well, we're not very common. I've never met another. There's only one sign of them: we freckle. We freckle in a constellation."

"What?" she whispered, but then she seemed to feel his fingertips again on her skin and recognized the shape of Cygnus. "The Swan? But what does it mean, James? And why is it superstitious?"

"It's one of the reasons we still study astronomy. Every constellation is an archetype. It's why so many pureblood children are named after stars: look at Sirius and his family. They're given those names in the hope that they'll become one. It's supposed to be a sign of strength and of power. It means you were born before, you were a magi before."

"I had magic? In a past life? James, surely you can't be serious. Wizards believe in reincarnation?" She was half-sure now that he was teasing her.

"Not really. Most won't be born again. Neferensis are…we were born of the old magic," he said, and the look on his face now told her it was not a joke. "…And we're born again when we are needed."

"How many James? How many on record? How many in history is there a record of?"

"Less than twenty. Two having the same constellation at the same time is unheard of. But then, most people don't let it become known. You're supposed to register it at birth, if the mark is there, but most don't begin to show it until their first magic. Even still, the majority of known Neferensis are only discovered when they die. No one else knows that I'm one. Not even my parents." He turned away from her. "I saw it form that first day. I was in the garden. I had made a flower grow. It had been dying and I…I reached out my hand. I placed it on the ground and its roots, and I wished harder than I had ever wished for anything before. I felt it; I felt it form on my arm. Like bubbles pushing to the surface."

"But James, how could no one else know?" she asked.

He grinned. "Mine's not in nearly as flattering of a place as yours," he said, and she rolled her eyes.

"I'm being serious, James," she said, and he dropped his grin. He pulled away from her and unbuttoned his sleeve. He rolled it up and pulled out his wand. "Finite incantum," he whispered, and the glamour charm slid away from his wrist, the dark spots rising on his skin in the shape of the Swan. "My mother, to this day, will tell you about my obsession with wearing my Quidditch wrist guards all the time. Ate in them. Slept in them. Wouldn't even take them off to bathe. Not until I learned that glamour charm properly anyway."

"Why did you hide it? Should I hide mine?" she asked.

"No," he said. "Yours is covered normally by your clothing and hair. It's best not to be caught using a glamour charm if you can help it. Most people who do are the unsavory sort, and you don't want that stigma." He grinned about what he was implying about himself, but she was not baited.

 "What aren't you telling me? Why did you hide yours?" she said and he sighed.

"It's sort of hard to explain," he said. "You know albatrosses?"

"The mariner bird?" she asked.

"Yeah. The thing is most everyone thinks that they're bad luck. According to the original poem though, they were good luck. It was only when they were killed that they became a sign of evil."

"So how is that like us?"

"Well, no one really knows why we're here, why we come back, but it's a dangerous thing to get one killed. If people know, they'll want to use you, some for good, some for bad, but it never ends well."

"So it means we're here…for a specific reason? To do something important?" she asked and looked up at him.

He shrugged as her hands wrapped around his wrist and pressed the dots as he had hers. "Maybe. That's what they say anyway, but no one really knows. The last one died over fifty years ago and he never did anything important in his life."

"That you know of anyway," she said, finally dropping his wrist, and he cast the charm again almost immediately.

"That I know of anyway," he agreed. He looked around her room. "So where is that application anyway?" he asked. "At least that's one question down."

She pulled it off of her nightstand and he smiled at the pile of books she had brought home with her, before pulling out the chair at her desk so she could sit down. She smiled at him and he couldn't help pulling her hair aside again when she sat to softly brush his fingers across her neck.

He didn't hear anyone try and open the still locked door.

"James," she whispered softly. "Swans…they only mate once. For life."

"I know," he whispered back. Then he grinned. "No references now to ugly ducklings," he said, and she laughed.

She frowned softly. "James, I've been wondering…the question about being an animagus…"

He was silent for a moment before he said, "I lied."

She looked up at him. "Won't they find out?"

"Dumbledore hasn't," he said, trying to shrug it away.

"But James," she said, turning to face him. "What happens if they do? I know the ministry checks for criminal records. What happens when you do something illegal in the wizarding world? You had probation before…"

James looked away. "Don't worry about me. It's like I've said before," he said bitterly, "I'll get in because of who my father is. As far as doing something illegal…you get sent to Azkaban. It's a prison on an island very far out to sea. I didn't get sent there because I was a minor. You don't get sent to Azkaban for smaller things. You get probations. You get fined. On occasion you can be put under house arrest. For the most part, wizards who are sent to Azkaban…they're sent there for life. They snap your wand and you're put in a cell and your spend the rest of your life rotting away."

"But how do they control them? I mean, wouldn't you have teams of Aurors to guard them all the time? And what would happen if they got a hold of a wand and attempted a breakout?"

"The guards aren't wizards. They're Dementors," he said, and the tone he said it in sent shivers down her spine.

When he didn't elaborate, she asked, half sure she didn't want to know, "What are Dementors?"

"They're…immortals. They're dark and evil. They live off of your soul, sucking out every good thing, every happy memory, ever reason to live. Prisoners sit in cells and wait until enough of their soul is eaten and their bodies can't cling to life any more. Most people go crazy long before that happens. The only memories they have are of things that torture them, things that are painful. A lot of wizards attempt to kill themselves before they get sent there. No one has ever escaped. Some people try, but they get kissed. The only time a Dementor pulls back its black cloak to reveal their rotted flesh is to give a person a kiss. They suck the soul from a person. The person doesn't die, they're just numb…a shell of a person with no one inside."

"That's horrible," Lily whispered. There was a moment of silence, before they heard voices right outside her door. Lily recognized them immediately as her mother…and her sister.

She turned wide eyes to James, but already his wand was out and he was undoing the wards, before quickly shoving it back in his pocket.

"Don't be ridiculous, you aren't a Manjingal! Unless you sprout horns every midsummer and you're just are really good at hiding it!" James said loudly as he grabbed a book off her desk and they laughed a little too forcefully. There came a curt knock on the door, but the sound had barely registered before it was opened.

The scene was of course entirely innocent. Lily, at her desk, quill in hand, hovering over her parchment, while James stood behind her chair, book open in his hand, presumably turned to a page about Manjingal, turned to face the two women now standing in the door.

"Petunia!" Lily said, and the shock was not in any way faked. "What are you doing home?"

"She and Vernon have popped by for a spot of tea." Her mother's voice said sternly that they were to behave. "Apparently they have some good news for us. Can you take a break for a bit?"

It was not really a question, so of course she stood as Petunia, giving James a once over with her eyes before turning a snooty noise to the air, began down the stairs. Her mother grabbed Lily's arm on the way down and whispered softly in her ear, "I'm not comfortable with the door closed while you two are in there alone. It's good that that I went to check up on whether Petunia had called you and not your father or things might have been worse. Just try not to do anything that will give your father a _reason_ to be upset. And be nice to Vernon."

Lily rather thought that her mother was asking for heaven and hell to make amends, but she bit her tongue and gracefully placed her hand in James's as they reached the bottom of the staircase.

"Brace yourself," she whispered as they entered the living room, and did not notice the smile he was trying to bite back as he gazed fondly at her. Her mother, however, did not miss the look.

What next ensued was a bit of a disaster. Of course Vernon did not know of Lily and James's magical abilities, and of course, James did not know that Vernon did not know of their magical abilities, or that, for instance, he was under the impression magical abilities were something freakishly abnormal and to be feared as Petunia did. He merely walked in the room, hand in hand with Lily, to see a portly man he presumed was Vernon talking in a pompous tone to Lily's father, who had a look of long sufferance on his face.

"There you two are. We were beginning to wonder," her father cut in when Vernon paused for breath and Vernon turned as well.

"James," Lily said calmly, not responding to her father's implied question. "This is Vernon Dursley, my sister's husband. Vernon, this is James Potter…my boyfriend."

Everyone in the room seemed to react strangely to the word boyfriend. For Lily it had felt a strange thing to say, having not said it before in such terms. James thought it strange because it was though he should add, currently or temporarily or some other such term that would say more about what they really were. Her father appeared to have cringed slightly, and Vernon just seemed to give James an appraising look reminiscent of his wife's.

At that moment, Petunia and her mother walked into the room, carrying tea trays and biscuits. "And I suppose you haven't been formally introduced yet either. This is my sister Petunia. Petty." Everyone watched as Petunia visibly cringed at the nickname she obviously did not appreciate. "Meet James Potter."

He held his hand out to her as she set down the tray, but glaring at her sister in spite, she did not take it. "Pleasure," she said after a dark look from her mother.

They sat themselves down on couch or chair as Lily's mother began to pour tea, and when it became apparent that James did not in fact have a chair to sit upon, Lily began to stand from hers, only to watch in horror as James, only attempting to not make an awkward situation, drew his wand from his pocket and conjured a chair. Lily had seen Dumbledore do this on several occasions and so it was not the surprise it was for most in the room, but still, her heart, for a moment, fluttered softly at seeing it, knowing that he was brilliant and that the detailed pattern of the fabric matching the others in the room was a touch that meant he was both trying so hard to please them and that he was incredibly powerful.

This moment of course was brief. "What in the _bloody_ hell?" came Vernon's boom only slightly being heard over Petunia's shrill scream.

James looked caught in the headlights, while her mother looked quite taken aback, and her father just rubbed his hand across his forehead. "James," Lily whispered, but he heard and turned to face her, not at all understanding what was wrong. "I'm not seventeen yet. I live in a muggle house. I don't do magic at home."

"Oh," he said. "But they…they _know_, right?"

He looked back at her sister and husband who were white as ghosts as Vernon grabbed a fire poker for defense and Petunia, slightly hysterical from the shock of the display was muttering dark words in Vernon's ear that James only caught snippets of, though none were good. Lily's mother was trying to interject on their behalf, but it was obvious she was being blatantly ignored. "Vernon didn't. My family, well, they know _of_ it but it's not something they come into contact with often."

"Memory Charm?" he whispered, still looking at Vernon who seemed to be turning puce. Lily knew the answer should be no, but for a moment she hesitated as she looked at her sister. She watched the word 'criminal' form on her sister's lips, and her eyes widened. So her sister _had_ been listening into their conversation. Her eyes quickly flashed to her father's face, and she whispered back, "Yes."

There was a moment of silence as James replaced his wand and dazed faces seemed to clear.

"Vernon, please put down the fire poker! It's been a very enthusiastic reenactment, but I think you're scaring Petunia!"

There was a moment where Vernon sputtered, and everyone seemed to be confused about not remembering what, in fact, the so-called reenactment was about, but Petunia, seeing her hands gripping her husband's shirt, realized that she must in fact have been afraid of whatever it was he was doing and echoed her sister's sentiments before once again seating herself. They all regained their seats, though James noticed the fire poker still remained in Vernon's hand and eyed it warily. James took a biscuit to distract himself from the fact that Vernon had yet to put down the fire poker and found he didn't even have to lie. "These are delicious," he said. Lily's mother seemed pleased.

"Thank you James," she said. "Lily helped make them, you know."

James couldn't help the smile that spread across his features when he saw how much Lily was blushing. She had helped make biscuits. Really good ones. For him.

"You helped make these?" he asked her softly.

She glared at him, embarrassed. "Yes," she said. "Don't act so surprised."

Looking back to her family in hopes of a distraction, she took note of their looks. "What?" she snapped at them. "I can cook!"

Her father snorted and attempted to cover it as a cough. Her sister appeared ready to challenge that declaration, but her mother seemed to realize this.

"You must tell us your news!" Lily's mother entreated tactfully, as she began to pour tea. Handing the first cup to James, she frowned slightly at his chair, but seemed to crush whatever thought she had about it away as she handed the rest of the cups out.

James began to stir his sugar into his tea in typical wizard fashion: with his finger rotating slightly above his cup, the wandless magic second nature to him. Lily quickly handed him a spoon along with a dark look and he had the decency to grin guiltily at her and accept the spoon without a word.

"Oh yes! It's wonderful news! Vernon has been promoted to Supervisor!" Petunia turned to James. "Vernon works at Grunnings. It's the largest provider of drills in all of Britain." She said in a tone both indulging and as though he should have already know this incredible fact.

"Ah, I see. Congratulations," he said to Vernon, having no real clue what in fact these 'drills' were used for. Apparently though, they were somehow important to muggles, and listening to Lily's parents exclaim their congratulations, he took a sip of his tea, rather sure nothing he could say would mean much in the way of the conversation.

His teacup however, seemed to waver for a moment before suddenly sprouting fur. It changed into a rat in his hand, and he caught it by the tail. "This is brilliant!" he said to Lily, his heart warming at the prank. Had she done it just for him, or had she had this set independent of him? Either explanation made him desperate to kiss her, to explain to her how deeply it made him inexplicably, childishly, giddy, like sunlight had burst forth from his chest and was desperate to escape into the atmosphere. "Did you get these at Zonko's?" he asked instead, but when he looked up, horror was set upon her face.

"Mum?" she cut into Petunia's explanations of Vernon's new position and what it meant for them. "Where did you get these cups?"

Her mother, obviously irritated at Lily's rude behavior, chided, "From your room, dear, where most of the most of the dirty dishes in this house end up instead of the kitchen sink, or god forbid, washed and put away."

Lily could not continue to be embarrassed as the shrill sound of her sister screaming at the top her lungs filled the air and temporarily deafened everyone sitting in the living room. She was trying to hit at the animal on her lap, which was rather impeded by the fact that her eyes were screwed shut and her face was turned away. James, trying not to laugh, shoved another biscuit in his mouth. While Vernon seemed to be balancing the equal problems of helping his wife and wondering if her shrieking had permanently damaged his hearing, James noticed that he was not the only one trying not to laugh. Lily's father's eyes were on her, biting back a smile, a gleaming look of pride in his eyes as Lily quickly rummaged through her pockets, obviously expanded.

She pulled out quills and knuts, lamenting, "Frogspawn, frogspawn, _where_ did I put that frogspawn?"

A piece of parchment came out next, and she stopped and declared, "_That's_ what I did with that essay! I was looking all over for this!"

"Lily!" her mother cried in exasperation as she was doing an admirable job of simultaneously dodging Petunia's flailing arms and trying to grab the teacup-turned-rat. Lily grinned guiltily, and James thought that for a moment she looked exactly like a Marauder, before continuing her search. Another moment and she triumphantly pulled forth a small pouch. She quickly opened it and pulled forth some of the dried leaf. Making her way over to her sister, who had not relented in her vocal or physical expressions of terror, and sprinkled the frogspawn on the clearly terrified rat, which promptly returned to its pink china form. Petunia was finally taken into the arms of her husband where she was hushed.

There was calm for a moment, one blissful moment, before the dark eyes of Petunia flashed open, ferocious anger blazing from deep inside. "You _freak_! Of all the horrible, evil things to do!"

"I didn't do it on purpose! I didn't even do it!" Lily cried indignantly in response.

"Oh that's just _perfect_!" Petunia bit out like it was acid on her tongue. "You think I'm stupid? You expect me to believe that you hadn't bought those horrid things with _me_ in mind? Or that you can't control your abnormality? What have you been doing at that wretched school for the past seven years if not learning how to control your accidents? That's what you're supposed to be there for!"

"Shut up!" James cried out, not aware that he had said it until all eyes had flashed to him. "Lily is a brilliant witch and if you can't see that it really was an accident then you're daft! It wasn't meant to hurt _anyone_! It was just a bit of a laugh!"

"Don't you dare tell my daughter to shut up!" Came the deep roar of their father.

"That's enough out of everyone!" cried Lily's mother.

"Tell her, mother," Petunia said. "Tell her what she did was wrong."

Her mother said nothing. Petunia looked as though she had been slapped in the face.

"We've leaving!" she cried and with one last scathing look at her sister, she and Vernon grabbed their coats and left. The front door slammed on the way out. Her mother let out a shaky sigh that seemed on the edge of tears.

Lily quickly took James's hand. "We're going to go finish the application."

They ducked up the stairs as fast as humanly possible.

"So," James said once they had reached the safety of her bedroom.

"My sister and I don't really get along. She doesn't like the fact that I'm a witch," Lily announced.

"I've noticed," James replied dryly. "Is she jealous?"

"Hardly. I guess the best way to explain it would be to say that she's a pureblood Muggle. At school, it upsets some pureblood Wizards that I'm a _Muggleborn_ witch, and with my sister, it upsets her that I'm a Muggleborn _witch._ I think that it's harder dealing with my sister though, because at school, being a Muggleborn may upset some people, but it only makes me want to be a better witch. At home, there's nothing I can do to prove to her that I'm not the things she doesn't like about me, that I'm not a freak."

"You _aren't_ a freak," he said forcefully.

"Yeah, I know," she said in a voice that sounded as though she had heard all the like before from her parents.

"I never really thought about that, about what it would be like for a Muggleborn. I figured that it would be something to be proud of like it is for us. I never thought that there would be Muggles who didn't like magic."

Lily shrugged. "Let's finish your application," he said, seeing she didn't want to talk about it anymore. They worked for a good hour, though for the most part it was just James telling her to mark 'not applicable' on the appropriate line. She wouldn't let him read her essays, and she didn't want to know what he wrote about, afraid it would make her want to change her answers. Finally, they came to the end and only one question remained.

"I don't know my first magic. I had so many accidents growing up," she said. She had tried to remember, she really had, but she couldn't be sure.

"Accidents?" he asked, remembering what her sister had said earlier.

"Well that's what we've always called it, when I do uncontrolled magic I mean. When I was younger, I just seemed to have accidents because well, we didn't know it was magic. When I grew older though, when I was told about Hogwarts and my great aunt came to visit me to explain everything, my family and I had to call it something because we couldn't really call it magic in case someone else heard us," Lily justified.

"That just makes it sound…"

"I know," she said again, shrugging it away.

"Lily, aren't you _proud_ of what you are?" James asked.

"What's there to be proud of James? That I was born differently from my family? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I really am proud of it, but other times…it just makes everything so _hard_. It would be different if my family was magical too; then things wouldn't be so strained all the time. It would be like your family is, but my family…I always feel like a fish out of water when I come home. I love it here, but I always feel like I should apologize. At Hogwarts, I'm just the same as everyone else."

"Even at Hogwarts you're different Lily. You're the best there. And don't compare it to my family. When you come home, these people here, or at least your parents, they love you because of who you are. I'm just another accomplishment to mine. I'm just expectations for potential to them, and sometimes I meet it and sometimes I don't. I'd give anything to be a squib if it meant my parents actually cared. I'd be that fish out of water any day."

"You're right," she said sincerely.

"Of course I am," he said, a hint of a smile on his lips. She threw a book at his head, but he caught it with one hand. "No need to get violent. You should be used to it by now."

"Cheeky self-absorbed prat," she said, and he grinned at her language.

"Let's hope your parents don't hear you talking like that. They'll think I'm a bad influence," he laughed.

"You _are_ a bad influence and they _do_ know it," she teased.

He winced. "Don't remind me."

"Hey Lily?" he asked after a minute of indulgence brushing his hand through her hair. "Have you asked your parents?"

"About whether they think you're a bad influence?" she asked confused.

"No, about if they remember your first magic," he clarified. She paused and looked at him. He rolled his eyes. "Honestly? You haven't?"

He sighed. "You're the most stubborn, independent—"

"I know, I know. You can extol my virtues later," she said, standing up and picking up her application with one hand and taking his arm with the other.

They went back downstairs but only her father was in the room. "Dad, do you know where Mum is?" Lily asked, trying to stall another argument she knew would happen.

"Tending to the kitchen. What can I help with?"

Lily, because she could of course ask her father independent of her mother, saw no excuse she could give to bring her mother into the room. "Well, I've almost finished with my application, thanks to James's help, but there's a question that's quite important and I don't know the answer. I was hoping you or Mum might know. It's about when I first, I mean, my first accident."

"The first time she did magic," James said firmly. Lily gave James a look, but he ignored it and she continued.

"I just can't seem to remember for sure and James suggested you might have a better idea."

"You were three," her father said, a tinge of pride and nostalgia in his tone.

"Three?" James asked startled. At their looks, he explained, "Three is just very young. My first magic was at six and I grew up in a family that was expecting it, who did things to try and encourage my magic. To have done magic at three means that you display great potential for being a powerful witch. I suppose that shouldn't be that big of a shock as you _are_ a powerful witch, it's just…very young."

"Thank you, James," she said softly, touched at how sincere and easily he said she was a powerful witch. She turned back to her father. "What was it Daddy? What did I do?"

Something in his gaze seemed to measure her for a moment, before that deep look of pride and awe filled them. "There was a lightning storm and the power had gone out. We had already put you and Petunia to bed, but we were afraid the storm might have woken you and your nightlights would have gone out. Your mother saw after Petunia who was crying, and I went to check on you. I saw light coming from your room and I got scared, but you were…laughing. Laughing and playing with a ball of light in your bed. It was almost blinding, like you had caught a piece of lightning to play with," he said.

"There are stories of lightning balls of course. Static electricity in lightning storms is usually the cause, though they're very rare, they only last for a few seconds, and they usually happen at sea. Still, for a long time I believed that's what it was. You couldn't have been playing with one. But you were. You had made a ball of lightning and played with it. I watched you play with it for maybe ten minutes. When you finally noticed me, you looked at me and said that you were sleepy. The light went out and when my eyes adjusted you were fast asleep, snoring and holding your teddy bear."

The look on her father's face was the same one he had displayed earlier when the teacups had turned into rats. Lily's mother walked in just then, and turned to James.

"James," Lily's mother said. "Would you follow me please? I'd like to speak to you."

He nodded, and with one last glance at Lily, followed her out to the backyard and into the small greenhouse. On a table, a space had already been cleared and attention was already being shown to the plant he had brought her.

"My daughter may not remember mentioning you, but I do. You see, I savor every conversation I have with her, especially when it's about her home away from this home," her tone held such a deep sense of longing in it that it shook James to his core.

She smiled at him, and James realized what this conversation was about. He grinned guiltily.

"When she came home that first summer, it was as if she was bursting with information about every detail of her life, eager to share everything, and I was desperate to hear it all. She was eleven when she first mentioned you, that wretched boy who turned her ponytail green," she teased, and James would have been thrilled to see that Lily's cheek dimpled in amusement in just the same way as her mother, if he was not entirely embarrassed at what she was saying.

"As the years have gone on, Lily's matured of course, but her sister's views have changed her a great deal as well. It's very rare that she'll mention anything that happens at school unless prompted. Sometimes I'd find myself having to beg her to find out anything at all. She had become very closed. Until this year it seems. She wrote me a very long letter at the beginning of this year, explaining what being Head Girl was like and who, precisely, was Head Boy."

James gulped. He knew that it had to have been an interesting letter. "Do you know what she told me?"

"Nothing good, I'm sure," he replied automatically, but she just smiled.

"She said that of course you were still as wretched as you always had been…but that she was glad it was you. Ever since that first letter, I've been waiting for this, waiting for her to bring you here."

"How did you know?" he asked startled.

"I'm a mother," she replied serenely. "I know everything."

James grinned.

"And I wanted to warn you: Lily's spent a good part of her life trying to hide away the parts of herself that others find strange, and I don't just mean her magic. She doesn't like being vulnerable, but don't let her push you away. Don't let her hide. She's become rather good at it, and I wish now I had tried more to stop it, but we can't change the past. We can only try to fix our future."

James took in those words and wondered not for the first time that day just what Lily's mother knew.

She turned her head suddenly and sighed. "We best get back," she said, and it was then that James heard the faint sound of voices coming from the house.

As they entered the living room, James took in the tears welling up in Lily's eyes. She held them back with her iron will and not much else. James knew she was not a pretty crier, how her face became a blotchy red and her eyes swelled up. An anger deeper than he had ever thought possible filled him. It filled his stomach with lead and his veins with molten lava. The emotions washed through him, but it was not the resentful boyhood nastiness that he felt when confronted with Snape; this had mixed viciously with an overwhelming sense of protection and possession of Lily, and had turned quickly into a raging desire of hate, where his hands did not itch, but burned with a need to make her father pay.

"You're choosing _him_ over your family?" the deep voice of her father demanded angrily.

"No," she whispered, and James's heart broke in his chest, any thought of anger or possession leaving him as fast as it had come. "Daddy, I know you think that he's not in my best interest, but James is my _only_ interest. If you're making me choose, then I will choose him, but only because you'd _force_ me to make that choice."

"He isn't good enough for you!" her father bellowed, but James couldn't hear anything. His heart, previously cleaved into two, had mended itself, but now it squeezed painfully, too small to hold in all of the love he felt, as if by breaking open it had only wanted more room to pulse inside his chest.

"You were _fine_ with Vernon! You gave _him_ your blessing!" she accused her father.

"_You_ are _not_ Petunia!" he bellowed. And there it was. He could not escape it any longer. He had tried not to show favorites. He had tried to treat them equally. But Lily, his little Lily, had gravel in her gut and a fire in her eyes that _he_ had put there, and he loved her for it. He turned and left the room. He kissed his wife on the cheek as he opened the front door. "I'm heading down to the pub," he said. He did not say whether he would be back for supper. He did not know.

There was a long moment of silence, where Lily turned to face James and she knew, without either of them saying a word, that everything that had been said was true. He suddenly felt so tired, and wanted to pull her in his arms again like he had that night he read her their Transfiguration homework and fall asleep, knowing that when he woke up, she would still be his.

"I should be off too," James said quietly.

"James," she whispered, almost as if in apology of all her father had said, but he just smiled at her sadly.

"Mail in your application. Tonight," he said, and she smiled back.

"I want to look it over one more—"

"It's perfect and if you look it over again, you're going to change something and regret it later. Write your last answer. Put it in an envelope. I'll send my owl along when I get home so I know you won't cheat," he said, and though she glared at him, she was smiling.

She walked him to the door.

"It was a pleasure meeting you James," her mother said, and they shook hands.

"The pleasure was mine," James returned, kissing her hand and sincerely meaning the words. Both women shook their heads at the charm.

"Well," Lily's mother said tactfully, "I'm going to start on dinner."

They turned to face one another, and for a moment she had a desperate urge to jump in his arms and beg him to stay, which she squashed determinedly. She felt like she was acting like a baby, but a larger part of her felt again like she was being torn apart. "James," she whispered, "I can't help it. All night it's been sitting in my mind, and every thought of you makes it that much worse."

"Don't," he said and stepped up to wrap her in his arms. "It doesn't dictate that we love each other. You were with Gideon, remember? There was a time when it didn't hurt like this. It isn't destiny. It's choice."

"Is it?" she asked. "More and more I wonder. Those words to my father fell from my lips before I even thought them, but they were _honest_. I've never felt like this with anyone, about anything."

"I know," he whispered, and she couldn't help the smile on her face. She was with James because she _wanted_ to be.

"I just don't want it to be the reason we're together. I don't want it to be an excuse as to why I feel as strongly as I do," she said.

"Up until today, we didn't know. I wanted to kiss you there, but it could have been a coincidence."

"You don't believe in coincidences," she said.

"Exactly," he said, and he pulled back so his hand could hold her face. "Which means that we were meant to find out today. Today and not before. Not before we had already made the choice. Maybe we _are_ meant to be together. Maybe not. But how I feel about you isn't because of this. I hate the way you always take too long in the shower and that you don't like apples. You always overanalyze everything and you need to laugh more."

"I don't like apples because they're disgusting and if you had hair as long as mine you'd take a bit longer as well," she retorted. "And I do _not_ overanalyze things and I laugh plenty."

He smiled. "That's my point. These things are serious character flaws, but if for some reason you woke up tomorrow and were different, you wouldn't be Lily, not the one I'm in love with anyway. And I do love you. More than I think is quite healthy. But it isn't because of anything other than the fact that you…" but he didn't seem to know how to explain it to her.

"Make you angry, and make you laugh, and tell you you're beautiful?" she teased and he smiled.

"Exactly," he said. "You're everything."

"Character flaws and all?" she asked.

He gave her an appraising glance and then gave a slightly doubtful look before she glared at him darkly and he laughed. "Of course!" he said. "I'm just taking advantage of the fact you can't hex me black and blue before I can blink for once."

"Because your fear of me is the only thing that's been keeping you in line all this time," she said drolly. He laughed, and swept her back into his arms.

"Well," he whispered in her ear, "that, _and_ you're a great kisser."

Before she could respond, his lips were on hers and she couldn't help the way that her whole body felt overcome with dizziness, as if after a long trip at sea she finally came again upon land and the ability of balance and control over her legs seemed lost. He held her tighter, one hand weaved through her hair and the other firmly at the small of her back, holding her in place as her hands gripped at his shirt and hair, though out of desperation or to steady herself she was not sure. She wondered if how soft and hard his body always seemed would ever cease to amaze her.

He kissed her simply and softly, but she could feel the slight desperation and the great determination that was there. Her heart seemed to have turned into butter and every bone in her body seemed to be missing. She felt as though the only thing holding her up was the intense fire that ripped through her, burning on the fuel of pain and want in her stomach, flipping it over and devouring every sense of anything outside of their bodies. Her hand had found the little curl in his hair on the back of his head and she gripped it softly.

"I love you," he gasped against her lips before kissing her again. He wouldn't let her pull back to respond and she moaned against his mouth. He kissed her deeper for a moment before remembering himself and pulled away. His fingertips brushed her blushing cheeks as she tried to focus on his eyes and steady herself.

"You," he declared, "are addictive."

She grinned, pleased.

"And that look right there is why I need to leave before you get me into even greater trouble than I ever could have managed on my own," he said.

"I'll miss you," she said. He didn't answer as he pressed his forehead against hers, rubbing his nose against hers in his loving way that made her toes curl. After a minute, he pulled back and sighed.

"James," she said, a sudden thought striking her, and she knew it was true without even having to ask. "The flowers you gave my mother…they were your first magic." The smile that blossomed on her face was one of gratitude and warmth. He tried to shrug it off, but stopped when he saw how serious her expression was.

"I'll see you in seven days," he said, before turning to walk down her drive. Her throat was too choked up to do anything but watch him go.

After a moment of standing there, she felt the familiar arms of her mother wrap around her. "That was one good kiss," her mother said.

"You saw?" Lily asked, embarrassed and slightly fearful her mother had heard everything else.

"Well I hadn't heard any voices for a few minutes, so I thought I'd check on you, but it turned out you were still saying goodbye," her mother teased and Lily could only blush in response. "You love him, don't you?" she whispered as she kissed her daughter's hair.

"I do," she said. "But Daddy…"

"Don't worry about him. He wasn't going to like anyone you brought home. He doesn't want to be replaced in your heart."

"He isn't though."

"I know that honey. He will too, one day."

Even though her mother's tones were reassuring, Lily could not help the trepidation in her heart.

……………………………..

James apparated home and slipped into his room. There didn't appear to be any signs of his parents being home, for which he was actually grateful. Though it was dark, he didn't turn on the light. He sighed.

"That bad?" Sirius asked from where he was lying on James's bed, playing with the infamous Snitch that had previously led to Lily calling him a show-off. James couldn't quantify how much it meant to him to see his best friend there.

"Her family hates me. Well, her mum seems to like me well enough. Her father and sister on the other hand…"

"Figured they might."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. And you couldn't have warned me?"

"I will next time. Did she seem to mind?"

"Funnily enough, she did. She didn't get mad at me about it though," James said, a quiet wonder in his voice. "It was the strangest feeling, standing right there and having her yell at someone else that I was this great person."

"Must have been a fluke. She could have been possessed, you know," Sirius said, and though his words were meant in jest, there was no hint of any real humor in his voice.

There was a long moment of silence.

"I really love her," James said painfully, slipping along his wall down to the floor. Sirius stopped playing with the Snitch.

"I know," Sirius said. "I know."

…………………………………..

**An**: oh my bejesus. This took forever and ever times infinity to get out. Hopefully it's up to par. Si non, tant pis. There were a lot of reasons this was hard for me to write, which I mostly won't get into now because I'm hoping to have fixed most of those flaws. I have no clue as to when the next chapter will come out.

Also, if you haven't read my bio page:

COOKIES (as promised) are now being distributed. apparently, cookies are really good, because sometimes I get reviews just because people would like one. of course, this is still flattering because if someone gets to your AN at the bottom it is usually because they read and liked your story.

however, i would also like to add that there are some of you that deserve 50 million cookies for your awesome reviews alone. there are some of you that deserve 50 million for being with me from the beginning and still staying with me regardless of vast chunks of time between updates. and there are some of you who constantly make me feel like my writing here means something through reviews or placing me in communities or on your favorites lists, and i can't tell you how much this means to me. i suppose the fact that words fail me should be a good indication as to just how much it means. to you, i grant a small tropical island filled with cookies, and my endless gratitude.


	12. How long have you been waiting?

He practically slammed the door to the head's room. Of course he had missed his friends. Of course he had wanted to hear how their breaks were. Of course he had wanted to plan a little mischief. But it was now half nine and he had yet to see Lily for anything more than a few brief seconds down the train corridor before he was pulled away and he was a bit frustrated. He had tossed half the night previous, wondering whether they would still be sharing a dormitory when they got back as well as other things he knew he should not be thinking at all.

He found her on the couch, a book in her lap and her eyes closed, but she startled at the sound of the door. His heart, fluttering and nervous, settled, while his stomach, tense and burning, only tightened further. It had only been a week, not even a full one, and he knew deep in his bones that he did not want to go another week without her again, ever.

"Hi," he said softly.

She sat up, smiling. "Hello," she said, and moved her book aside to stand.

"How long have you been waiting?" he asked, and she blushed.

She did not want to say that she had been desperate to see him and that after she had seen the four of them leave from the Great Hall after dinner, she had feigned a headache and headed up to their room, in silent hope that he might do the same.

That had been over three hours ago now, and she had not read more than a chapter in her book in all that time. The urge to somehow track him down just to hold him seemed entirely ridiculous. But it did not stop her from feeling it.

"Not long," she said softly and he smiled. "What have you been up to?" she asked in a slightly amused and slightly defeated tone.

"Nothing," he said, too quickly.

"Liar," she smiled, and he grinned. His hands came to her hips, attempting to loosen the arms crossed over her chest, but neither moved. "How many points?"

"At least fifty," he said. "But it will look like it was someone in Ravenclaw."

She raised an eyebrow. "Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not," he said and she just shook her head, smiling lightly. "You're not mad," he said with a bit of wonder in his voice. It wasn't a question, but he was still surprised.

"Should I be?" she asked, her eyes becoming concerned as if she had not taken the situation seriously enough.

"No," he quickly reassured her. "It's not that bad. I just…love that you're okay with it."

"It's who you are James," she said, her arms finally unfolding to hold his.

"I know," he said, and his bones ached softly. "I just never thought that I'd find someone who'd understand that."

"What's Sirius, then? An innocent bystander?" she said flippantly.

"Fine then," he said, "someone who understands that and is such a good kisser."

"Oh I'm sure Sirius wouldn't be so bad, if he had a bit of practice," she began in a teasing tone, and he growled at her.

"Say another word and I'll tell everyone you did the prank we pulled tonight," he said, and her mouth dropped open.

"You wouldn't," she gasped.

"I'm the only man you'll ever kiss and that's final," he said and she laughed lightly.

"Oh all right," she said smiling.

His lips met hers softly, stroking lightly, but it wasn't what either of them wanted. She tried to open her mouth to him, but he did not let her. She wanted him to press against her, to send every nerve ending into overdrive where she felt that blinding sensation of sharp and intense want, where every particle under her skin seemed to spark with tension and energy, waiting for his touch to ignite her into flames.

She could feel his hesitation, could feel how tense it made him. He pulled back slightly, but his eyes were unfocused and determined as he moved her backwards, his hands on her hips guiding her until she felt her door behind her. She hands came up to his arms to bring him closer, but he stood as far away as he could while continuing to kiss her.

His hands did not touch her any longer but pressed flat and hard against her door. She tried to bring him closer, but he would not budge. His tongue found its way inside, devouring and possessing, the warm wet feeling sending chills down her spine, as he massaged and stroked with intense purpose, as if he had just tonight to taste her and tomorrow they would act as though it had not happened.

"James," she whispered painfully, begging him softly, as he resisted her attempts to bring him closer again.

"I can't," he whispered back, trying to kiss her again, licking at her lips before pushing his way inside, covering her words and protests, but it was like he was igniting only the surface of her, turning her skin to chard while leaving her insides still frozen.

She thought that he could not kiss her in a more possessive way, and yet the rest of him seemed entirely unconcerned with her, as if it would have preferred to be playing Quidditch or in bed asleep than in any way touching hers. She wanted him to cover her body, to place his hands on her stomach and her skin and to sweep in like the wind, igniting old embers still smoldering in the hearth.

"Why?" she finally managed when he took a moment to breathe. She hated how desperate it sounded, but at the moment, if it brought his hands upon her, she would not mind. She felt the muscles in his arms flex as his hands clenched, but they did not move towards her and she felt the childish frustrated urge to stamp her foot.

He tried to kiss her again, but she moved her head away and looked at him. He swallowed, and did not look in her eyes, but at her lips, slightly parted and wet and rubbed red.

"I want you too much," he said.

The air between them seemed to crackle. He wanted to kiss her again, but was not sure if she wanted him to, and was too afraid to look in her eyes and see that she was not ready to hear such things.

Surely she had to know, he thought. After so long, she had to realize what he would be feeling. They had talked about it, hadn't they? But they had talked about not doing anything like that, not for a good long while, because she was not ready and did not want it. He felt horrible for saying anything, for not being able to control his body and his reaction better. He wanted her in ways that twisted his insides and drowned out all other thought. It frightened him sometimes because he wanted her to be comfortable with him and he didn't want her to be afraid, and he wasn't sure she was.

"James," she whispered in a voice he had never heard. "Kiss me."

It was a command. A whispered, urgent, and incredibly fierce plea. Whatever doubts he had vanished, pushed like a riptide to the far back of his mind for later speculation.

She did not need his body against hers now, not now that he had spoken those words. They had burned their way inside of her, sharper and more viciously than firewhiskey, blazing and burning, causing her to ache and want dangerous things. Her hands were no longer on his arms, but had slid into his hair gripping and stroking and not letting him move away.

Finally she loosened her grip and he understood she needed air. She gasped in deep lungs full as her head arched up. He kissed down her neck and because she was not wearing her uniform yet, bit at her exposed collarbone, the smell of her perfume in his nose exciting him further. She moaned softly and he moved up again to her neck, the skin there much more malleable under his mouth. He stroked with his tongue, bit with his teeth, bruising her skin, grunting softly with her soft sharp moans, catching with each short breath. It was painful, but he knew it was consuming her as it was him as her hands continued to clench in his hair as he applied pressure.

She was trembling beneath him now and the sounds she made were becoming rhythmic. The sudden thought jolted through his mind that she was aroused by his actions. He had of course known that she would enjoy their affections, would have been frustrated if she hadn't, but the idea that she would want him as he wanted her had not fully formed in his mind until that moment.

He pulled away and gripped her body tightly against him so that they could not move. "Goodnight," he whispered into her hair.

"I don't want to say goodnight," she said, and while there was an element of coyness in her tone, he knew it was said more wistfully than anything.

"Say it," he whispered back, smiling. "So I can go take a cold shower."

There was a moment where he was not sure how that information was received.

"Goodnight," she whispered, and slipped her hand behind her to open her door just wide enough that she could slip out of his grasp and through.

_Smart girl_, he thought, before turning to his own room.

……………….

"Do you know why I've brought you here today?" the Headmaster asked. While James seemed entirely comfortable in Dumbledore's office, Lily had not had the same number of reasons to visit and thus felt entirely tense.

"Do you need us to work on something as Head Boy and Girl?" James ventured, but the lack of conviction in his tone was missed by no one.

Dumbledore, sitting at his desk, eyes twinkling, swept his arm across a letter in front of him. "I received this from Lily's father during break. In it, he expresses his belief that your living situation is inappropriate. I was a bit surprised that he has not mentioned any reservations before now if this is his feeling on the matter as half the school year has progressed."

"Lily and I are seeing one another," James said, his voice the most serious Lily had ever heard. When she looked at him, she saw the regal way he sat in his chair, somehow appearing to be lounging even though his back was straight. His eyes were pinning Dumbledore down and his hands gripped at his armrests.

"It's not as her father presumes. We are serious in our courtship," James said, his tone clear and sharp.

"Well I should hope so, James," Dumbledore said in a tone that was biting back humor. "If seven years of perusal is casual for you, then I would hate to see what you took the term 'serious' to mean."

James grinned ruefully and left out a huff of laughter. Lily, for her part, could only blush red.

She felt as she had for the last week of her break. Her father had not spoken to her and the only time he did speak in her presence was to argue with her mother over her future. She had not been able to speak without causing her father to leave the house entirely, and so she simply stopped trying.

Even now it was hard to muster a voice, terrified that if she did, the contents of her father's letter would spurn her. To hear Dumbledore protest on her father's behalf would break her resolve.

"I cannot say I am unaware of your relationship. While it is most uncommon for the Head Boy and Girl to be involved, it is not unprecedented, and it has not affected your work in any way, and so I have not found fault with it in that regard."

"So in what regard have you found fault?" James asked in a dark, defiant tone, ready to fight. She watched as James and Dumbledore seemed to duel with only their eyes for a long moment.

Lily felt her heart break quietly in her chest, expanding with how much she felt. He was so protective of her, so strong in the face of anything that might tell him it wasn't going to work. She felt like she was drowning in the face of his emotions. She wanted to kiss him.

"You mistake my intentions here James," Dumbledore said, his tone reprimanding. "The Head Rooms are a reward for the extra and hard work you both put in. It is given to the Head Boy and Girl for the same reasons you were chosen as Head Boy and Girl: because you are found to be responsible, mature, and dedicated individuals."

"Therefore, to take away that privilege because of those same reasons, would be a bit hypocritical, wouldn't you think?" Dumbledore turned his piercing eyes to her. "I did not call you here today to tell you what my decision in this matter should be, but rather to ask you what it is you want."

Lily felt as though she had been asked that question a thousand times over the past holiday and her answer had never been enough. "I want to be with James," she said, her voice breaking but still holding its defiance. She lifted her head and was prepared to meet the eyes of her Headmaster. She was not prepared to see the kind and accepting eyes of Albus Dumbledore. She felt as though he could see every thought she had ever had of James: every angry, protective, soft, dangerous, kind, humbling, haughty and accepting thought.

"Then you will be," he said merrily.

"But," she began, confused, "my father…"

"I will address the matter myself, you need not worry," he said, pulling out a piece of parchment and dark green ink. When he looked up and saw their surprised faces, he smiled.

"We are not supposed to have favorites, so I will not tell you two that you are mine. I will not tell you that after your graduation, if you are in need of a minister for a marriage ceremony, I would be honored if you asked me. I will not tell you that I expect great things from the both of you, and that if this one matter is to affect the entire course of human history, I would rather have been shown to have sided with love. So since there is nothing left for me to say, is there anything else I may address with either of you?"

"No sir," James said, as tears stung the back of her eyes. James stood and offered her his hand. She took it, but turned back to Dumbledore.

"_Thank you_, sir," she said. His eyes shown at her, at the both of them, and for a moment, for the first time, she felt proud for all of the reasons she wanted to be and was with James. Lily turned away when Dumbledore broke eye contact, her hand tightening in James's, but the image of Albus with tears in his eyes at the sight of them would never leave Lily until the day she died.

**AN**: it's not very long, but it's kind of an awkward transition into the next part. I won't be able to work on it for the next two months which is rather upsetting to me, but I thought I'd post what I could now.


	13. Love mends hearts

"We're seventh years. I always thought that this would be easier somehow. I thought that if I worked hard during the first years, that sixth and seventh year would be easier because I would already understand the difficult things and I would only get to learn the cool things that were being held back before. I realize now that it was all some stupid test that they were just making sure we could work hard then so we'd be able to handle even more now."

"James, you did all of the cool things the rest of us had to wait for so if there's nothing left that's exciting it's entirely your own fault for lacking patience. Now hush, I'm trying to study."

"But that's ever so boring."

"Well in a years' time we won't ever have to study again," she said, still not lifting her eyes from the page of her text.

He stood up and began pacing. It made her anxious. "James," she said sharply.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm restless. I can't help it."

"The boys invited me out tonight," he said conversationally, but even though she was trying to focus on the words on the page, she could hear a hidden weight in his words.

"Oh?" she asked softly. "Are you going?"

He was silent a long moment. "No," he said.

He settled into his chair with a book of his own and was silent. She looked up from her reading at him. "You don't have to stay in on account of me," she said.

"I know," he said.

"But you are," she said. He shrugged the conversation away.

"Study," he said and turned back to his book. She knew pushing the issue was just going to create a fight, and she did not want him to leave for a night of dangerous doings when she had made him angry because it would make her partly responsible if something went wrong.

She turned back to her own book and missed his silent sigh.

………….

"You didn't save me a seat," he said, and she looked up from her friends, whom she was having a rather nice conversation with to see him, with a look of polite amusement and confusion on his face.

"Oh," she said, a light smile coming to her lips. "Was I supposed to? You hardly ever eat breakfast."

"I had to meet McGonagall this morning though, remember? I said I'd catch you up," he reminded her.

"You did mention it last night. I had forgotten. I'm sorry," she replied. He shrugged to show it was not so much of a big deal.

Alice, ever so much the diplomat, collected her things quickly. "I've to go talk to Professor Slughorn about my potions essay anyway," she said, and looked across the table to Dorcas and Marlene. "Would you come with me? Only he kind of gives me the creeps, always asking after my family the way he does."

"I don't mind," Dorcas said, grabbing up a piece of toast as she stood. Marlene rolled her eyes, but gave Lily a wink that meant they'd catch up in Charms later.

"Perfect," James said, and while Lily knew he did not directly manipulate the situation, she felt as if he had somehow done something to send her friends away. The truth was that they did not really get on for the most part, but she felt quite stupid for having to divide her time between them, as if it could only be one or the other. Everything was always so all or nothing with him that it sometimes frustrated her.

James settled in next to her and she waved her friends away. "What time did you finally get to bed?" he asked.

"Quarter to one," she said. "That essay was painful."

"I told you that you could look over mine if you were having trouble," he said, a touch of concern in his voice. She glowered at him darkly and he laughed.

"Don't give me that face," he said. "I'm not questioning your integrity. The boys and I worked on it together anyway, that's why it didn't take that long for us."

"I don't need your pity," she said stiffly. "I got a little less sleep than I would have liked, but I wrote an incredible essay, so it's fine."

"It isn't pity, it's help. You're being proud again. You're just lucky I think it's cute. Besides, your health matters to me," he said seriously. She rolled her eyes softly, and smiled because he was smiling at her brilliantly as if he had just won a chess match against Remus.

Within half a moment, Sirius seemed to materialize out of nowhere and take the spot recently vacated across from them. He growled a yawn as his way of greeting.

She frowning softly, but put her spoon of porridge in her mouth so no one would notice. Why was it fine for Sirius to partake with them and not her own friends? She felt as if she was always giving him concessions that he felt no obligation to return for her. It made her feel a touch used, and she opened her mouth to say something, when he took her by surprise.

He placed a piece of toast, buttered and spread with strawberry jam, in front of her. She looked at it, and then at him, as if awaiting an explanation, like perhaps he was momentarily placing it there while rearranging his plate, but he said nothing. He was in fact pointedly looking at his own meal, while Sirius seemed to be raptly shifting his face between the two of them.

She was very confused. "Is this for me?" she finally asked, when no clarification seemed forthcoming.

"Of course it's for you. I placed it on your plate, didn't I?" he said.

She wanted to ask why, but at the same time could not. She wondered if it was because he was continuing on in his line of her health mattering and he thought she needed to eat more. She was already close to full and she really did not want that much sugar this early. Perhaps he thought he was helping, which was just very silly because she rarely ate toast so it had not saved her a step by any measure.

She sat there, looking at the toast and frowning softly, and her skin seemed to itch slightly with anger, but she could not quite figure out why and so did not voice anything. In fact, very quickly Sirius brought up other topics of apparent interest, and she did not speak for the entirety of the meal.

………………..

"He made toast for you?" Marlene whispered, confused, though whether it was from the blue spots her stick-turned-umbrella had begun spouting or from the idea of James making toast, Lily was not entirely sure.

"Yes," she whispered back, now lazily adding different patterns to her umbrella in a silent effort to make Marlene look like she had put the blue spots there on purpose.

Marlene smiled, and turned away from her umbrella. "But whatever for?"

"I've absolutely no idea," Lily said. "The whole matter is entirely baffling."

"Well, listen, I'm sure it's not the strangest thing he's ever done, and I don't mean to sound patronizing, but well, you didn't _eat_ it, did you? I mean, I know he's your boyfriend now and all, but it just sounds suspicious to me."

"That's why I told you," she whispered, and they shared a smile. "I was afraid I was just being paranoid."

She snorted. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Marlene said in a conspiring voice. She made a spooky noise before she giggled softly. "You can't get much closer than the two of you already are."

"Oh, ha ha," Lily said, but she was smiling as well. "I just can't figure out why else he would have done it."

"I thought you didn't like toast that much. You rarely eat it," she said, once again considering the seriousness of the topic.

"I know, that's my point. Still, he doesn't eat breakfast all that often, and maybe he hasn't noticed," she said, but they both made skeptical faces.

"James Potter hasn't noticed something about you?" Marlene asked, and then shook her head. "No, more likely he was forced to try and poison you, but he didn't actually want you to get poisoned so he very nonchalantly gave you something he knew you wouldn't eat."

"That is the silliest thing I've ever heard," Lily said giggling, then quickly changed her giggling to coughing as she caught the professor's gaze on her. She resumed changing her umbrella back into a stick.

"And yet still the most sensible of all of our options," Marlene said, still trying to get the blue spots to leave. She finally managed it before declaring, "Ha!"

"That doesn't reassure me," Lily said, and quickly changed the stick into a beautiful teal green with white polka dots, two-person umbrella. She smiled and Marlene made a soft noise of frustration.

"Well, you're brilliant. You figure it out. Meanwhile though, help me get this spell right!"

………………

That night, James came back a half an hour past curfew. She had been anxious, but she didn't want to worry for no reason. Still, he hadn't said anything at supper and she could not help wondering. When he finally did stroll in, she had expected an explanation.

"Evening, darling," he said cheerfully, and flung himself down on the couch beside her.

"James," she said, trying to be serious, but he lifted his hand to brush at her bangs that had grown a little too long, and it was difficult to frown at him while he did that. She grabbed his wrist and he frowned at her expression.

"James, where have you been?" she asked. He blinked at her in surprise.

"Just out," he said casually with a shrug of his shoulders.

"It's half nine," she said, as if telling him the time might clear up the subject of her frustration.

He frowned now. "I didn't know we had any plans," he said, and his brow furrowed as if he was trying to remember.

"We didn't," she said. "I've just been doing work."

"Then what's the problem?" he asked, and now he smiled at her brilliantly, so that she felt entirely stupid.

"Nothing," she said, and pulled her hand out of his grasp. She turned back to her parchment.

"Lily," he said, and tried to draw her back to him.

"If you don't see the problem James, then there obviously isn't one," she said sharply.

He was quiet for a long moment, and she thought he was angry with her. "You were worried about me," he said, and a slight marvel was in his tone.

"I was not," she denied, but she felt as if she were pouting.

"Why were you worried?" he asked, but his tone was almost sing-song, and it set her skin aflame.

"I _wasn't_ worried, I said," she said forcefully.

"Fine," he declared with a fake sigh. "I suppose then I will just have to amuse myself with the thought that you, a quiet damsel, has been wondering where her errant knight has gone, in the hopes that he would return swiftly from his quest to find food, and ravish her senseless."

Finally, she turned to him, with a look that quite clearly said she was not amused. He laughed right out at her now, and she bit back her own smile. "That was by far the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say," she said, trying to regain her angry countenance.

Finally, he seemed to sober up. "You're quite right," he said solemnly. "'Quiet damsel' is possibly the worst expression I could have ever used to describe you."

She threw her book at him, and he laughed as it whacked the arm he had put up in defense. Then, he tackled her back on the couch and began planting fierce kisses all over her face.

"Stop it!" she cried, but couldn't stop laughing. Finally, when he had had enough, he settled his face into her neck and sighed.

"You're still mad," he whispered to her.

She was still angry with him, a little. He never seemed able to apologize. It wasn't that it bothered her so much, because she didn't want him to say it if he didn't mean it. It was just that he would never change his behavior, and next time he would do the same thing. It was just…inconsiderate.

Inconsiderate was not horrible, she told herself. She could live with inconsiderate if it ended in kisses. "I'm not mad," she said, and he pulled his face out of her neck to look at him. He frowned at her, but didn't say anything.

"It doesn't matter," she amended, and he sighed.

………………….

A week had passed and every morning he joined her for the end of breakfast, and made her toast. Often, their friends would watch and neither of them would make any note of it. In fact, they both did their best to ignore it.

Lily did not, however, ignore the fact that every time he came to sit down, he never tried to enter into conversation with her friends, except for the occasional Quidditch talk with Dorcus, and the necessary monosyllabic answers at any question fired his way.

Otherwise, his behavior was normal, and he seemed quite happy with the workings of the world. He went out of his way to annoy and please her, almost in a delicate balance that sometimes made her wonder if he was purposefully doing it to make her question whether or not he cared.

Always, in the end, just as she was about to say something, his eyes, dark with endless burning embers of seriousness and fear, would turn to her, as if out of desperation. She would hold his gaze until he settled again, as if for a moment restless despair had seized him. It scared her sometimes, and others it made her skin burn with awareness, because sometimes she felt like he looked, and she was desperate just to know he was there.

As she came out of Potions on her way to Charms, she was talking with Marlene about Marlene's attempts to snare a Ravenclaw who had caught her eye, and she noticed James and Emmeline Vance in discussion. She was beautiful in the delicate way she held her books, in the soft waves her hair made down her back, in her large eyes and small mouth forming words that were obviously upsetting James a great deal.

Lily had not realized she had stopped to watch their conversation until Marlene whispered unkindly, "What does that little witch think she's doing?"

They watched as James shook his head and said something heatedly back. Emmeline put her hand on his arm softly, and rubbed gently. She tilted her head and said something in a calm tone. James moved his arm away. Emmeline shook her head, smiled at him, and said one last thing before leaving.

James sighed and looked over. Their eyes caught. He quickly turned and began to walk away. Lily followed without any consideration to Marlene. Lily caught up to him and began walking alongside him as if nothing were wrong for several moments until he slowed his fast pace some.

"What did she say to you?" she asked. She could not help if her tone had a slight bite to it.

"Nothing," he replied automatically, but she was expecting it.

"Nothing?" she deadpanned. She stopped, and touched his arm, trying to get him to stop. For a moment, she was afraid that he would pull from her grasp as he had done to Emmeline, but after the lightest tug he stopped and turned to her.

His eyes bit into hers, like he was angry and ready to explode, and she was there for him if he needed to, but after a moment, his eyes swept across her and then away.

"I said it was nothing alright?" he said, but he turned to face the direction they had been walking.

She didn't know what to say. "Fine," she snapped.

He looked at her because of her tone. "Fine," he said sharply. The way he had looked at her didn't leave her mind.

…………………..

"Listen, um, I think I'm going to head on to bed. I'm knackered." He did not meet her eye as he said this, but stretched his arms up and back over his head.

"Oh," she said, which was not what she wanted to say. She wanted to ask why he was lying to her.

"Are you going to be up for a bit?" he asked in a tone that was entirely too casual for her own liking.

"Yes," she said, though she had not intended to be until he had asked. She watched him carefully and saw him stiffen slightly. She did not think she had ever been so angry with him.

"Oh, alright," he said, but a quick flash of concern flitted across his features. He turned and went into his room. She heard him getting ready, heading into the bathroom to change, the pipes in the wall making noises at appropriate intervals. She listened as he made a big show of climbing into his bed and rustling around for several minutes before finally becoming still.

The silence wore on. For all appearances, he was asleep. She stayed there and waited. She read a bit from her book, but her ears were focused on picking up on the smallest sound and every spark from the fire or fidget from the furniture redoubled her attention.

Finally, she heard the almost imperceptible sound of footsteps making their way ever so slowly across the room. Silently she waited, forcing her eyes to skim over lines. As the footsteps came closer to her they slowed even more, taking half a minute between one and the next. She turned a page and shifted on the couch, and she could hear the sharp intake of breath right behind her.

She waited a moment. Surely he had to know that she knew he was there. Surely he would either reveal himself or turn back around. There had to be a reason, she thought.

But after a whole minute of silence, the footsteps began again to make their way toward the portrait hole. She knew in her bones right at that moment that when he got to the portrait, he would cast a soft sleeping charm on her.

"Silencio!" she cried, her fury finally made visible. His head suddenly appeared before for, his angry face surprised and frustrated. He yelled at her, even though no words came from his mouth.

"I can't _believe_ you," she said, and felt her eyes burn with fire and tears. "You lying, scheming, dirty little sneak!"

She began to storm away from him, but his invisible hand grabbed her and pulled her back around.

"Don't you dare touch me!" she exclaimed, shaking his hand from its grip, but unable to keep the tears pouring fast from her eyes. "You lied to me! You just stood there and lied to me, like I wouldn't be able to tell, like everything was alright! And then you go and try and sneak out without saying a word to me under an invisibility cloak, like I wouldn't notice!

"I can't believe you! I thought we trusted each other. I thought we were in a mature relationship. Obviously I was wrong," she said, and he pulled her tight into his arms and kissed her head.

He still had no words and she did not want to hear them. He held her tight, even against her struggles until she stopped fighting him and finally gave up. "I don't want to be with you, James," she said once her tears had stopped and her voice sounded strangely hollow.

At this, he pulled back, but kept his grip strong on her. He pointed insistently at his mouth and glared at her. "No!" she said. "I don't want to hear what you have to say!"

He gave her a look that chilled her spine. It said that she could either undo the spell, or he would, and she would pay for it.

She pushed out of his grasp.

"Lily," he said, his deep tone commanding her. The only thought that seemed to clearly surface was that he was so powerful and he always performed wordless incantations with seeming ease.

"I didn't want to lie to you." Those words slipped over and through her and she wanted them to wash away the pain of the past few minutes, but they didn't.

"But you did."

"I did," he said.

He was silent for a long moment. She wanted him to apologize, but he didn't anymore than he already had.

"If I had said that I was restless, and I wanted to go out with the boys for the night, that I wouldn't be out too late, that I'd be careful, you would have been okay with it I think."

"You could have said it, if it were true. I would have understood."

"I don't want you to understand," he said. Finally, she turned to look at him.

"So you lied to me because I'm too understanding? Please James, help me to see how you're the victim here," she said, bitterness and disbelief coloring her voice.

"Sometimes I don't think it's possible to be as close as we are, and sometimes I feel like we do things to try and break each other apart because we're afraid.

We're afraid that this is too much too fast, or that one of us cares more than the other."

She knew that he was referring to her with the former, and it cut through her to realize he meant himself with the latter.

"I lied because…I don't know. This is going to sound stupid, but…I wanted you to catch me. I wanted to know that you know me as well as I know you. I want to know that you won't let me get away with things, with acting like an immature idiot now because we're together.

"You were the only one that never let me get away with anything. I didn't want that to change and I thought…I thought maybe it had."

She shook her head to help clear it. "I'm mad at you. I'm so mad at you right now."

She sighed in frustration. "What made you do this?"

"Emmeline Vance."

"_What_?"

It was his turn to sigh. "When she came up to me outside Potions the other day, she said some things. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset over it. I thought she was being stupid, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought maybe she was right."

"What kind of things?" she asked, indignant.

"It wasn't…bad. She was congratulating me on how different we were. She just said that I had changed and that you had changed and she kept saying it in this way that seemed to imply that we weren't being honest with one another and it just made me angry."

"So you lied to me to prove her point?"

"Her point whether she meant it that way or not was that nobody believes in us! I didn't want it to be true. We fight a lot of the time, but we've always been honest. I thought if I lied and you couldn't tell, then…"

"Then what? You wouldn't love me anymore? You'd break up with me? I wasn't good enough? What James?" she couldn't believe the way he seemed to cut her without even trying, like every artery from her heart was pumping stinging throbbing poison through her veins to her capillaries to the very tips of her being and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

He said nothing. She couldn't believe that there was anything that could make her feel worse, but his lack of words hurt more than she thought she could bear. She was already sobbing softly. She didn't know how to let go of the emotions inside her. She only knew she didn't want them to be hers.

"I'm not with you because I want to be," he said and his voice was angry and hard. She hated when he used that tone and she tried to clear her vision enough to gauge him, but as soon as she did her eyes teared up again. This time, whatever he was going to say, he meant it. "I'm with you because I can't not be. You can't speak without a tongue, you can't walk without legs, you can't eat without a stomach, you can't think without a brain, and I can't feel _anything_ without you."

"But more than any of that…_more_ than that, I don't want you to sacrifice any part of yourself to be with me. I don't want you to be calm, and I don't want you to compromise, and I don't want you to be considerate of me. I want you to be honest, and I'm afraid we aren't anymore. Emmeline was right. We've changed."

"You don't want me to be calm? Well fine! This is me _not_ calm! I hate the way you treat my friends, like they aren't important! They've made every effort to be nice to you and you still treat them as an afterthought! You look down on other people for not trying to achieve the same things you don't even want! You still make me feel horrible for working hard because it isn't as easy for me, but I don't know how to balance my life like you do! And Merlin I hate when you toast my bread! I have two hands and a wand, and I don't even like strawberry jam!"

"Well you turn your nose up at anything against the rules! You always make me feel guilty for doing the things I do! You read too much and spend too much time doing your work instead of letting me help you because you're too proud! You are so afraid of what everyone else thinks that you can't even decide what you want without knowing what others think first, even when it comes to me! And I hate toasting your bread for you! It somehow always gets in my hair and the boys tease me endlessly about it!"

"Then why in the _world_ do you do it?"

"Because I _bloody_ thought that was what you wanted!"

"Why would you _ever_ think that?"

"Because girls are always griping on about how men don't do enough to show their feelings, and how it's one thing to say the words, and another entirely to show that you mean it. I want you and I'm afraid that sometimes you think that that's all I want. It isn't. So I fixed your breakfast for you, even though it's something I loathe to do for myself, because I thought you would see that I was doing something I loathe if it would make you happy because you being happy is important to me!"

"How was I supposed to know all _that_?"

"I don't know! Bloody magic!"

"You are such an idiot! A mean, _lying_, idiot!"

He kissed her hard. Her body was ready for it, and when he pinned her down, she struggled softly, but in a way that showed she didn't want to win. He pulled her hands behind his head and her fingers weaved tightly into his hair. They gripped hard, and he bit her lip in return.

The buttons of her blouse came undone, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She was too angry and too happy. He cared about her so much that he would lie to her if it meant being honest, and he trusted her enough to risk losing her.

"I'm yours," she whispered brokenly as he nuzzled at her neck, his tongue doing things to her skin that was going to leave marks. "And you hurt me so much."

"Love mends hearts," he said, sharp and sure. "But it breaks them too, and sometimes it does both just because it can."

His hands no longer played at the edges of her undergarments, but slid under, smoothing and sliding across the expanse of skin they found there. He could feel her heart beating in her chest and it matched the heavy pounding in his ears. She felt as if he was trying to touch her heart, and she arched her back as his fingers slid along her sensitive areas, and his mouth came down to caress the valley between her breasts.

"God Lily," he gasped. "Stop me."

"No," she whispered. She didn't want him to stop. Her heart still hurt, but somehow with his hand so close, it kept beating anyway.

"Why do things always escalate so quickly between us?" he asked distractedly.

"Take off your shirt," she said. He buried his face in her neck as his hands kept stroking her, groaning softly. Her hands slid between them.

"This isn't going to end well," he groaned to her as her fingers slid his buttons undone.

"Kiss me," she said, and his lips met hers hard.

Much later, when the fire had burnt down to embers and the rest of the castle had gone to bed, his hands pulled away from her and gripped at the cushions. They were both still struggling to breathe, and he felt as if the room was spinning. His body wanted just a little more friction, and it seemed all he could do to hold himself still.

"You make me dizzy," he said softly, and his voice for some reason was raspy.

"Hmm," she agreed, and lay back on the cushions. "You're stopping?"

"I have to," he said. "I know we just got through the whole no more lying, even tiny ones, thing, but I need you to do me a favor and stay out here. You could read a book, for maybe ten minutes or so, before getting ready for bed."

She raised her eyebrow. "Why?" she asked.

"It's embarrassing," he said, and nuzzled his face back into the crook of her neck. Her fingers came up to thread through his hair and he could barely stand it. He groaned softly

"What is?" she asked.

"I just…want to take a quick shower," he said.

"But," she whispered, before something tingled at the back of her mind. "Oh," she said.

"I love you," he said, and there was such desperation in his voice, as if he was asking her not to condemn him for it.

"I love you too," she said softly, blushing harder, if that was possible. He didn't meet her eye, but he kissed her one last time before getting up and leaving. She turned on her side, and looked at the fireplace. She didn't bother to fix her blouse. She tucked her hands beneath her head and closed her eyes.


	14. Girls don’t like boys who whine

**AN:** an update? what? No seriously, if you are reading this: thank you for your incredible patience.

…

"James?" the voice was wary.

"Yes Sirius?" James asked without looking up from his pages.

"What is it you're doing? Because from here, it looks like you're doing your schoolwork, and that's just preposterous," Sirius explained slowly.

"I'm not doing my schoolwork," James said casually. Sirius sighed softly in relief. "I'm doing Lily's."

Sirius blinked. Then he choked, "What?"

"Lily," James said, his voice sounded irritated at the interruption. "I'm doing her schoolwork."

When no explanation was forthcoming, Sirius was starting to feel the urge to throttle his best friend. "Why would you be doing _that_? Did she blackmail you?"

"No," James said tightly, finally stopping his work to look up at Sirius. "I offered."

"Why in the bloody hell would you do _that_?" Sirius asked. "And why in the world did she say yes? Are we talking about the same little-miss-priss you're dating?"

"Yes, the same. I'm doing her Potions homework because she doesn't need to do it. She knows it all and anyway Slughorn would give her full marks if she just marked her name at the top of a parchment and handed it in so it's not that difficult."

"But why are _you_ doing it then? Like you said it's not that difficult and you don't need the review either!"

James shrugged. "Because I've the time. Lily's at her Charms Club tutoring fifth years for their OWLS and I want to spend some time after dinner with her before we go out. I'll be rubbish tomorrow and I've got you to help me then so we don't get behind. Plus, in exchange, Lily's promised to make all of our excuses in first and copy her notes for us."

"She did?" Sirius was surprised.

"Her idea too. I thought it was rather wonderful of her actually." James peaked up from his work to take note of Sirius's face finally.

"Well," he said, and his brow furrowed. "That's wicked of her."

"Hmm," James agreed, as he finished the paper with a flourish. "Listen, I'm not saying you have to, but I'm trying to be nice to Lily's friends and I was wondering if you can think of topics we could talk about. It's not that I'm mean to them now, but I just don't have anything to say to them! I can only ask Alice about Frank so many times before she's bound to get pissed I keep bringing up her boyfriend who isn't around and I can only talk with Dorcus about so many Quidditch plays before everyone else is left out of the conversation. As far as Marlene goes, I've just no clue at all."

"James, that's pathetic. What's even more pathetic is that you're asking me. It's not as if I associate with any of them, and just because your girlfriend is making you play nice, it doesn't mean I'm going to do anything but laugh. Loudly," Sirius drawled.

"Sirius," James said, pulling out the trump card. "Are you telling me that there are girls in this school you _don't_ have any clue about how to chat up? That the only reason you don't associate with them is in fact because you, well, can't?"

Sirius glared at him darkly. "That was just low. Fine."

Sirius plopped down into the chair and spread himself into a lounge, one leg thrown over the end. "Alice is easy. She loves small furry creatures, licorice whips and her boyfriend. She dislikes rainy weather, foul language, and mean gossip. Alice is applying to be an Auror as well, so you can definitely talk to her about her application and what drives her and all that."

"Dorcus isn't too bad. Her favorite team is the Holyhead Harpies, her favorite class is transfiguration, like you, and she wants to be an animagus. Her Mum's a Muggle, Dad's a Wizard, and she's taking NEWT level Muggle Studies. She is tragically allergic to pumpkins, so avoid offering her juice, pasties, or pie."

"Marlene, well, there's a girl whose put herself on a pedestal though there must be some foundation. Did you hear? She's been tapped for the Department of Mysteries? Had an interview with some big to-do over winter break apparently, but she's still considering her options.

"I don't think she'd upset me so much if she wasn't always looking down her nose at everyone. I mean, she's done a pretty good job of keeping her mouth shut about Remus since she found out about him on accident in first year," Sirius idled.

"How in the _world_ do you know all that?" James asked, dumbfounded.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Because I'm observant," he drawled. "And resourceful."

"I'm observant too, but I never knew any of that!"

"That's because in my mind, every girl is an opportunity. Whilst for you, Lily was the only one you've even given thought to." Sirius looked away. "The marauders were lucky she didn't like you for the past seven years or you never would have taken an interest in _us _if you could have been spending your time with her and not needing to blow off steam," Sirius said, his tone darkly playing.

James winced. "You don't mean that," he said, but Sirius just grinned at him wolfishly. "Padfoot, you're my _best friend_. You mean the world to me, you idiot. I'd never be half as decent as I am without your influence and you know it."

Sirius grinned, but it was a dog-like bark that escaped his lips. James turned to him, eyes as serious as stone. "Sirius, move to London with me. When we graduate, we'll all enter the academy together and we'll get a flat in London. It was torture this summer without you around all of the time. I need you in my life. Please."

"Please?" Sirius repeated, finally looking thrown. "You're actually asking please?"

James said nothing, only continued to look at him with intense surety.

"Well, I mean…oh Merlin, you and Lily will have your own room, won't you? You better soundproof the walls, because I am not losing any sleep because you two are having too much fun in the other room," Sirius grimaced, looking disgusted.

James laughed. "Us? What about _you?_ You'll have the whole city of London to corrupt, and I want to hear no part of it."

Sirius grinned darkly again, his voice like velvet. "You can't tempt those that don't _want_ to be tempted," he drawled, but James only laughed and shook his head.

…

James sat down to breakfast next to Lily several days later. He did not make her toast. He did not look around for his own friends.

He looked pointedly at Alice and asked. "Have you heard anything back about your application yet?"

Conversation stopped. James tried not to take notice. Lily tried not to stare. Alice smiled at him. "My Auror application?" she clarified and he nodded.

"Oh, no. Have you?" She inquired politely.

"No, I haven't. I heard a rumor though that some letters are sent out sooner than others, if the application was received early. I didn't know when you sent yours in, so I thought I would ask," James explained.

"I sent mine in rather late, just before break actually, so I probably won't get mine before you or Lily," Alice continued.

James nodded, and then went out on a limb. "Do you have living arrangements with Frank? For if you get accepted?"

Alice blushed, and he could tell by Marlene's dark look that this was not a good question to ask. "Oh, um, no. My family wouldn't approve. I'll live at home until training is done. Frank is living in one of the dormitories they provide. His mum is, well…"

Struggling for the right word, Marlene cut in with a soft smile. "Overbearing?"

"For lack of a better word," Alice said with a small frown. "I suppose strong would be a more apt term."

"Oh Alice, always thinking the world of people," Marlene said, her eyes cutting into James's. "Even those you don't particularly like."

James understood the challenge there, though no one at the table mistook it. He smiled right back at Marlene as he drawled, "And what about you McKinnon?"

"Oh, I always make a point of being honest about my feelings. I'm not diplomatic like Alice," she said with a little sneer.

"Oh, I wasn't referring to your opinion of unfavorable people. _I_ know how you handle those. I was referring instead to your offer at the Department of Mysteries, and if you had plans to move to London, or if you were entertaining other options?" James cut in.

Marlene looked surprised, as did Alice and Dorcus. Lily looked at him, unsure where he had found that out. It certainly wasn't from her, and she looked quickly to Marlene, to try and convey this, but Lily's surprise at James had obviously shown this to Marlene because she did not look at Lily with any accusation in her eyes.

"I suppose we'll see," Marlene said after a moment's pause, but she kept her tongue civil for the rest of the conversation as James continued on to ask Dorcus how the Holyhead Harpies were fairing and offered to loan her a book on animagus transformation he had that he thought she might enjoy.

When they all stood to head to class, Marlene walked up to James and pulled slightly on his robe. He turned back to her and she waited for the others to get a few steps ahead before speaking.

"I know why you're being nice to us. It bothers Lily," Marlene said, her nose slightly in the air and her tone a bit snotty. She pursed her lips, before sighing. "Still, for what it's worth…thank you."

James did not have a moment to respond before the girl swirled away in her robes. Lily stopped to fix a buckle that had, upon closer inspection, nothing wrong with it, and James waited with her until they were alone.

"James?" she said, not looking at him, but beginning to walk down the hallway.

"Hmm?" He said, following alongside.

"We're a bit early for class still," she said casually as she could. "Is there perhaps a secret hallway or room between here and our destination that you happen to know about where I could perhaps persuade you to join me in for a few minutes?"

"For what?" he asked, for a moment truly at a loss. If she was mad, wouldn't she just get mad at him right where they were? They had never been private about it before, and he had thought the morning went well? At least she couldn't blame him for his good intentions.

"For the purpose of a snogging session," she said, her face still forward, her tone still light. James almost stumbled. She turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

He grinned, before quickly dragging her through the hidden corridor behind the mirror on the third floor. "Will this do?" he asked.

She laughed at his urgency. "I suppose, though it is a bit drafty…" she teased.

Missing her tone, he cuddled himself into her. "Then I shall be your coat," he said, and began to lightly rub his head against her chest.

"James!" she laughed, indignant, but she knew that he was only joking. "What are you doing?"

"It's important for coats to be snug in areas where blood flow is key. As such, I am snuggling with your heart," he said, and for as much as she wanted to be angry, she found she couldn't be.

"Are you warming up yet?" he asked, his tone sly and she finally had enough.

"I will hex you, you know," she warned, and he laughed, before sliding his face up into her neck.

"You," he said, his breath heavy, "Smell really good."

She grinned at him. "Oh?"

"Yeah, I mean, you always smell good, but right now you just…" he said, and the dark look in his eyes sent a thrill through her stomach. She felt a little excited and a little nervous.

"You remember the plant you gave my mum?" she asked, and his brow furrowed slightly, confused as to where the conversation was going.

"Sure," he said, and his hand came up to play with a piece of her hair.

"Well, she made an oil with some of the blooms and sent it to me to wear as a perfume," Lily said. "It's my mother's way of saying…she approves of you."

"Oh," he said. He looked at her for a long moment, as if studying her. She looked back at him, confused about his survey, and trying to think of the right thing to say. Perhaps he was thinking about her father, or perhaps he did not like the perfume now that he knew the story behind it. She was just about to voice her thoughts, when he spoke.

"I want you to meet my parents."

She blinked. She didn't quite know what to say. She supposed a polite acceptance was the right response, but she couldn't seem to push the words passed her lips.

"I know that you met my mum that time, but it was so rushed and she didn't know really who you were to me. She was distracted," he said, as if that explained the way she had acted towards them, as if it had brushed away her behavior, but Lily still remembered the dismissive attitude and was hesitant.

"You haven't met my dad yet either," he said softer, noting her expression. "We could go on a Hogsmeade weekend, apparate from the village for the afternoon, for lunch or tea? Please?"

It was the please that won her, that made her realize her face must have shown more of her reticence than she wished. She knew her emotions weren't fair, especially with what James had encountered with her own family, so she smiled at him.

"I'd be delighted," she said primly, and he grinned.

"Really? They'll love you, I promise. Not as much as I do, but that's only to be expected as I love you so incredibly much," he reassured her, and it was impossible not to laugh.

"James, its fine. I'm not worried," she said, and she could tell he could see through the bold-faced lie, so she added softly, "Not if you're not."

He smiled at her, and if there was any lingering trepidation in his eyes, she told herself that it didn't matter because he wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't think it was important.

He frowned as he glanced at his watch. "We were not supposed to spend this whole time talking. We were supposed to be kissing. That way, I would be more of a gentleman because I had spent the whole day getting to touch you and would not be a depraved wild man that I on occasion resemble."

She giggled as she picked up her bag from the floor and placed a light kiss on his protruding lips. "Don't pout," she said lightly. "Girls don't like boys who whine. You'll never get to third base that way."

He growled at her and lunged, and she squealed and tore off, unable to hold back her laughter as he chased her to class. Twice he managed to catch her: once around the middle but as he picked her up her legs had kicked wildly and he had to set her down or risk bruising his shins, and the second was right before the classroom entrance as someone had come around the corner and she had stopped to avoid collision, her face red and full of giggles instead of apology. He had grabbed her then and kissed her soundly, before pulling back and making loud growling noises against her throat as he buried his head against her and held tightly to her waist.

"Stop it!" she cried, but she was laughing too hard to sound angry. She bat at him with her arms as her book bag slipped off her shoulder. "James! Stop it this instance!"

Others around them were laughing as well as they collected for class, making comments and jokes. Sirius let out a wolf whistle to everyone's amusement.

"Alright now, what seems to be the fuss?" Professor Slughorn inquired with a pleasant air as he came down the hall. Spotting the pair, he let out a belly laugh.

James finally let her go, and he bowed for his audience while Lily bent down to retrieve her books. "Sorry sir," James said sincerely. "Apparently pouting isn't attractive, so I thought I'd try another approach."

Everyone laughed, including Lily, though her bright red face and glare meant that he knew he was going to catch it later. He grinned at her, and she knew he didn't mind one bit.

They all filed into class without much more fuss, everyone settling into their seats for the day's lesson. Lily went to sit with Marlene and Alice, while James found his way to Remus and Peter. Sirius, it seemed, had found his seat with two other girls in their class without a third, and proceeded to wow them with his own animal-like behavior.

It wasn't until the end of the lesson, her potion a beautiful thick sea-green, that Lily looked around and noticed that Slughorn was looking over the homework with a worried frown on his features. She met James's eyes, his face showing concern, but she just winked at him. It did not surprise her when Professor Slughorn called to her after he dismissed the class.

"Lily," Professor Slughorn said. "I wonder if I might speak with you a moment."

"Of course Professor," she relied, and shifted her bag on her shoulder as the rest of the class filed out, James catching her eye as he left. She knew he would be waiting for her, and the thought gave her some comfort, but she knew that she could handle this on her own.

"You paper, while not lacking the caliber of most of your papers, was a bit different than usual," he began. "For starters, you typically write your papers consistently in the third person narrative and not in the first person. I have also never known you to use the word 'bloody' as you did in the phrase 'bloody stupid thorns'. These I might have overlooked, but it is still quite apparent that it isn't in _your_ handwriting."

He gave her a long look. "I was a bit surprised of course, and couldn't think of a reason why this would be, but after witnessing the display outside I realize that it is possible you have _dictated_ your essay to Potter?" he asked, providing her with a perfect excuse, and a nodding smile to indicate that it would be prudent for her to agree.

"No, sir," she said. He seemed crestfallen.

"Well then what excuse _can_ you give?" he inquired, and it was quite obvious he was loathed to believe the worst in her, even with all of the evidence.

"James wrote my paper," she said.

"I'm sorry?" Slughorn said, a bit of a smile hinting at his lips. Lily knew she would not get in trouble, not now, and plowed on in all seriousness.

"James wrote the paper and I signed my name at the top. I asked him to write it for me. You'll probably note the similarities in the points of his essay and mine." Slughorn seemed a little baffled, but almost to the point of laughter.

"To be honest, I had planned to have him write the next one as well. I give him assignments to do so that he stays out of trouble and I can spend time with my friends. I try to keep him on a tight leash, but I worry when he isn't supervised, you understand. I hope that won't be a problem?" She asked, polite concern on her face.

"Oh ho!" Professor Slughorn laughed. "You're trying to keep Mr. Potter in line? That's one excuse I haven't heard before, and I've been teaching the Marauders for the past seven years! Well then, be sure to tell Mr. Potter to leave the profanity out next time!"

"I will sir," she said, smiling. "Thank you, sir."

She sauntered from the classroom, Professor Slughorn's laughter following her into the hall.

…

The owls swooped in, and Lily looked at the Ministry seal on her envelope, before looking up and catching Alice's eye. Both girls looked a bit peaky and gave each other encouraging smiles. When Lily went to look at James, however, she saw him casually ripping open the letter with ease, as if he corresponded with the Ministry on a regular basis.

Lily looked back to her own letter, wondering if she should wait to open it until later when she could be alone, but figured that no one would let her get away with that.

"Oh no," James said softly, and Lily's heart filled with dread. He sounded _miserable_. She looked up at him, and measured the frown on his face. _Surely_, she thought, he had to be joking. He couldn't be ripping apart everything they had talked about in regards to their future, because that just wasn't possible. Her mind filled with a thousand reasons why James hadn't been accepted, lingering on his probation and illegal animagus transformation.

Then her terror turned personal, and the thought struck her that if _James_ hadn't been accepted, then there was no way _she_ had been. At that point a sense of personal pride seeped in to say that well you never know maybe she _had_, only this seemed to make her feel heavier and more nauseous than before, because how in the world would she be able to join without him? Certainly she couldn't lie to him about it, but would she go without him, now that they couldn't be together? For a terrible moment her heart stopped.

"Lily!" he exclaimed, taking in her complexion. "It's only the date for the practical examination!"

Her face seemed to regain a bit of color. "What?" she asked softly. She looked across at Alice, who was looking at her with a great deal of concern.

"It isn't a decision Lily! Open yours and see!" she urged, and Lily, taking note of Alice's opened letter, quickly opened her own.

_Dear Miss Evans,_

_Thank you for your application to our program. The practical examination for Auror Training will take place on the 2 April 1976 at 11 o'clock. Please arrive to the Auror office in appropriate attire for the examination. You will be given further instructions upon your arrival. If for some reason you are unable to make this time, please send an owl and we will arrange for a separate examination._

_Sincerely,_

_M. F. Armortica_

_Head of Auror Division_

_Ministry of Magic_

Lily looked up at James, her dark anger radiating from her hot skin. "That _wasn't_ funny," she said to him, and his eyes shot wide.

"I wasn't making a joke," he countered, his face surprised innocence. She was trembling now, all of the anxiety of the past few minutes draining out of her leaving her stomach still unsettled as she clenched her hands.

James, eyes wide, made her a piece of toast with jam and smiled as he put it on her plate. She looked at the peace-offering and tried to calm herself. There must have been a reason, she thought. "Why," she asked slowly, "did you say 'oh no' with such dismay if the letter was only a notice?"

"Oh that," he said. "The date of the exam is the last Hogsmeade weekend. I had written my parents to ask if we could have tea then."

She blinked. She stood up, grabbed her bag, and sending him one last quelling glare, walked swiftly from the hall. She was not sure if she wanted him to follow her, but halfway to the common room he leapt out of a portrait in the corridor just ahead, and she kept up her fast pace to meet him instead of turning around.

"You are a horrible, awful, indecent human being!" she declared, jamming her finger into his chest to enunciate her words once she was in range.

"What was that all about?" he asked, his face looking both angry and bewildered at the same time.

"For a single horrible moment I sat there thinking for some insane reason you hadn't been accepted. I didn't know what to do or think or –or anything!" she cried.

His face broke, his emotions slipping away, and he came to her and buried her inside his arms where he could keep her safe. "Don't be stupid," he admonished. "I'm yours now. No matter what happens I'm doomed to follow after you like a stupid little puppy who doesn't know better. If you think all those years I was after you when you didn't even _like_ me were bad, imagine what I'll be like now that you've encouraged me with your affection. I'll be practically unbearable."

She wiggled her face out of his chest to look up at him. He kissed her nose, trying to release the hard expression from her face, but it only made her intensify.

"Lily," he began, but the resolute fire that licked her veins shook her head and cut him off.

"No," she said sharply. "This whole time, I thought it was going to get easier between us. I thought we'd come to a place where we were both individuals together and it wouldn't be such a struggle all of the time. We still fight and there are still people that don't approve or like the fact that we're together. When you touch me I still feel equal parts wonderful and terrified. We still have to schedule our time together in between everything else, and I can't sleep when I knew you aren't in the next room. Every day I feel like I'm losing a part of myself to you, and there are times when my skin crawls because I don't know where you are or what you're doing and I think what am I going to do when we're Aurors and we spend weeks apart?

"What are you saying?" he asked, and for the first time ever, she heard the slightest tremor in his voice. He was afraid, she realized, afraid that all of these thing were too much for her. She brought her hands to his face, and his skin was cold.

"I'm saying that everything is hard, that being with you is breaking me wide open and I didn't know it was supposed to feel like this. Alice and I talk sometimes, when it's just the two of us," she continued.

"What do you say?" he broke in, and his head seemed to be swaying slightly, as if he had not meant to ask, as if he did not want to know. She stroked her hand through his hair and held him steady.

"We play a game usually."

"How does it go?" he asked, but he was asking her to fix what she was saying, to change her serious tone, her deep sparkling eyes.

"One of us starts by saying 'I would break up with him if he…' and finishes with something horrible. Then the other one repeats the phrase and adds something worse. Sometimes we agree, like if either of you ever cheated, and sometimes we differ, like if Frank took up knitting sweaters for cats or if you took up skiing and wore neon jumpers. We keep going until we realize that even though it's hard, the reasons that things are hard aren't worth letting go or giving up because being with you is what keeps us going.

"_Nothing_ will keep us apart," she said, and her voice was filled with a conviction that sent fire through his veins. He was used to talking like that himself, but he wasn't used to seeing it in her.

He blinked furiously, and looked away from her. His jaw was locked hard and he appeared to be grimacing. She began to place light kisses along his jaw line and neck, her hands softly stroking his hair and face. He made a noise to clear his throat and bent to look at her. "I love you," she said, and every fiber of her being seemed to sing with it, racing on wings around her heart.

"I love you too," he said, voice tight, eyes unreadable. "I love you too."


	15. The testing is over

_Previously on beautiful contradictions:_ James and Lily make it to third base, Sirius is invited to move to London with James (and Lily?) at the end of the year, James tries to make nice with Lily's friends, and Auror letters are received for the practical examination for the day Lily was supposed to meet James's parents

This chapter is dedicated to **Missvee**. I hope things are better. Thanks for getting it.

….

In the weeks leading up to the formal Auror exam, those who were applying could be found in empty classrooms and common rooms with practice partners, and even on occasion unwilling participants, in their attempts at bringing their skills up to par. The Marauders had declared out and out war on each other, for the sake of preparation purposes, and thus walking to class had become a bit of a battlefield, wherein curses were shot out from behind unsuspecting statuary and shielded by other students. When James and Sirius were caught dueling in the halls by Professor McGonagall, who was not amused by their display, they both received detention for the week.

It was way past curfew when James finally finished his and made his way back to the Head Room. He entered quietly, rather sure Lily would already be in bed and not wanting to wake her. She had been staying up a bit later than he was ever since they had been issued the date of the exam, but he had not mentioned it.

He was thus surprised to find her still awake, with books strewn all over their table and her wand at the ready as she fired off spells onto a target she had placed against the wall. Black and smoking slightly, it looked as though it had been through quite the abuse.

"You're not picturing my head, are you?" he teased, and he could tell she was startled at seeing him without hearing him enter.

"Of course not," she said, before her eyes narrowed. "Should I be?"

He laughed. "Relax, I'm just back from detention. What are _you_ still doing up?"

She raised an eyebrow at his tone, and turned coy. "Nothing good," she replied, her tone haughty, as if suggesting he should be worried about what trouble _she_ had been getting into.

He grinned. "You _have_ been picturing my head!" he declared, and she laughed. He settled onto the floor by the fire, and raised his arm to her. It was still cool in the castle at night and the spring storms had the winds whipping around at leaves and parchments indiscriminately. She settled near him on the floor, abandoning her tense pose.

"How was detention?" she asked, putting her arms over her knees and tilting her head so she could look at him. He leaned himself back against the stone wall frame of the fireplace, letting the heat of it wrap back into his bones.

He shrugged, and slid the two-way mirror from his pocket. He let his hands play with the edges for a moment, before sliding it back into his cloak. "Sirius and I are going into Hogsmeade early for a butterbeer the morning before the exam. Would you or Alice want to join us?" James asked.

Lily gave him a flat look. "At ten in the morning? You must be joking."

"Just for a bit of a pick-me-up. It isn't _mead_," he said with a roll of his eyes.

"I doubt I'll be able to drink anything, let alone Butterbeer. I'll be too nervous," she said, then shook the thoughts away sharply.

"Why?" James asked, a curious furrow to his brow. "You'll be fine. Your wandwork is incredible."

She rolled her eyes. "You don't understand," she said, feeling as if she had said this phrase a thousand times before.

His hand caught hers and his fingers rubbed her wrist. "Explain it to me?" he asked and when she looked in his eyes, she sighed. What was it in him that broke through her defenses and sidestepped her doubts?

"Don't you ever get nervous?" she asked defensively, and was only frustrated further at his look of confusion. She knew he was not like her, but some part of him must have felt that way for _some_thing.

"You feel like your stomach has transfigured into a cauldron that's spewing noxious fumes, and your throat closes up like a pipe being squeezed shut. Your heart hammers in your chest and your bones feel hollow inside your skin. It's the dread of anticipation and the unknown. Doesn't it ever fill you up and strangle you?"

James looked at her softly. He brought his hand up to her hair and brushed a few fingers through it. "Sure," he said. "It's just…not something I plan on."

Her jaw dropped. "I don't _plan_ for it either!" she said, and ripped her hand from him.

He turned away from her and sighed. "You always get nervous before exams. I've never understood that, because I couldn't figure out how it helped you study better or learn the material any more than you already had. I'm not nervous about things like exams and Quidditch matches. It isn't because I don't care, it's only I don't worry about whether or not I'll do well because in the end I'm in control.

"I get nervous when things are out of my control. There've been some occasions when the boys and I were out. I was nervous when we first started seeing each other. I was nervous meeting your parents. If I have the power to shape the outcome, then I'll get what I want, but if it isn't up to me, then it's a risk, and I get nervous," he admitted.

"You're a control freak," she accused softly, and he turned to her with a grin.

"Shut up," he said, defensive, but he let out a huff of laughter.

"I always thought I was, but now I know better," she said, laughing herself. He pulled her hand back to him and placed a soft kiss in her palm before placing it on his face.

"You aren't a control freak. You're just obsessive," he said.

"_Obsessive_?" she said, trying to be angry, but she thought that it was probably true. "Maybe," she accepted softly.

"Should I have used the polite form 'dedicated' instead?" he asked, and she shook her head.

"No," she answered. "Because that isn't quite true, and we've already established that I don't appreciate you lying."

"Speaking of, why aren't you sleeping?" he said, and let his fingers play with hers, though his voice was a bit hard.

"I am planning on it," she said, with a roll of her eyes.

"You've been staying up much later than you've been letting on," he accused, and she looked away from him. "It isn't lying directly, but it is by omission. Do you think I haven't noticed the glamour charm under your eyes or your lack of energy? What have you been doing? And if you say 'studying' or 'practicing', I'm going to hex you."

She glared at him. "Not all of us can duel in the halls," she bit out at him.

"I thought you were practicing with Alice?" he asked.

"I am," she returned, but she was looking into the fire now, still avoiding his gaze.

He waited, but she offered nothing. "This is the part where you explain," he said softly, seriously.

"I can't," she said. "If I say it, then that might make it true. If I don't think about it, then I don't have to worry."

She put her arms across her knees again, tucking herself away, and he scooted closer to her. She would not let him have her hand so he ran his hands through her soft hair, playing with the ends and stroking along her scalp. She sighed.

"Do you think I don't worry?" he asked, and smiled at her softly, as if in admonishment because she should know better.

"I do," he said. "Much more than I would like to admit, but I can't change what isn't in my control so I try and let it go. I'm even pro-active about it: I try to do other things to keep my mind off of what I'm afraid of."

"Like eating and sleeping and goofing off with your friends," she said with a sigh, finally unburying her head from her arms.

"And making out with you," he added with his wicked grin. She scowled at him. "Want to practice with me?"

She rolled her eyes and he laughed at her response. "I meant practice dueling, though obviously if you'd prefer to practice kissing I'm well and sure ready for that."

She eyed him for a moment. "We've never dueled together before," she said, but the idea excited her. She had always thought James was brilliant at dueling, even when she had not liked him.

She was not used to using spells to engage with another and while she had always done well in DADA and Charms, she did not have the same gift for those fields as she did Potions. However, she thought, James was best at Transfiguration and even though he undoubtedly had more experience dueling, it did not mean that she would be much worse off than he. Magic was such a versatile and fluid art that it was always much more important who you were dueling with than the rules.

"Okay," she said, after a long moment of consideration. He smiled and nodded, and they stood. "Should we move the furniture back?"

"No, leave it. We don't know what kind of conditions the exam will have," he replied, and she nodded.

"Ready?" she asked. They faced one another. He nodded. They raised their wands and tossed out their curses.

"Ouch!" James cried, as her hex sliced his shoulder.

He had not moved and it surprised her. "Oh," she said, as drowsiness began to overtake her and she realized that what he had sacrificed in his movement, he had made up for in his aim and that the sleeping spell had struck her dead on. She was too tired to get angry, her eyes sliding shut, and as she began to slide to the floor, she felt James's arms wrap around her.

He kissed her forehead, and whispered to her, even though she could not hear him. "I told you I would hex you," he said. "And I will practice with you, but only after you've had sleep."

……………..

James tried to take Lily's hand as they headed down to Hogsmeade to apparate for the exam, but she was still a little miffed with him for the sleeping hex. "Oh come on," he said. "I can't keep apologizing."

He had practiced with her every night then on, but he held back, afraid she would only become more angry if he actually hurt her. She, on the other hand, was upset even more thinking that he was toying with her because she could not handle herself.

"You don't take me seriously," she said huffily, spinning to face him and stop him in his tracks.

"I take your wand seriously," he said, eyes wide at the look on her face. He saw her stern expression melt a little bit, and continued. "You're amazing. I say this as one of the few people who know what you're really truly capable of, and I'm not saying that as your boyfriend, I'm saying that as someone whose been on the wrong side of that wand for years."

She let out an exasperated huff, before uncrossing her arms and letting him take her hand. They turned as fell back in line with Sirius and Alice, who had politely stopped and engaged in conversation about the scarf Alice was wearing for luck given to her by Frank a few feet away. Sirius was suggesting she tie it in her hair so it would not become a hindrance and she would not run the risk of losing it.

As they turned up High Street, Lily took note of Gideon and Amelia Bones walking together and had to hide a smile to herself. When they reached the outskirts, they dropped hands and prepared themselves. She felt James tug on her cloak and hesitated, watching the others pop out of view. She turned to him.

"I love you," he said. "No matter what happens today, that won't change. Everything else could fall apart, but however this ends up, I need you to know that how I feel about you is the one constant I depend on."

She kissed him. "I'm yours James," she whispered, and quickly pulled away and apparated, leaving him with a dazed look on his face before he shook himself and disappeared.

As they all entered the office, Lily took note that they were not the only ones to have arrived. "Who are they?" Lily quietly asked James, while looking around casually and trying not to seem as if she were too interested or surprised to find more people. There were of course Sirius and Alice, Gideon and Amelia, and three other Hogwarts students, two Hufflepuffs and one Slytherin, but the room contained at least ten others that their party did not recognize.

"Other applicants probably," James replied just as quietly as he let his cool gaze sweep across the room at those practicing last minute spells and enchantments. "Home-taught, foreign students and re-applicants I suppose."

Everyone in the room was calculating each other, the tension setting a fierce competitive feeling through the air. Adrenaline began soaring quickly, and Lily took James's hand again to steady her shaking fingers. He squeezed softly, and for a moment she felt ridiculous. She saw a woman practicing a fire charm look at the gesture and saw the distain laced in her eyes.

For a moment, Lily wanted to toss James's hand away. She thought about what her fifth-year self had dreamed about for this moment, saw herself alone and strong and without fear. But she was afraid, she was terrified, and simply because she fantasized about being respected for her self-reliance and brilliance did not mean that if James were not there she would have felt that way. She thought about her apparition exam, about how she had once believed that James was not afraid or nervous of anything. It had seemed so long ago, but now he was by her side, because she had chosen it, and the thought that he was nervous too made her grip his hand comfortingly back and raise an eyebrow of defiance at the woman's degrading look.

"I see you have all arrived," a deep baritone slid through the air, sharpening attention to the doorway where a man in long black robes stood, his face revealing nothing as he surveyed the room. An Auror stood behind him, hands folded in front of him, eyes catching every detail of the room.

"My name is Malakai Armortica. I am Head of the Auror Department and I am in charge of your field examinations. Each individual will engage in a practical with a team of Aurors. You will enter through this door. You will attempt to make it to the other side. Once there, you will await further instructions before being dismissed.

"If at any point during the exam you feel you cannot complete the course, you will send up a red flare from your wand. If you do this, you are officially disqualified from the exam and must wait a year before you may reapply. I highly discourage it.

"Please form a line." Everyone scrambled to arrange themselves as close to the front as possible. "My associate will let you know when you may enter."

James and Lily, the last ones in, were already near the back of the room and did not put up much of a fight as the jostling continued. Alice managed to linger back from the queuing and trailed herself back towards them unable and unwilling to deal with the polite physical manipulations going on. Sirius, never one for patience, had managed to find himself third from the front, and with a cheerful wave and a wink back at them he was resolutely ready for his chance to duel with Aurors before the crowd had tired them out.

The wait was agony, but no one spoke. They had spent weeks, months, years, postulating on what awaited them on the other side of that door, and now was not the time for nervous conversation to throw off their determined focus to make it out the other side.

James, expecting to go last, was a bit surprised as Lily forced him in front of her. Their eyes locked and they both struggled with it.

"Meet me on the other side," she said.

"I can't do this knowing you're behind me," he admitted.

"You have to let me fight my own battles James. If ever there was a time to prove that you really trust me, now is it."

His eyes squeezed themselves shut. She was always so concerned about that, always so worried that he thought less of her. She shouldn't have to doubt his faith in her, but she did because he cared about her so much that it overshadowed his actions. He was always there for her, but she needed more than anything to do this on her own, to know for herself her own strength, to become the person he loved.

"Then I won't hesitate," he said, and abruptly turned and went the through the door without a glance backwards. She sighed and let the love that had been stirring inside of her slip away. She couldn't focus on that now.

Somehow, whether it was because she was last of all or because she knew that James would be safe on the other side or because she had been waiting her whole life for this moment, she felt her palms sweat and her throat begin to tighten and her muscles begin to tense. She was ready, she told herself, but no matter how much she repeated those words over and over in her mind, she could not help the cold grip on her heart that she felt when the Auror looked at her and told her it was her time.

…………….

They waited on the other side of the door as the last applicant fell through and Armortica stepped into view. "You may leave through the other side," he said, and shut the door. Another door appeared on the other side of the room as the first disappeared.

They all walked together from the room out of the test room together, talking amicably about how they thought they did. James and Sirius only had to share knowing smiles to express their jubilation at having performed so well, but it became very obvious to James very quickly that Lily's expression could not constitute anything other than frustration and anger.

"Hey, Lily, you alright?" Her glare demanded his immediate death.

"I'm fine," she said, her sharp sarcastic tone clearly indicating she wasn't.

"What's wrong? Don't tell me you think you failed?" Sirius asked in jest, and quickly swallowed his laughing smile at the look of pain and anger sliding over her features.

"Yes. I did. I don't think I did. I know I did. I've never done so poorly on any exam in my entire life, and that includes the Herbology exam in first year when I killed the apanephorous plant when we were suppose to keep it warm and I lit it on fire! I failed, completely and utterly fai..."

But at that moment, the words died on her lips. Everyone seemed to come to a standstill as they focused completely on the child, 50 meters up and away, dangling by a hand to the flag-post, crying out into the endless air his distress. No one recognized what they were actually seeing, frozen by the idea of what was happening.

"_Accio James's broom_!" Lily's voice rang clear, and James turned to look at her, but she wasn't paying attention to whether or not her spell had worked. She was already moving, but no one else seemed at all affected. Lily quickly pulled the scarf off of Alice's hair, and shoved it into Sirius's stomach, catching them off guard and pulling them from their reverie.

"Alice, go back to the testing room and see if you can find any of the Aurors. Tell them what has happened. _Go!_" she cried, pushing the girl in the opposite direction. The girl took off.

"Sirius, I want you to take this and transfigure it into a tarp that can catch the child in case it falls. _Everyone!_ Follow Sirius and help!"

James's broom raced towards, flying into her outstretched fingers from where she could not imagine. She straddled it without hesitation, and looked sharply at James. "Get on. I'll need you to fly this while I get a hold of the child." James did not need to be told twice. He literally jumped on the broom, kicking off and flying as fast as he knew how, feeling Lily grip at his waist with all her might. The child's screams only began to get louder and more distressed the closer they came, but Lily did not hear it. She watched as below Sirius had finished transfiguring the scarf into a giant plush comforter and everyone took a side. When Sirius looked to meet her eyes, she turned again to the child. That's when Lily noticed for the first time the wand in the child's pudgy little grip.

"Wa-ga-da-wa-da-wahhhhhh!" The child garbled. The next thing James knew, Lily was practically falling over the side of the broom, pulling him with her. He felt the hex wiz by his ear, right where his head would have been, and his eyes shot wide open in shock.

Finishing the barrel roll, James spun them up again, only to feel Lily's hand gone from his waist and to see her wand in front of his vision, the movement so fast he wasn't sure when she had moved.

"_Ameliorate!_" she cried, her spell hitting the child in the middle of its forehead. Immediately the spell began to take effect, the child's crying subsiding, and his whole body relaxing. Just as his grip began to slip from the pole, James rushed the broom forward, and Lily reached up her arms to catch and cradle the subdued boy.

The broom was turned and they began their decent, watching the Aurors, with Alice in the lead, rush their way. James touched the broom down and waited until Lily had removed herself and helped the child to stand before dismounting. Everyone in the test group seemed to reach them at the same time as the Aurors, and the throng closed in around the trio.

Lily's body trembled visibly, and James moved to console her. "It's alright Lily. The child is okay."

"It's not a child!" she declared, and that was when James knew that she was not trembling from overexcited nerves, but from rage that boiled under her skin. James instinctively moved back, as her eyes turned to the Aurors and in particular Armortica.

She walked up to him, her eyes spitting venom.

"How _dare_ you?!" she cried, and judging from their baffled looks, they did not think she would have reacted thus, but before any could react, she was gone.

The crowd turned to the Aurors, having watched the display, and that's when James's eyes widened as he realized just what had transpired. He looked to the child, and then back to the Aurors.

"This was a test?" he asked, incredulous. The illusion of their surroundings wavered and then fell away, revealing a blank, empty room and the door. Everyone's voices broke out at once, and Armortica took a moment before answering.

"Aurors are trained to handle emergencies," he said, his voice hard, his words unforgiving. "The kind of practical tests you took before are important, but not the determining factor. Aurors deal with pressures of all kinds. Many of you knew that the earlier testing would be difficult, but because you knew you were going to take an exam, you had time to prepare yourselves mentally for what was coming and you knew there would be an end to it. Becoming an Auror means you do not have these luxuries.

"Becoming an Auror tests all of your skills, but most importantly, your ability to react under pressures that you cannot predict, under pressures that only emergency situations can induce. Being able to handle yourself and others in these types of situations is what will determine not only your ability as an Auror, but the outcome of your life and the lives of others.

"This job is not one of glamour. Many people come in, many with exceptional talent, believing they will become heroes. If this is what you believe, this job is not for you.

A war is rising. Lives will be lost. If you survive your training, the life you will lead will require you to experience and do things you may have never believed yourself capable of.

"I do not just refer to what you can accomplish, but what you will have to witness, what you will have to endure, what you will have to sacrifice, and what you will have to lose.

"In this desperate time, many of you will be accepted into the program. It is my honest hope that the majority of you do not finish it, especially if this last display is what you are truly capable of. The parlor trick skills you showed us in the test room do not change the fact that there were twenty of you to save one child, and the lot of you stood there with blank looks of horror as a life hung in the balance.

"Take my advice: if today's problem was not one you could have solved without the leadership of another, then don't train. Becoming an Auror means the only person in the world you can trust and depend on is yourself."

A long silence hung in the air as everyone in the crowd reflected on what had happened and what they honestly believed they were capable of. "You are dismissed. The testing is over," Armortica said, before turning to the rest of the Aurors posted behind him and leaving.

………..

**AN:** I apologize for the wait. I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are appreciated more than you will know.


	16. myboyfriend says I’m terribly good at it

It seemed she was always looking into fires and out of windows now. James watched her, tried to give her space, but it was hard. He missed the Lily who stressed about year-end exams, who was always trying to drag him down to the lake for a little more sun even though her nose burned, and who never went a day without laughing.

He sat down next to her and took her hand. Startled, she looked at him. There were thoughts hidden behind her eyes now that he couldn't quite read. There had never been secrets like this between them. It seemed like a physical ache inside him, and he felt desperate for it to change, but he felt like he was moving even more slowly the more he tried to move faster and it was making him nauseous.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said. It was what she always said these days.

Normally he let it be at that, but he couldn't anymore. It was the last time that he would ever let her go last. He hated himself for leaving her behind undefended, for not knowing that something was wrong when she came out, for not understanding the situation faster, for his own inadequacies and failings.

"We have to. This can't go on. We need to talk about it," he said steadily. She looked at him for a long time.

"I don't know James. I don't want to talk about it because I don't know," she said, but her empty voice began to betray her emotions as she continued. "I don't know if I can deal with that every day. I don't know if it's what I thought it would be like. I don't know that I want to be an Auror anymore. I don't know what else I would do. I don't know if you still want to be an Auror. I don't know what this means for us, no matter what I decide. I don't know if I want to go back home. I just don't know _anything._"

"You know that I love you," he said, and her watery eyes unfocused for so long finally found his.

She smiled softly, and it was the first he had seen in days. "You love me," she said. "So much it's quite ridiculous."

He bit out a laugh, surprised. She sighed, and leaned into him. His arms readily came around her as if they had been waiting, stretching and bracing in preparation for this moment, since the incident. They probably had, she reflected, and softly buried her face into his chest. She let her fingertips play over his heart and loved that it still danced as if she were conducting it in song.

"What if it had been a child?" she asked. "That's all I can seem to think about. What if it had been real? If we hadn't made it on time? When I dreamed of being an Auror, I thought I'd be helping good people, that I'd only be hurting those that warranted it.

"I thought that it would demand dueling with criminals and I didn't think about children being involved, but surely some of them must have families. And what about by-standers that are used as hostages? What about my own future children? Could I live like that, constantly worried that my own child could be used to compromise my loyalty? And if so, how do I make sure that they'd be safe?

"A thousand questions are running through my head, and all I can answer with is that I just don't know what I'd do in a situation like that," she said. "You think that you can prepare for things like that, for this job, this lifestyle, but you can't."

"You sound like Armortica," he said.

"What?" she snapped, and he could tell that the comparison upset her.

"After you left, he said that being an Auror meant sacrificing in more ways than you could ever expect or imagine. It's true, because you can't expect those kind of situations are going to happen at any moment, but the people that handle themselves well have a responsibility to look after those who are caught in the moment. It's not a talent or a gift or a skill, it's just what we are.

"You were amazing that day, and I know you don't want to hear that because for you it was all a lie, but that was the real test of just what we were really capable of, and you were amazing."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore right now," she said.

He sighed. "Then come down to the lake with me and help me study for exams."

She looked up at him, and for the first time in a long time she really looked at him. Her lip, all on its own, finally lifted up her cheek. He smiled at her, ecstatic to see it. "What?" he asked.

"You want…to study? Today? Right now?" she said, and amusement lit her voice. "Who are you and what have you done with James Potter?"

"Ha ha, very amusing," he said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"I'm serious," she said, her tone anything but, her smile widening across her face. "I could duel you. My boyfriend says I'm terribly good at it."

He grinned, and narrowed his eyes. "Not as good as he is, though."

She laughed, affronted. "Oh really?" A wicked gleam came into her eye and they both pulled out their wands.

"That's right," he taunted, and the furniture began to move towards the walls. Protection charms began encircling the room, padding and radiating shields. "He's a Marauder, you know. And probably the youngest Animagus in four centuries. Not to mention quite an agile Quidditch player."

They were circling each other now. "If only he didn't have those two fatal flaws," she said. Their eyes caught and held, electricity sparking between them, heat emanating from them and energy pulsing through them.

"Please enlighten me," he said as he bowed to her.

She grinned darkly as he straightened. "Well his pride of course," she drawled as she bowed before him and the last of the furniture hit the wall. She raised and he waited. Everything was still.

"And me."

Explosions echoed throughout the castle and a dull rumbling rolled around the stones of the Head Tower as charms and transfigurations, hexes and curses reamed through the air to meet head on with jinxes and spells, counterattacks and repelling forces. When it ended, with wands held at each other's throats, gasping for breath and trembling from exhaustion, their eyes having never left the others, they slipped to the floor.

…………….

"You alright, mate?" Sirius asked warily the next morning at breakfast, but he did not look at his friend. Instead, he, along with Remus and Peter, warily stared at Lily as if at any moment she was going to grow another head and eat them.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Bit tired, but fine," James replied, as he dished up some porridge and placed it in front of Lily.

"Thanks," she said with a soft smile to him and proceeded to drip honey on top. The boys did not waver in their attention.

"Yeah you look fine…from what I can _see_," Sirius said with an intonation that made James look up.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, a wry smile on his face. He noticed the way his friends were staring at him, and the way that everyone else seemed to be looking pointedly elsewhere when he looked their way. When a first year squeaked as they accidentally caught eyes and scampered from the room, James looked to Lily for clarification, but she only seemed to be just as confused.

"Nothing, nothing. Nothing to think on."

When Lily looked up, the boys all dropped their gazes and pretended to be interested in their food. She blinked and smiled at James, who seemed to be just as unaware and amused by the whole situation.

"Just wanted to make sure the bloodbath is over. Wouldn't want to get caught in the crossfire, is all," Sirius mumbled.

"Crossfire?" Lily repeated startled.

"Bloodbath?" James asked. "What on earth are you talking about?"

A snort came from Remus. "Do you think there was anyone in the castle that didn't hear you two yesterday? Whatever the argument was over, I'm just glad it's settled."

Lily met James's eye. "You didn't set a silencing charm?" they both asked at the same time. Lily glanced around and saw the terrified looks on everyone's faces and she couldn't help it. She started to laugh. James shook his head.

"We weren't fighting. Well, we were, it just wasn't that kind of fighting," James tried unsuccessfully to clarify.

Sirius reached around Remus to cover Peter's ears with a wicked grin. "Kinky James, but not in front of the children," he said, and Peter swiped at Sirius's hands, indignant.

"Not _that_ kind of fighting either. We were just dueling," James said.

"You've never dueled like that before."

Lily caught James's eyes for a long moment. There was an indefinably certain trust between them now. They had dueled in the past, but both of them had held back. They had never meant it before. It had never mattered. Last night had been something entirely different. "No, we haven't," Lily affirmed softly.

"Who won?" Peter asked, and Lily watched as people surrounding them started to lean it to hear details.

"It was a tie."

"Who landed the first blow?" Remus asked almost immediately.

"I did," Lily said delicately, trying to eat and pretend it was not a big deal.

"Who drew first blood?" Sirius asked.

James winced. "I did," he said, and no one missed the guilt in his tone.

Lily rolled her eyes and tried to reassure him. "Oh honestly James, it was just a scratch. It took two seconds to heal. I'm fine. Can we talk about something else now?"

Owls swooping in provided just the distraction she was hoping for, and she used it to her advantage. All of the Seventh Years were anxious these days for letters deciding their future and today was no exception. What little conversation had resumed around the Great Hall once again fell into whispers as people ripped open parchment and scanned desperately through lines.

Lily continued to eat, but James tore into a letter. Lily recognized the seal as belonging to his family, and inwardly wished that the distraction had not come after all. She felt horrible for not wanting to meet James's parents, but she knew that their Auror practical had not gone as she had expected and loathed to present herself now when she was so unsure of herself. That she had not wanted to meet them originally only added to her sense of dread over the eventual meeting.

James caught her eyes and smiled. "My parents want to reschedule for this weekend. I'll talk to Dumbledore and see if we can have permission."

"Great," she said, and tried to mean it. He kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand, before walking away. No longer hungry, she waved to the boys and began to class.

…………..

"James!" Sirius said, and motioned his head toward the statue. James frowned and circled back, following inside the hidden classroom with a whispered word.

"What's wrong?" James asked, concerned. Sirius did not meet his eyes for a long time, but James did not push.

"Remember when you came back from meeting Lily's parents, and I told you that I knew it was going to go that way, and you said I should have said something, and then _I_ said I would next time?" Sirius rambled, pacing in front of James.

James, casually arranged on the top of a desk, watched Sirius with confusion. "Yes?"

Sirius glared at James, as if his confusion did not help matters. "Look," he said sharply, as if finally deciding the best way to go about this. "I know that your parents aren't mine, but they are still purebloods."

James sat up and looked at Sirius as though he had grown another head. "Sirius, what are you saying?"

Having already begun, Sirius forced himself on. "I mean, they may not care about her parentage, but have you ever had a conversation with them about it? It's not that I'm saying that they believe any of that stuff about bloodlines and all that, but the Potters are a traditionally pureblood family. That's just the way it's worked out in the past, engineered or no, and you're the last heir. It's up to you to carry on the Potter line, and for as much as your parents may not care about blood the rest of the time, it might be a bit different asking them to accept it in their family. I just…I just don't want to see you get hurt, mate."

"That's entirely ridiculous! My mum's already met Lily that night she apparated. They're going to think she's great," James said, and he couldn't believe how angry at Sirius he was.

"You know I wouldn't say this just because I like badmouthing your parents. You _know_ they've been brilliant to me, how much I owe them," Sirius said.

"But you'd badmouth Lily! You don't think that they'll like her!" James protested, disgusted with his best friend.

"James, I'm not badmouthing Lily," Sirius said calmly.

"Yes, you are! You've never liked her! Just admit it!" James said, the words childish but easier to say because of it.

Sirius said nothing, only gave James a long look. James looked away. He was angry at Sirius, but he knew deep down that Sirius wouldn't have said anything if he didn't think it was true. He searched Sirius's face, and realized that some part of Sirius was disgusted with himself for having to admit feeling as he did about those he cared for, as if it were a betrayal of some kind.

James blew out an angry breath. "Sorry," he muttered. "But do you really think…?"                  

The rest of his sentence was lost as Sirius dropped his gaze. "What should I do?"

Sirius raised his head, his eyes hard. "Be ready for it."

…………

Lily sat at the vanity, brushing her hair just a few strokes more, using her wand to add a pretty sheen that made her hair look healthier than it normally did. She had been unable to eat breakfast because of nerves and had sent James along by himself. Just thinking about the intensity of James's mother made her hands tremble, though there was a part of her that found these actions ridiculous.

She knew that her friends would probably be sleeping in late and had no real plans for the day other than to finish up homework and relax by the lake as the sun was finally making an appearance in the sky, so she knew that she would not see them until she had returned.

She stood up and checked her robes for wrinkles and ink spots. She wished that she had robes that were nicer than her school robes for this occasion, but the only nicer ones she had were from past dances and much too formal. She could not justify buying new robes just for the occasion of meeting her boyfriend's parents, so she shrugged the emotions away and looked herself over one more time, knowing it would just have to do.

A clacking noise came at the window, and she looked over to see an owl perched at her window with a letter in its beak. She strode over and opened the latch. Her breath caught as she realized it was a ministry owl, and the letter had the signature Auror Office seal pressed into the wax. Her hand trembled for a moment, and she lingered, wondering whether to take it. The owl, impatient and much too busy for a girl to make up her mind, dropped the letter from its beak and took flight, blowing the letter from its perch. Lily, startled, reached for it desperately, afraid it might be swooped out the window forever, though the moment it was in her hands she realized how unlikely that would have been.

Since it was in her hands, she did not think about it any longer and her fingers broke the seal and pulled out the letter before her brain had caught up to process and decided whether she really wanted to know. With the letter already in front of her eyes, she could not look away and they took in each stroke of each letter, caressing them and studying them as if she had written them herself. She supposed, in some strange way, she had, because it was because of her merits and drive and achievements that those words were telling her she was accepted.

Her fingertips traced the letters and her heart kept a steady pace and she wondered when she would feel excitement for them. She had waited so long and worked so hard; why didn't the words have the meaning that she wanted them to?

…………….

They were silent on their walk to Hogsmeade, and when they reached the end of High Street, he lingered back a moment. She turned to him, and his hand reached up to play with a strand of her hair and his eyes fully took in her appearance.

"Your hair looks pretty," he said, and she smiled, both at how juvenile and at how genuine the comment was.

"It's for you," she replied, lowering her eyes. She didn't want to look at him, afraid she would cave and convince him that they shouldn't be doing this. He didn't seem to want to force her feelings to the surface, mostly because he was also feeling anxious. He kissed her, soft and slow, until her arms slid around him and they both forgot entirely that the day was meant for anything else.

Gradually she pulled back. They both took a deep breath and apparated. She popped in first, but he was there before she could worry. She looked up at the building from the street, and could not help her apprehension multiply tenfold. Somehow it never seemed to matter, and so she often did not think of it, but James was _rich_, and if she had not thought of it before now, the strong lines and elaborate decorative surface of his home seemed to burrow the idea home inside her heart.

His arm slid around her middle and they took their steps together; and the intimacy of this action for a moment distracted her. She thought of her last visit to this place and could not help the smallest of smiles on her face as James rang the bell.

"This is strange," she whispered, letting humor slip into her tone.

"What is?" he whispered back from the side of his mouth as they faced the entrance.

"Entering through the front door," she said, and he choked on a laugh as the front door opened, and a very serious-looking house elf opened the door.

"Welcome Master Potter and Miss Evans. Mister and Misses Potter are in the study, if you'll follow me."

James frowned. "The study?" he questioned, and he and the elf locked eyes for a moment, before the elf looked down and began to lead the way.

Lily wanted to ask what was wrong, but did not want to bring more tension to the conversation. James was scowling and she could not seem to garner his attention without speaking directly, so she held her tongue and squeezed him a little in reassurance.

They could hear the commotion in the study before the door was opened. Stern voices and the rustling of papers made their way through the thick, carved wooden doors of the study, and only amplified when the doors were opened.

"Master Potter, and his guest, Miss Evans, have arrived."

James's parents did not look up from their focus on their work. "Afraid we'll have to cut this a bit short," James's father said, and it took a moment for Lily to realize he was in fact addressing them and not someone else. She thought it a bit rude to not even disengage himself to look them in the eye and shake their hands, but she was startled into silence more than prudent about it.

His mother finally pulled her eyes away from the papers in her hands, and met Lily gaze for gaze, as if she could read every thought inside her head. Lily had not forgotten that look, and while her hands were steady, her breath shook when she inhaled.

"There's been some ministry business with France and your father and I will have to leave immediately. I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive us," she said in a tone that showed no emotion at all, let alone that of apology.

"This is important!" James cried, striding forward slightly, and a heavy silence rang in the room.

"Don't raise your voice to your mother," his father said sharply. Lily watched as James tried to reign in his anger. His voice was tight and carefully controlled when he spoke.

"This is the girl I'm going to _marry_, and you won't even _meet_ her."

There was obvious surprise, and Lily blushed, but neither adult so much as glanced in her direction.

"I'm sure she's a lovely girl James, but this really isn't a good time to discuss your little fling," his mother said dismissively.

"It's _not_ a fling, and if you don't take this seriously, if you can't see how much this means to me, then I won't be coming back at the end of the year and I don't want to speak to you ever again!"

"Be reasonable James," his father said in a tone that suggested she was talking to a small child, finally looking up at him in exasperation.

"Be reasonable!" he cried. "When you told me I couldn't get less than straight 'O's in school, I understood. When you told me I couldn't have Remus over, I understood. When you told me I couldn't play Quidditch professionally, I _understood_. I _am_ being reasonable, and I'm not giving this up!"

"You don't need to resort to threats in order to get our attention," his father said, but Lily was rather certain that he did, and suddenly so much of who she knew James to be –from brilliant wizard to mischief maker —was so understandable. She thought about the way she fought with her sister, about how she used her magic abilities to gain attention from her parents. Maybe James used his trouble-making to gain the attention of his.

"We don't even know the girl James," his mother sliced in. "How can you expect us to act any differently? How do we know if she comes from a good background? What are her future plans, other than marrying into our family?" Neither Lily or James missed the underlying insult in that question.

Lily slid her hand into James's, squeezing tightly to calm him. He looked at her and a silent conversation passed between the two.

'I _won't_ let her insult you like that!' James's fierce look clearly said.

Lily smiled at him softly. 'When are you going to realize that you don't have to fight my battles for me?'

James sighed, squeezed her hand, and stepped back to give Lily the floor.

"My name is Lily Evans," she said clearly, turning to look his parents in the eye. "I was born in July of 1957 to my parents, Liam and Marie Evans, and an older sister, Petunia. When my father married my mother, his gift to her was a flower shop, so that she could spend her life among the things she loved most. They are honest and hardworking people, and ever since it was discovered I was a witch, I have worked hard to make them proud of me. I was a prefect during fifth and sixth year, and now at the top of my class and tied with your son, I'm Head Girl. I've never received anything less than an 'O' in every class."

She had watched as everything she had spouted out of her mouth met with disinterest from his parents. She was a Muggleborn, and so was clearly not a good catch for their son. Though she had wanted to wait to say anything, she added, "During the summers, I worked in my parent's shop saving money so that I would be financially stable and able to live on my own when I enter Auror training this summer."

She knew that that information would get the desired effect of completely stunned looks on his parents' faces, if nothing else. She felt a sick sense of pride at being able to shock them and wondered if this was how James felt when he did the same.

"Lily! You got your letter?!" James cried. She turned to look at James's giddy expression, and her throat tightened so she couldn't speak. She nodded. He let out a cry of joy, scooped her up into his arms, and spun her around, laughing all the while.

"I knew you would get in! I knew it, I'm just so happy!" he cried, but then seemed to remember himself for a moment.

"Are you sure? Are you sure this is what you want? We can choose another way," he whispered, voice tight and eyes intense.

"I want _you_ James," she whispered, her words so quiet they were almost silent, but his eyes and heart caught the words where his ears did not.

He kissed her full on the lips, completely oblivious now to his parents. Lily blushed a deep crimson, but closed her eyes and kissed him back.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked when he pulled away a moment later, his giddy smile still in place.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," she said. He glared at her playfully.

"Minx," he said.

"Forgive me if I wanted my parents to know first. I still have to explain it to them, you know, and if they don't approve, then —"

"Then nothing!" he said sharply, suddenly remembering where they were. "We're going to be Aurors, and we're going to get married, and we're going to be happy and together and nothing anyone says or does is going to stop us! I'm tired of compromising! Everything else I gave up, but not this! Not you! Not our future! I want this more than I've ever wanted anything, and I won't sacrifice my happiness for someone else's anymore!"

"James," she whispered and her eyes burned with water, from joy or sadness or all of the anxious emotions combined she did not know.

"I love you," he whispered, and several more hot tears filled her eyes, slipping down her face. "I've loved you for always, even when we were fighting and even when you called me an arrogant bullying toerag and even when you were with Gideon. It didn't change then and it's not going to change now. That's not going to ever change."

She kissed him and she didn't care that his parents were watching. She buried herself in his chest, and his arms wrapped tightly around her. She wanted to tell him how her heart was bursting, but not then.

"Hey," he whispered in her ear. "Don't cry."

His hand slipped into her hair and he stroked his fingers through it in a calming gesture. "I'm not crying," she whispered back, and he grinned at her obvious lie. "And if you tell anyone I was, then I'll hex you six ways from Sunday."

"You're absolutely terrifying when you want to be," he said sarcastically. She looked up at him, and he laughed at her un-intimidating glare.

"You spent seven _years _trying to get me to like you, and now that I do, do you really think it a smart idea to mock me?" she asked.

"Admit it: I'm a man of mystery," he said with that annoying grin of his. She rolled her eyes, sniffing.

"I'll admit you're still an idiot," she said. He frowned.

"For some reason that doesn't seem like a good enough consolation," he said. "I rather think you should admit at the very least you adore my charming irresistible character."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because if I was willing to spend seven years to get an over-emotional, stubborn little witch to hold me in good standing, just imagine how long I'd spend on this. You may as well give up now and save yourself the energy," he said.

She raised an eyebrow. "You make it sound as though it was difficult to deal with your overbearing, overconfident, immature person, when in fact you were nothing more than a nuisance equal to a fly noisily buzzing around on an otherwise quiet afternoon."

He grinned laughingly. "You know, if I thought you actually meant a word of that, I might be offended."

"I meant every word!" she said indignantly.

"No you didn't. You _adored_ the fact I was an overbearing, overconfident, immature person. It was the highlight of your Hogwarts career."

She made a disgusted scoffing sound, but it continued as a laugh, and his eyes twinkled at her.

"I'm serious!" he exclaimed, still smiling like mad. "And do you know how I know? Because you've never been bored when you were with me. You took one look at me and thought, now _there's_ something that could challenge me for the rest of my life. I know it's true, because I felt the same way when I met you."

She made a soft prissy noise of disagreement, but the look on her face bellied it.

"So admit it," he said. She smiled.

"_Never._" He laughed.

A sharp clearing of the throat brought their attention back to James's parents, who were not amused to be audience to their banter.

"We graduate in three weeks," James said. "I'd like you to be there for it. After that, I've leased a place in London for training. You may write if you wish. Your approval has always meant everything to me, but I don't need it anymore."

"James," his mother said, and for the first time Lily heard a maternal warmth under her hard tone. "Don't be silly. Of course we approve. You're happy. This is what matters. Your youth may have not been the most lax compared to other children's, but they've been preparation. The real world is hard, and as the only heir of the Potter line, you have responsibilities."

James's mother glanced at Lily again, her eyes sweeping across every each of her, and while it was a cursory glance, Lily knew the woman had missed nothing and had calculated more in that glance than others could do in years. Still, it had been a second look, something Lily was sure James's mother was not used to giving, and instead of making her stomach roll over, it hardened it with strength.

"Just don't forget that," James's mother said, and she raised one eyebrow up while moving no other muscle on her face. Lily could feel James relax next to her.

"Really, now, James. The French Foreign Minister of Magic can only be put on hold for so long," she said, and he knew this was their cue.

"Of course mother, father," he said, accompanied by a polite nod. "We'll leave you to your business."

"It was pleasure to meet you," Lily said as they left the room. She did not hear a response, but she had not anticipated one. They bowed slightly to the elf as he led them outside and bid them farewell. They apparated back into Hogsmeade before either of them said anything.

He looked at her as if braced for impact. She felt as if she should be mad at him for the whole ordeal, for how she had been treated despite his protests, but she was not.

"God," he said, sounding miserable. "I cannot believe how embarrassing that was."

"It was survivably so," she said, and he could not help but laugh.

"I suppose it was, though I can't help but be ashamed," he said.

"Don't be," she replied. "My family put on a much better show. At least yours had the decency to make it quick."

He laced his fingers in her, and his hand once again played with her hair. "We're going to be Aurors?" he asked, and finally, finally the threads of golden, electric excitement flittered through her veins.

She could not help the smile on her face as she nodded and said, "We're going to be Aurors."

………………………..

**AN:** so this was actually up in a reasonable period of time. This has 1-2 more chapters left. I might be moving to Morocco or New York soon, so no promises for how soon the next update will happen, but hopefully by July. I've established that James would get in based on his father's qualifications and that Armortica would be accepting more people into the program than usual because of the dark times ahead, so I hope no one is confused that James's letter of acceptance was not detailed.

Reviews, as always, are loved and cuddled and appreciated.


	17. The last great hurrah

Their hands entwined, they strolled the grounds after NEWTs. Tensions had run high around the school as end of the year exams had caused many to store away in solitude and stress, but it had been hard for Lily and James to fret. It was something she would have never thought possible before dating James, but in fact she had slept and ate and generally not been worried, or at least not nearly as much as she might have been.

They had spread out notes and spent most of their time ignoring one another to focus, but she felt as if she finally understood what James had meant when he said he knew he would do well. She knew her future, had decided on it, and while there were definitely hurdles to be overcome, she was not doubtful she would get there, regardless of her journey.

His fingers played with her skin and it felt nice. She scanned the halls, not in her usual Head Girl fashion, but with a sense of wanting to tie these moments beneath her skin that she might carry them with her for always. The sun of summer was dancing through the tall windows to play with the colors of the carpets and portraits. Even the grays of the stones seemed more alive with the amber of the afternoon sun playing with its shadows.

Classmates ran through the halls, exuberant and celebratory, laughing and chasing the end of the year, and she was content to take it all in with her own silent surrender to relief.

They spotted James's friends by the lake. Sirius, lazily stretching his arms overhead, was not unaware of the affect he was having on the small group of fifth year girls sighing and giggling nearby. Lily rolled her eyes when he winked at her. He was berating Peter casually about their exams, as Peter rubbed his hands and sputtered out his terrible stress over his answers.

Remus, however, with his arms thrown over his knees, could have been anywhere else, with the faraway look in his eye as he gazed out over the lake, his empty expression quite obviously not absorbing any of his surroundings. Lily felt her heart pinch and ached to put her arms over his shoulders in reassurance, but what reassurances could she give? Her life was working out in ways she had not dreamed it could, but not because of any reason she could hope for Remus.

"So I was thinking of once last celebratory Hogsmeade adventure," James declared as he dropped down, knocking into Remus slightly and startling him out of his thoughts. The action, though it looked accidental, must have been deliberate because it was rare form that James was unaware of his own limbs. Lily, pleased with the raised amused eyebrow Remus was giving them, settled into the space in front of James to lean back into his arms.

"It needs to be done, of course," Sirius declared, as if expecting some rebuttal. "The last great hurrah. It won't be the same when it isn't against the rules."

"I'm reasonably sure that the illegality of the ventures will maintain an appeal to you Padfoot," Remus remarked dryly, rolling his eyes and trying to look again into some distance only he could see. Padfoot barked out a laugh.

"I am sure I cannot know to what you are referring," Sirius countered. "And anyway, I'm hungry. Come to the kitchens?"

"I'm half-starved," Peter popped up, but Remus shook his head only, and continued to stare out at the water. Sirius rolled his eyes at the melancholy state of his friend and began to heave off.

"Leave me be, I know I'm boring. Sirius has been telling me all afternoon," Remus remarked into his arms, though he directed it towards Lily and James.

"I like boring," Lily said, trying to encourage conversation.

"Yes, that's quite clearly why you are with James," Remus drawled. James, frowning, pulled Lily to her feet, though she struggled against him.

"If you want space, you've only to ask. If you'd rather company, we'll be in the Tower. We'd like for you to come see us," James said, and while Remus didn't look up, he nodded his head once.

Lily argued with James the whole way up about what was better for Remus, but by the time they were arranged together on the couch it was clear that it was nice to have some time alone. Lily was just sinking into the light kisses James was placing on her collarbone, her lie loosened by his nimble fingers, when a loud series of heaving knocks came at their portrait door.

Startled, they broke apart and Lily jumped up, hurried to the entrance. "See, I _told_ you he wanted to have company," Lily shot at James as he rolled his eyes and pillowed his hands behind his head.

Marlene was standing at the door, looking harassed and slightly out of breath. "Marle—" but Lily was cut off as her friend brushed past into the Head Room.

"Where's Potter?" she demanded sternly, and he sat up from his relaxed position on the couch. "It's Regulus," she said without any preamble. "They've asked him to join and he's accepted. He'll be inducted once the term is over. I can't find Sirius anywhere."

"Fuck!" James swore as he scrambled up and raced out the door. Both girls hastily tried to follow, barely keeping track as James easily slid through hollow walls and secret passages without seeming to think about it.

They found them in the main hall leading to the dungeons. Most everyone was outside, and they hung back at the end of hall to give the brothers what privacy they could, but it wasn't difficult to hear their yelled words.

"You _don't_ know what he is, what he's capable of." Sirius raged, circling his brother, but Regulus twisted, never exposing his back to him. Sirius scoffed, "You run around with your friends in dark cloaks to make people afraid and you think it's okay. You think it's just a game, but it's not. You're just a kid running around with a wand, thinking you can make a difference, but what you're talking about is _wrong_!"

Regulus's eyes spit hellfire back, his dark form younger but not smaller than Sirius's. "Oh, _I'm_ being a kid? I wasn't the one who ran away! It's not like you're around anymore! You _left_ and you can't just come back around to lecture me whenever you don't like the choices I'm making!"

Siriurs's dark, gruff laugh echoed down the hall. "Regulus, don't be daft! You know I didn't leave because of _you!_ You were the only thing worth sticking around for as long as I did. And you're my little brother: I can butt into your life whenever I want, especially when I see you making decisions you're going to regret!"

Regulus paused and briefly looked as if he had been slapped in the face, but quickly recovered as if the words rolled off him like water. "Oh so now you're my brother! After ignoring me since my sorting like you didn't even know who I was! Well I'm proud of who and what I am, and you can scoff all you want, but it's not like you're the beacon I should be aspiring to when it comes to making decisions! You're a Marauder, Sirius, and it wouldn't surprise me if what Mum says is true and you end up in Azkaban one day for your stupidity!"

"So _that_'s what this is about! I left you alone because I didn't want you to get _tortured_ just for being my little brother! I wanted them to think you were the right kind of Slytherin and I was the fuck-up. It's not like I ever targeted you in any of my pranks, did I? You were always left alone. And if they did pick on you then they suffered for it at my hands so you wouldn't have to sully your name and reputation with Mum and Dad. I didn't want to give them a reason to mess with you because of me. I was trying to protect you from that, you daft loser!" Sirius's words brought glares into both boys' eyes, though from malice or trying to hold back hot tears, or even both, it was hard to tell.

Regulus took a deep breath as if trying to rally his own words to hurl back, but came out with nothing, so Sirius continued brusquely on.

"But still, after all of this time, you toss out Mum's words like they're your safety blanket and you can't think for yourself! All you do is try to please the parents and you can't grow a backbone.

"You're smart, Regulus. You always were. You haven't failed Mum and Dad like I have. You're the perfect son. And I'm not jealous of you for that, but damn it all, Regulus, it shouldn't matter what they tell you about what they want from you! You can make your own choices in life! It isn't obey or death! Those aren't your only options, but if you keep going how you are, that's what they'll become!"

Regulus let out a strangled noise, and it became obvious as Sirius's eyes softened, that while Regulus had physically grown into a man, his fears and insecurities were still that of a boy just trying to do what was right.

"Just because Mum and Dad haven't disowned me doesn't mean they won't and then what? You've gone off into your own life and completely forgotten about me. You keep saying I have a choice like I'm _you,_ Sirius and I'm not! I'm not like you! It matters to me what my family thinks and I hate being torn in two like this! You have no idea how much I have to take every time I've tried to defend you, even when we were little before you left!

"You say you looked out for me, but my friends did too, when you weren't around! They've been _good_ to me, _and_ to the family! So I've made my decision and I _don't_ think it's wrong! He's making the changes in society we've needed for awhile! He's going to fix things, fight the corruption going on, and make things better for good families!" Hands formed into fists, and eyes closed, Regulus missed the look of despair on Sirius's face.

"You're being an idiot," Sirius said, in his gruff, chastising voice, as he shook his head. He raised his hands out to his brother's shoulders as if to either embrace or strangle him.

Their eyes caught for one long moment.

"I'll be there for you when you finally realize it," Sirius said condescendingly. Regulus's face screwed up in disgust and he pushed his brother away from him. Sirius fell a few steps back and watched as his little brother walked out of his life.

Finally, James came forward and Lily and Marlene trailed slightly behind.

"I can't do this," Sirius growled in a soft whisper. He dragged his eyes away from the place his brother no longer stood and faced James, his eyes dark and determined. "I can't join the Aurors. I can't spend three years learning to train for a war that's going on right now. How many others are being turned the same way Regulus is? Through their families, through their friends, through their situations, and not through their own choices? There's got to be a way I can be more effective!"

"Padfoot," James whispered, taken aback.

"No Prongs," Sirius interrupted whatever defense James had. "You can't talk me out of this. Becoming an Auror isn't going to put me in a position to stop what's going on, it's going to put me on damage control and I can't stand that! I can't just react every time a bad situation arises! I have to do something about it. I have to be able to act as well. I have to become stronger, but it won't be for the same reasons.

"What would I do if one day I have to fight Regulus? I have to put an end to this now, before that ever becomes a reality, before we're ever put on opposing sides, because I won't be able to fight my own brother James, and that's just what _he_ wants. Even those that oppose him can be compromised, if they knew that it was their families that would suffer for their voices."

"But Black," Marlene said, and for once it lacked any of the condescension her voice had always contained with him. "What are you going to do?"

His eyes locked with hers. She was going to work in the Department of Mysteries, and while they had never once gotten along with each other in school, both recognized, somewhat begrudgingly, the strength an alliance might achieve. If he wasn't going to be working for the Ministry, that made him a free agent without the same rules and restrictions. Information would play a key role in defining the outcome of the war, and both knew where their loyalties lay.

Sirius nodded slightly, only once. "What I have to."

………………………**.**

Remus walked up to their table quite visibly upset, while Sirius seemed to genially whisper in his ear as they walked.

"Has he told you what he's planning? It's preposterous! Not to mention dangerous and illegal! Which shouldn't surprise me at this point, but we're not children anymore! There are very serious and very real consequences for what you're talking about and I won't be a part of it!"

James and Lily had no room to answer that they knew he was planning, but of what the full details had yet to be disclosed. Sirius continued the argument as if it had not been interrupted.

"You're saying this like you have so many options Remus! Like you haven't been morbidly depressed about what you're going to do with your life all year! Savoring every bittersweet moment like it's going to be your last! Well this is something that can change all of that!"

"Yeah, it's something all right! Something crazy! I'm done risking things all of the time! There's more at stake for me then just a stint in Azkaban! I would be made an example of! You still don't understand Sirius! Life isn't a game! You don't always land on your feet and you can't just run around with the best of intentions expecting things to go your way!"

"Moony—"

"No! I'm done listening!" Remus said, closing his eyes and throwing up his hands. He stalked off, and Sirius let him, sliding into a seat while casually plucking a red apple from the table. He polished it slightly with his sleeve before taking a large crunching bite.

"So how's the flat search going? Have you told the 'rents yet?"

Lily tried to take Sirius's transition in stride, but it was hard. She ruminated on his words, unable to shake Remus's response from her mind.

"I've been looking. Several postings have caught my eye, and I've made a few inquiries. It's difficult to say whether privacy or locality is more preferable at this point," James replied, placing his head in his hand, trying to casually glance at Lily's face.

She was frowning, and he wasn't the least bit subtle. "I suppose I need to tell my parents soon, but the best opportunity hasn't presented itself to me. A letter would be entirely explosive. My father might never speak to me again. On the other hand, I can't exactly wait until the platform, can I?"

"You could," James replied softly, eyes downcast. She knew that he was upset with the way her family treated them as a couple, just as upset with his own for the same reasons, but he left any emotions out of his voice because he did not wish to offend her.

She smiled at his small kindnesses and took her hand in her own. Their fingers twisted and curled together until they were interwoven perfectly. Her thumb stroked the soft surface of his skin, and his dark eyes burned.

"It's always easier to ignore a situation you don't like I've always found," Sirius said, finishing up the last bit of the apple, tossing the core back onto a plate.

"You don't know how to ignore anything," James teasingly scoffed. "Because that would mean, for a single moment, that you weren't the absolute center of attention."

Sirius's barked laugh tossed his head back, his wild hair waving, before he bat his eyelashes in exaggerated coyness at James and bashfully replied. "Just because I'm the center of your world, doesn't mean I'm the center of everyone's."

Lily watched as a fourth year, eyes unable to move away from Sirius, tripped over her own feet. She would have laughed if only it wasn't quite so pitiable. If Sirius was arrogant, it was only because of the positive reinforcement he received so readily.

"But on that subject, has anyone seen Wormtail lately? He's been dead scarce that boy has. Like a shadow for six and a half years, can't even take a piss without him needed to know where I am and what I'm doing, and then all of a sudden this last week or so he's a ghost," Sirius complained.

"I would have thought that the break would be nice, after all this time," Lily said, the bite in her voice clearly stating she did not approve of the way Sirius was referring to his supposed friend. Sirius merely rolled his eyes.

"Maybe he's got himself a fancy," James said, his voice pure merriment at the thought.

Sirius sputtered, before nearly convulsing in fits. "Peter? With a bird?"

Lily frowned at their laughter. "It's not entirely within the realm of impossibility," she said derisively, pulling her hand from James's.

"More likely he's got himself into something over his head and he doesn't know how to tell us he needs help again," Sirius drawled. "Wonder what it'll be this time?"

………………………**.**

**AN:** an update? What? Inconceivable! One more chapter after this, that will hopefully not take 2 years. We'll see, shall we?

**AN2: **hopefully the upload errors were taken care of now. thanks to those who let me know!


	18. The end

**Author's Note**: most unexpected epilogue ever? Yeah, I'm awful. Sorry. I could give a bunch of excuses about having a real life or losing my computer and files to storage for a year while living abroad, but I'm pretty sure you don't much care. I DO want to say that I have read your reviews over the years and it has made all of the difference – **THANK YOU**. It's probably not worth the wait and it might make more sense if you re-read the last few chapters, but…

….

"Sirius Black," Dumbledore enquired, his deep voice reverberating in the hall.

Sirius froze, and turned. "I would like to speak with you in my office please."

The look of guilt was automatic, even if his brain could not immediately remember any cause for a trip to the Headmaster's office.

Sirius disclosed nothing as he followed Dumbledore to his desk and positioned himself appropriately in his regular chair. Dumbledore steepled his fingers and looked over his half-moon spectacles, his face contemplative.

"You do not, I am sure, know the reason you are here," Dumbledore began. Sirius relaxed slightly, possible excuses slipping from his mind for past actions. He leaned forward slightly, intrigued.

"Remus has come to see me regarding a position here."

Sirius, while normally very skilled at hiding his emotions, was unable to contain the look of surprise overtaking his face. Dumbledore noted this before continuing.

"While I believe that one day he will make a fine teacher, it is my belief that one must spend time in the world in order to bring a definitive perspective to their field of magic. Remus has yet to find his path, and while I believe he knows that, I fear the directions he may head if he does not have a firm idea of where he desires to go."

Sirius grimaced, his frustration building as he spoke. "Remus is struggling more than the rest of us. He's never thought he would have a normal life, even having gone to Hogwarts, and now that it's over, he feels like he should be grateful for being given that and nothing else. Remus has always been un-ambitious in his desires, but he seems to have lost all hope for ever becoming anything else."

"He did mention becoming a shopboy," Dumbledore mentioned, almost as an aside.

Sirius snorted loudly, a derisive smirk on his face. "Remus will take what he thinks is within reach, and if he puts himself on par with a pre-teen squib, then that probably shows you just how pitiful his self-esteem is. You need to talk to him, Dumbledore. You need to show him that he can live a normal life."

"This is what I have been trying to do for the past seven years, and yet here we are. I can't offer him a job here," Dumbledore said. "But you are correct in your assessments. Remus needs direction."

Dumbledore was quiet for a long time, and Sirius, sure that he was about to presented with a plan, waited.

"Sirius," Dumbledore chided softly. Sirius blinked, startled.

"You aren't suggesting that _I_ need to be the one to give it to him?" he scoffed loudly, half amused and half insulted.

"Is that not already what you have intended?" Dumbledore asked quietly, raising an eyebrow delicately. Sirius was silent, his eyes glittering with suspicion.

"Why am I here, sir?" Sirius demanded.

"Because I am in need of certain things that I cannot acquire on my own."

Finally, Sirius understood. "Things you ought not to be associated with publicly, things that a dark history or background might not be so tarnished by, things that would allow you to gather information."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrow again. "So you have given this some thought," he mused.

Sirius's expression darkened. "More than some, sir."

"Then we have much to discuss."

…

Their last day at Hogwarts felt strange. How long had James thought about this day? Wished for it, desired it to pass, and now here he was wishing he could hold onto it for as long as he could, to be caught in this day forever.

Lily came up behind him, her arms sliding around his torso, and she rested her cheek on his back. They stood there breathing and she listened to the dizzying sound of his heartbeat.

"So I'll have everything set up at the flat when you arrive next week, but if for any reason you want to arrive early, you know you can," he said, but he felt like he was pressuring her. He'd already felt like a coward for leaving her to deal with her parents on her own, so he added, "Or if you need another couple of days, just send me an owl so I don't worry."

"You're being too accommodating. I'll have training, same as you, and I'll need to be settled before then." She ran comforting little circles with her hand on his stomach. "I'm excited to see my family, but I know that I won't get to see them like this again for a long time, maybe ever. I'm going to miss my family, but I know that I can't be with them and with you."

Unvoiced was that she was choosing him, and it filled his insides with a desperate heat, both exciting and nauseating in equal measures. Whoever had said that having butterflies was nice had clearly never had them.

"Are you all packed?" he asked, feeling as though his thoughts were little birds dancing around his head, unable to find a perch. Clinging to the mundane, he tried to focus on the simple tasks in front of him for the next few days.

"Not even close," she said softly. "That's something you should know about me: I'm awful at packing."

He smiled. "Good to know. It will be hard for you to leave me if I can spread your things around the apartment well enough. If we get into an argument, fair warning I'm heading first for your toothbrush."

"Why would I want to leave you?" she asked, amused. He was quiet for a long time.

"What if I said I was considering what Sirius is talking about?" he turned to face her.

"Do you mean give up being an Auror?" she asked, frowning and pulling away.

"No, I would still pursue Aurorship…but I would be willing to serve more than one agency if I thought that the Ministry alone wasn't enough." He sighed heavily.

"I grew up in the shadows of Ministry affairs, I know how quickly the politics and personalities of those in power manipulate the truth, and I don't know that I will always be loyal to our government when I know how easily it could be corrupted."

"So you would be a double agent?" she asked.

He winced. "It sounds quite underhanded when you say it that way, but I don't believe that the two are diametrically opposed. I think that the struggle we will face was like you said: it isn't something you can prepare for like an exam and it isn't something we can fail. Auror training will be intense and important, but information in the war will be key, it may be everything, and I think Sirius is right too – that the war is already beginning."

"Hmm…" she said, and that was the end of the conversation for now.

….

She sat with Marlene and Alice and Dorcus that night at dinner.

"So what are you telling your parents then?" Marlene asked Lily.

"You still haven't told them?" Dorcus laughed.

"It's not like I'm telling them I'm becoming a professional Quidditch player," Lily teased back, chucking a roll at her at the newest Hollyhead Harpies recruit. Dorcus dodged it easily and stuck out her tongue in response.

"But surely they've got to know that you've been trying for it?" Alice asked. She too had gotten her offer of Aurorship, and her family had been so thrilled, they had sent her new professional robes.

"Mum does, of course, and she hinted at it in her last letter. I think she knows that I got accepted because I _haven't_ said anything actually. It's hard to get much of anything by my Mum, and I think that makes it worse because I know that she's going to be supportive. It's going to break her heart that I'm leaving right when she thinks I'm finally coming home.

"Usually her letters just before holiday are filled to the brim with all of the things we are going to do, with what she's going to cook for me and what she's been experimenting on in the garden. I thought her last one would be excited, you know, asking about all of the magic I'd have learned this year and would be able to practice around the house, but she just said that she couldn't wait to cuddle me up in her arms."

Lily couldn't help tearing up slightly at the memory of the words on the page. It was such a short missive, as if her mother couldn't bear to voice any other thoughts about her daughter's return.

"What about you Marlene? How are your parents taking the news that you won't be returning home?" Lily asked, deflecting her own worries in favor of her friend.

"Well Dad's thrilled of course and has been bragging for weeks to his brothers that he's provided the only worthwhile heir. Mum sees it as a blanket refusal on my part to ever want kids and cries every time Dad brings it up. Honestly, she's so old-fashioned that way."

"What?" Dorcus choked. "Who at our age is thinking about children already? I mean, besides Alice."

Alice blushed to the roots of her hair, but said nothing. Lily giggled, both because she couldn't really imagine it yet, but also because she and James had spoken about kids in a distant future sort of way. Alice caught her eye and glared, raising an eyebrow as if to drag her under the bus too, but Marlene replied.

"Her and Dad were promised at my age, so she thinks I should be too, keeps sending me owls about prospective young gentlemen I should meet next time I'm 'round for tea. I figure I can avoid her until Christmas, but that might only make it worse. I'm glad I don't have to suffer going home. I don't envy you one bit, Lily."

Lily sighed, and tried to push the feeling just a little further down. She still had one day before she had to face it.

By unspoken agreement, Lily and James spent the evening in the Gryffindor common room with their classmates and friends, listening to stories and reminiscing on their grand and not-so-grand adventures through the years. They spent the evening laughing and crying, maybe not until those moments realizing really how miserable it would be to say goodbye.

Lily touched the rough stone walls, thinking about her first day at Hogwarts, how that same stone had looked so cold and intimidating. Now, her fingers caressed them like she would an old friend. These walls had kept her, had taught her what it meant to belong in this world. Her hot tears pattered like rain, little droplets sinking into stone, absorbing with it all of her heartbreak. How she would miss this place.

…

"Somehow, the train rides home always seemed so long, and this time it feels so short," Remus said as they watched the countryside give way to sprawling city out the window. Everyone agreed.

"You should change," James said into Lily's hair, but she made no move to uncurl herself from him. They weren't usually so openly affectionate in public, but holding his hand wasn't enough when she knew she wouldn't see him again for a week. He didn't lift his arms from around her either.

"It's strange, isn't it? Thinking this is the end?" Peter said, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"It's not the end!" Alice said, but even she had trouble believing it.

"This is too depressing. I'm getting some sweets," Sirius said and headed into the corridor.

"Tell me that a week isn't that long," Lily whispered so only James could hear. "Tell me that I won't miss you at all. Tell me that a week won't change your mind about anything, about us."

He placed a kiss on her head, desperate to kiss her for real, but it would have to wait. "Forever wouldn't be enough time to change my mind about you."

He could feel her sigh against him. He couldn't ask her for any reassurances, not when he knew what she was sacrificing already. Still, she knew. "I love you," she whispered into his skin just below his ear.

He soaked in the words, let it wash over him. He thought he would never get tired of hearing them. He held her tighter as the train pulled into the station.

…..

As he stepped off of the train, James no longer felt the somber feeling that clouded his thoughts since breakfast. There was a sense of both returning and longing in the air. He knew his parents weren't there, but it didn't matter. He and Sirius would be going to their new home, and in a week, Lily would follow. His parents had sent him a letter, letting him know that their housewarming gift was already waiting, and in their own way, James knew this was their sign of approval.

"Have you seen Peter?" Sirius asked. "He was here a second ago…"

James looked around, but couldn't see him in the tide of parents and children. "I can't ever seem to find him anymore," Sirius was lamenting.

"Perhaps he's finally gotten tired of you," Remus said distractedly, looking for his own parents.

Sirius grinned and barked out a laugh, swinging his arm heavily onto Remus's shoulders, causing him to wince. "You know that just isn't possible, Moony! If it was, you would've gotten bored of me in third year!"

"Who says I didn't?" Remus replied, shoving him off, but Sirius just smiled, as he always did.

"Come for tea tomorrow, and I'm not asking, so you can't say no," James said.

"I'm not coming," Remus replied, spotting his parents and waving.

"Around two, and bring biscuits, yeah? Your Mum makes the best," Sirius interjected. "Now shove off, I've got to talk to McKinnon," and Remus, who had been struggling to get away was politely pushed by Sirius into the crowd.

Lily squeezed Dorcus tightly. "You'll be there for my first game in the fall? I'll send tickets!" Dorcus asked.

"With bells and whistles on," Lily replied.

"I shan't say goodbye to you. I'll see you in a week, and I'll only start crying if I do," Alice said to her. Lily smiled and was about to reply when she saw Frank from behind Alice tap her shoulder. A girlish shriek erupted from the tiny girl as she launched herself at him, and he spun her around laughing.

Lily turned to say goodbye to Marlene, and realized she was in a conspiratorial conversation with Sirius. To anyone who might not know them so well, it almost looked as if they were quite close. They quieted as Lily came near, but she couldn't help the grin on her face.

"Isn't that your Aunty Lynn just there picking up your cousin?" Lily asked, and Marlene's darkened face scanned the crowd to see a woman taking a keen interest in the pair.

Marlene gave a wicked smile, turned to Sirius and said, "Try not to grimace." She proceeded to throw herself at him in a hug. Shocked, and unsure what to do, he put his arms around her and gave Lily a gaze that said he clearly thought she had gone mad.

When she pulled back, her eyes scanned the crowd before returning to him triumphant. "You have just saved me from the most awkward Christmas. Thanks for that. Aunty Lynn will have told Mum about this before I can even get off the platform."

He gave her strange look. "I don't know what that was about, but you definitely owe me one."

Lily just laughed, but it caught in her throat as she saw her father standing in the back of the crowd. She felt James tug on her hand, and she followed. He had her luggage, and passed it off to her father.

James, face full of determination, stuck out his hand again to her father. "Sir," he said, and for a long moment, her father simply glared. But then, he reached out and shook his hand. He said nothing, until James turned and said goodbye.

James tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled, cupping her face in his hand. He felt like he was supposed to say something – I love you, or I'll see you soon. But she smiled at him, nodded once, and he let his hand fall away. He turned and made his way back into the crowd to find Sirius.

"Are you ready to come home?" her father asked stiffly.

"Dad," she said. "I'm leaving in a week. I'm moving to London. To train as an Auror. I've been accepted."

"I'm just getting you back."

She wasn't ready for those words, as true as they were. She felt like she had been hit in the stomach and it took everything to stay standing as her eyes filled with hot tears.

"You aren't losing me," she managed to choke out.

"You wouldn't understand," he said. "You don't have children."

"Then explain it to me!" she cried.

"It's hard to explain. The ideology of youth doesn't carry with it the guarantee that one will make it into adulthood," he said. "Petunia, for example, has always played at being an adult, and she'll never be one. But you…my dearest Lily, I've held you so close because I knew, long before you ever did, that you never needed me. You were always going to be fine on your own, but I didn't want you to feel like you had to choose that path.

"And you haven't. I may not approve of your plans…but then, there was never going to be anyone good enough, a cause noble enough, to be worth giving up my selfish love for you. I will always love you, always miss you, always worry about you. You're my child, and there is nothing you could do that would make me less proud to say that."

"Daddy," she said, and threw herself against him, his arms holding her with a strength she had always relied on. He pressed his face into her hair, and she felt an aching tension she hadn't realized she had carried in her give way, relaxing back into place.

She pulled away reluctantly, knowing as she did so that she was letting go of the last part of her childhood, the last part of her that would ever need her father to take care of her. She was going to be on her own now, maybe not alone, but she could never go back.

Thinking about everything she had struggled through since she first got her letter, she felt an unexpected calmness sweep through her heart. She thought about how much she had endured, but how much stronger she had become.

When she opened her eyes, they were clear. She was ready now, for anything.


End file.
